Unokuba kanjani nobudlelwane obuPhilileyo bePolyamorous

Umxholo

• Ayisiyo "iNdlela enye okanye uhola wendlela".
• Akunjalo nje ngesondo
• Kodwa iSex iyadlala
• Kodwa Lumka ...
• Unokufuna ukuzenzela ngaphakathi
• Ezinye zeendlela ezilungileyo
• Uphengululo lwe

Ngelixa kunzima ukuxelela ngokuchanekileyo bangaphi abantu abathatha inxaxheba kubudlelwane be-polyamorous (Oko kukuthi, oko kubandakanya ukubanamaqabane angaphezulu kwesinye), kubonakala ngathi kuyenyuka-okanye, ubuncinci, ukufumana ixesha labo kwindawo ebonakalayo. Ngokutsho kophando lwesizwe lwe-Avvo.com ukususela ngoJuni 2015, malunga neepesenti ze-4 zabantu base-US bavuma ukuba babe nobudlelwane obuvulekileyo, obulingana nabantu abayi-12.8 yezigidi. Ewe, isigidi. Ke ukuba uziva unomdla malunga ne-polyamory, kunye nendlela yokuba nobudlelwane obuphilileyo be-polyamorous, yazi ukuba awuwedwa-kwaye ufunde ukuze ufumane ezona ngcebiso zibalulekileyo iingcali zithi wonke umntu kufuneka azi. (Idibeneyo: Izinto ezi-8 Amadoda anqwenela ukuba abantu basetyhini bazi ngezesondo)

Ayisiyo "iNdlela enye okanye uhola wendlela".

Okokuqala, zininzi iintlobo ezahlukeneyo zobudlelwane be-polyamorous, ke kubalulekile ukuba wazi ukuba yintoni kanye kanye. U-Anya Trahan, umqeqeshi wobudlelwane kunye nombhali we Uthando oluvulayo: uBudlelwane beNjongo kunye neNguqulelo yoLwazi. "Ubudlelwane obusondeleyo bunokuthetha isondo kunye noxhulumaniso lothando, okanye lunokuthetha unxibelelwano olunzulu lweemvakalelo okanye ngokomoya."

Loo ngqondo ivulekileyo sisitshixo kubudlelwane obuyimpumelelo bepolyamorous-kwaye mhlawumbi kutheni abantu abaninzi ngoku bevuma ukuba bazame ngayo. UTrahan uthi: “Abantu abaninzi ehlabathini lonke baye baba nobulumko [kwingcamango] yokuba uthando alubotshwanga sisini. Xa oko kusenzeka, "siqala ukubuza ezinye izinto ezijongwa 'njengesiqhelo,' njengengcinga yokuba ekuphela kwendlela yokuba nobudlelwane obusempilweni nobusondeleyo phakathi kwabantu ababini kuphela."

Yeyiphi, ukuba uyema ucinge ngayo, enokwenza ingqiqo enkulu komnye umntu. Malunga neepesenti ezingama-38 zemitshato ephela kuqhawulo-mtshato ukusukela ngo-2000 ukuya ku-2014, ngokwe-CDC, uTrahan uthi abantu abaninzi bayayandisa imida yabo. U-Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., umcebisi ngobudlelwane kunye nombhali Iipolyamorists Kwisango Elilandelayo: Ngaphakathi kubuDlelwane bamaQabane amaNinzi kunye neeNtsapho, ithi yindlela yokuba abantu baneliseke ngakumbi kwiintswelo zabo zeemvakalelo nezomzimba. “Ufumana iimfuno ezingakumbi, kwaye iimfuno ezahlukeneyo zihlangatyezwana namaqabane awohlukeneyo,” utshilo.

Akunjalo nje ngesondo

Nangona kulula ukutsibela kwisigqibo sokuba abantu abakubudlelwane bepolyamorous bathanda ukuba namava amaninzi esondo ahlukeneyo kangangoko banako, bobabini uSheff noTrahan bathi ngokuqhelekileyo akunjalo. "Imithombo yeendaba ithanda ukubonisa i-poly ngendlela evuselelayo, ngelishwa ijolise kumdlalo weqonga nakwisondo," utshilo uTrahan. "Kodwa abantu abaninzi endibaziyo bangabantu bokomoya ngokunzulu, abantu abanovelwano, iinkokeli ezinesazela kuluntu lwabo." U-Sheff uyavuma, eqaphela ukuba abo benza i-polyamory bathanda ukunqwenela ngaphezu kwesondo kubudlelwane. Ngelixa abantu abadla ngokuba yinxalenye yoluntu olujingiweyo, umzekelo, begxile kakhulu ekwanelisekeni komzimba, utshilo. (Ngaba Ubusazi ukuba amaTyhini angazifumana iiBhola eziBlue nawo?)

Kwaye ngamanye amaxesha iintlobano zesini azifiki kwaphela emfanekisweni, utsho uTrahan. "Baninzi abakwimvakalelo ngokwasemoyeni okanye ngokwasemoyeni, oko kuthetha ukuba bayazibandakanya kubudlelwane obunzulu obuninzi ngaphandle kwesondo," ucacisa. Ukuqhagamshela nje nomnye umntu onokuthi uthembele kuye, kwaye ubeke phambili ubudlelwane bakho nabo, ngaphandle kokukhathazeka malunga nokuba unayo okanye unika-i-orgasm, uyaphawula uSheff.

Kodwa iSex iyadlala

Ewe, abo bachonga njenge-polyamorous ngamanye amaxesha banobudlelwane bezesondo nomntu ongenguye iqabane labo eliphambili, utshilo uSheff. Nangona kungagqalwa njengokukopela, oko akuthethi ukuba akukho mithetho. UTrahan uthi: “Imvume nonxibelelwano olunyanisekileyo luyafuneka ngalo lonke ixesha. Kwaye Tara Fields, Ph.D., umtshato therapist kunye nombhali we Ukulungiswa kothando: Lungisa kwaye ubuyisele ubudlelwane bakho ngoku, uthi kubalulekile ukuseka imida kunye neqabane lakho langoku phambi kokuphonononga, njengoko nobabini nisenokungabi kwiphepha elifanayo malunga nokuba yintoni na engalunganga kwaye yintoni engalunganga, kwaye oko kunokwenza ubudlelwane bube muncu. ngokukhawuleza. "Konke malunga nokuthembana, kwaye nobabini kufuneka nibe nomdla ngokulinganayo, nazi, kwaye nizimisele ukuzama," utshilo. Ukuphendula imibuzo ebalulekileyo enje, "Kwenzeka ntoni ukuba uqala ukuthandana nomnye umntu?" okanye "Malubandakanye malini iqabane elongezelelweyo nabantwana bethu (ukuba unayo)?" Zonke kufuneka zixoxwe kwaye kuvunyelwane ngazo phambi kokuba nabani na aqhubele phambili, utshilo.

Ukhuseleko lukwabaluleke kakhulu kwi-polyamorous, utshilo uSheff. "Bathatha ukhathalelo oluninzi kuvavanyo kwaye besazi imeko yabo, bebaphezulu kakhulu ekusebenziseni izithintelo [zolawulo lokuzalwa], kwaye beza neendlela zokuzonwabisa kunye nezobuchule zokwenza loo miqobo ibe nemincili kwaye inike umdla," utshilo. Khusela impilo yakho ngokwesondo ngokuvavanya kwaye ucele amaqabane akho ukuba enze okufanayo, emva koko bonisanani iziphumo zenu. (Nantsi indlela yokubuza iqabane lakho ukuba ebenalo uvavanyo lwe-STD.) Oku kufuneka kwenziwe nanini na xa iqabane elitsha lazisiwe nokuba leliphi na umntu, utshilo uSheff, njengoko amanqanaba okutshintsha anokutshintsha ngaphandle kokuba abantu bazi.

Kodwa Lumka ...

Impazamo eqhelekileyo eyenziwa ngabantu xa bevula ubudlelwane babo kwipolyamory bacinga ukuba iya kulungisa naziphi na iingxaki onazo ngoku neqabane lakho. “Ukuba ubudlelwane buqhawukile, ukongeza abantu abaninzi akuzukunceda,” utshilo uSheff. "Ukuba awonwabanga ngokwenyani, kuyindlela yentlekele kwaye kungcono ukuba uphume kubudlelwane uye phambili kwizinto ezintsha kunokuba ubambe isilondolozi sobomi." Ngoba? U-Sheff uthi ngenxa yokuba ubudlelwane be-polyamorous bufuna ukunyaniseka kunye nokunxibelelana rhoqo-izinto ezimbini zihlala zivaliwe xa ubudlelwane bunzima-kufuna ukuba ujongane nemicimbi yakho. Kwaye ukuba awukhululekanga ukwenza loo nto neqabane elinye, akulunganga ukuzisa umntu wesithathu kumxube.

"Kubalulekile ukwazi umahluko phakathi 'nali ithuba lokukhula kwaye sinokuphuma somelele kwaye sonwabe kwelinye icala' kwaye 'obu budlelwane buphelile kwaye abuyi kuba ngcono,' utsho. "Kunzima, kodwa yinto ekufuneka yenziwe kuba i-polyamory ihlikihla ubuso bakho ngqo kwimicimbi yakho."

Esinye isizathu hayi Ukutsibela kwipolyamory okwangoku: Awuqinisekanga ukuba yile nto uyifunayo ngokwenene. "Kufuneka uyazi imida yakho okanye abantu baya kuthetha nawe kwizinto ongafuni ukuzenza," utshilo uSheff. Ukuba iqabane lakho lifuna ukuba yipoly, kwaye awufuni, lixesha lokuphinda uphonononge ubudlelwane. Sukucinezelwa ukuba awukho kuyo.

Ngaphambi kokuba ungene, uSheff ucebisa ukuba uzibuze le mibuzo: "Kuvakala njani ukwazi ukuba iqabane lam lidlala ngothando nomnye umntu?" "Ngaba ndikhululekile ukuba neentlobano zesini nomntu kunye nokuqonda ukuba akukopela-kwaye kuyafana neqabane lam?" kwaye "Ngaba oku kuyaphikisana nayo nayiphi na inkolelo yam engundoqo okanye iimbono zokomoya?"

Unokufuna ukuzenzela ngaphakathi

Kuba i-polyamory ihlala ilutyalo-mali ngokweemvakalelo, uSheff uthi kunokuba bubulumko ukuba endaweni yoko uzichaze njenge-monogam-ish xa uqala ukuqala. "I-Polyamory ixelela abanye abantu ukuba ujonge ukuthandana nabanye abantu, kodwa xa uqala ukuphonononga ungadinga nje ukuba ufumanise ukuba ukungasebenzi komfazi omnye kuyakusebenzela," utshilo. "Olu hlobo lokushicilela, u-monogam-ish, lwazisa abantu, 'Hayi, ndijonga nje oku kwaye andazi ukuba ndenza ntoni,' ke ngoko abafumani mali ngoko nangoko, nokuba ."

Emva koko, thetha ngayo kunye neqabane lakho langoku ukuze babone ukuba bavulekile nakumbono ngaphambi kokuba wenze nantoni na, utshilo u-Fields. Ngaphandle koko, nokuba ungathini, iya kuvela njengokukhohlisa. Kwaye ukuba abapholanga ngayo, kuya kufuneka uhambe kude nembono okanye uhambe umlingane, utshilo. UTrahan wongeza ukuba, ngelo xesha, kunokuba ngumdla wakho ekulandeleni i-poly njengomntu ongatshatanga.

Ukwenza intetho ngesihloko, uSheff uthi kubalulekile ukuba uqale ngokuqinisekisa. Ukuthetha into enje, "Babe, ndifuna ukuba uyazi ukuba ndiyakuthanda, ndikufumanisa unqweneleka kwaye ndinomdla kuwe, kwaye ndonwabile ngolwalamano lwethu," umxelela kwangaphambili ukuba ayikuko ukungonwabi yile Okwangoku unayo-kwaye ngakumbi ngakumbi unokuba, ngcono. Emva koko yenze icace ukuba ufuna nje thetha malunga nayo, ukuba akukho nto uyenzileyo, kwaye usenokukuthemba.

Ezinye zeendlela ezilungileyo

Bonisa uhlobo lobudlelwane bepolyamorous oyifunayo. Inkcazo enye evela kwesinye isibini inokwahluka ngokupheleleyo kwenye, utsho uTrahan Polyfidelity, umzekelo, kuthetha ukuba onke amalungu athathwa njengamaqabane alinganayo ahlala ethembekile kwenye. Abanye bakhetha ukuba "nonxibelelwano olusondeleyo," apho abathandi "babhalwe" njengeprayimari, isekondari okanye ephakamileyo, kuxhomekeke kwinqanaba lokuzibophezela okubandakanyekayo. Kwaye ke kukho isiphithiphithi sobudlelwane, xa unobudlelwane obuvulelekileyo abaninzi, kodwa ungazilebhili okanye uzibeke ngokwezikhundla.

Fumana imfundo. "Zininzi iincwadi ezintle phaya kwipolyamory, njengaye Ivulwe ga kwaye Umtshintshi weMidlaloutshilo uSheff. "Kukwakho neencwadana zemigaqo apho ungajonga khona kunye namaqela enkxaso kwi-intanethi anokunceda ekuphenduleni nayiphi na imibuzo onayo." Iintsimi zikwacebisa ukufuna isikhokelo kumcebisi, ngokukhethekileyo lowo unolwazi malunga kwaye usebenza rhoqo USheff, ongomnye waba bacebisi, uthi ungafumana uluhlu lweengcali kuMbutho weSizwe weNkululeko yoSondo.

Beka imida yakho. Kubalulekile ukuba nazi ukuba nobabini niziva njani malunga neemeko ezithile, utsho uTrahan, ke ngoko ukugubungela izihloko ezinje ngokuba ingakanani ingcaciso efunyanwa liqabane lakho-kwaye bayifumana nini (ngaba bafuna ukukunika imvume ngaphambili, yazi malunga nayo kanye emva kokuba yenzekile, okanye awufuni kwazi kwaphela ukuba awukho semngciphekweni?) ngundoqo kwimpumelelo. Eminye imixholo: Ukuba kulungile ukuba omnye umntu angabelani ngesondo ebhedini yakho; ukuba i-sleepovers ilungile; ngubani onokumbona kwaye ongaboniyo (ngaba baphelelwe yimida?); kwaye ukuba uneeakhawunti zebhanki ezahlukileyo ozisebenzisela iimali ezibandakanyekayo nabanye abantu (ukuhamba ngeentsuku, iiholide, njl njl).

Soloko ufundwaUkuphinda kuthethwe kwakhona. Ubudlelwane bepolyamorous obukusebenzelayo akufane buphele buyinto obuyiphupha okanye obuyiphupha ngayo, utshilo uSheff, ke gcina ingqondo evulekileyo. Kwaye ukuba uya kule kunye neqabane eliphambili, iiFilds zithi zihlala zihlala zingena kunye njengoko uthatha amanyathelo amatsha. "Kungenxa yokuba uvulelekile ukuba uphonononge oko akuthethi ukuba uyakuhlala wonwabile kuyo yonke inkalo eliqabane lakho, okanye kufuneka ulandele," utshilo. "Yenza into enenza ukuba nikhululeke, jongani, nixoxe ngokulandelayo. Ukuba omnye wenu uqala ukukhathazeka, thethani ngoko kulungele nina nobabini."

Nyaniseka. Nokuba loo nto iyazivuma iimvakalelo zekhwele, ukuba unomdla kumntu ongaqinisekanga ukuba iqabane lakho lilungile naye, okanye ayikusebenzeli nje-nokuba kunganjani, zonke iingcali ziyavuma ukuba unxibelelwano oluqhubekayo noluthembekileyo luyimfuneko ubudlelwane obunempumelelo. “Kunzima ngokweemvakalelo, kwaye kukwenza ujongane nemicimbi yakho,” utshilo uSheff. Nokuba unamathela kwi-polyamory okanye hayi, ukwenza lo mkhwa kuthetha ukuba kukho amandla okukhula kwaye ube nokunyaniseka ngakumbi, ubudlelwane obusondeleyo kunangaphambili.

Uphengululo lwe