Usuku kubomi bomntu onexhala lentlalontle

Umxholo

• Ukufumana isiqabu

Ndafunyaniswa ngokusesikweni ndinexhala ekuhlaleni nge-24, nangona bendibonisa imiqondiso ukusukela xa ndandimalunga neminyaka eyi-6. Ishumi elinesibhozo leminyaka sisigwebo sexesha elide entolongweni, ngakumbi xa ungakhange ubulale mntu.

Xa ndandisengumntwana, kwakusithiwa "ndinolwazelelelo" kwaye "ndineentloni." Ndandikucaphukela ukuhlanganisana njengentsapho yaye ndandide ndilile xa bendiculela “Usuku lokuzalwa olumnandi”. Khange ndikwazi ukuyicacisa. Ndazi nje ukuba ndiziva ndingonwabanga ukuba liziko lokuqwalaselwa. Kwaye njengokuba ndikhula, "ikhula" kunye nam. Esikolweni, ukucelwa ukuba ndifunde umsebenzi wam ngokuvakalayo okanye ndibizelwe ukuphendula umbuzo kungakhokelela kukuncipha. Umzimba wam wawuqandekile, ndandi blush ngomsindo, ndingakwazi nokuthetha. Ebusuku, bendichitha iiyure ndihlalutya unxibelelwano ebendinalo ngaloo mini, ndikhangela imiqondiso yokuba abo ndifunda nabo bayazi ukuba kukho into engalunganga ngam.

IYunivesithi yayilula, enkosi kwinto yomlingo ebizwa ngokuba butywala, ukuzithemba kolwelo lwam. Okokugqibela, ndingonwaba emathekweni! Nangona kunjalo, emazantsi emazantsi bendisazi ukuba esi ayisosisombululo. Emva kweyunivesithi, ndafumana umsebenzi wokuphupha ndaza ndafuduka kwidolophu yam yasemaphandleni ndaya kwikomkhulu elikhulu laseLondon. Ndaziva ndinemincili. Ngokuqinisekileyo ndandikhululekile ngoku? "It" ngekhe indilandele yonke indlela eya eLondon?

Okwethutyana bendonwabile, ndisebenza kwishishini endilithandayo. AndingoClaire "oneentloni" apha. Bendingaziwa njengaye wonke umntu. Nangona kunjalo, ekuhambeni kwexesha ndiqaphele iimpawu ezixeliweyo ezibuyayo. Nangona ndiwenzile kakuhle umsebenzi wam, bendiziva ndingakhuselekanga kwaye ndomile xa umntu endisebenza naye endibuza umbuzo. Ndandibahlalutya ubuso babantu xa bethetha nam, kwaye ndisoyika ukungqubana nomntu endimaziyo kwilifti okanye ekhitshini. Ebusuku, ndandidla ngokuxhalaba malunga nosuku olulandelayo de ndizisebenze ndize ndiphithizele. Ndandidiniwe kwaye ndihlala ndiphelile.

Olu ibilusuku oluqhelekileyo:

Ngo-7: 00 kusasa. Ndiyavuka kwaye, malunga nemizuzwana engama-60, yonke into ilungile. Emva koko, iyabetha, njengamaza atshayisa umzimba wam, kwaye ndiyaphaphazela. KungoMvulo ekuseni kwaye ndineveki yonke yomsebenzi endijongene nayo. Zingaphi iintlanganiso endinazo? Ngaba kulindeleke ukuba ndifake isandla? Kuthekani ukuba ndingaqubana nomntu endisebenza naye kwenye indawo? Ngaba singafumana izinto esinokuthetha ngazo? Ndiziva ndigula kwaye nditsiba ebhedini ndizama ukuphazamisa iingcinga.

Ngo-7: 30 kusasa. Ngexesha lesidlo sakusasa, ndibukele umabonwakude kwaye ndizama ngamandla ukuthintela ukubhuza entlokweni yam. Iingcinga zatsiba ebhedini kunye nam, kwaye azipheli. “Wonke umntu ucinga ukuba ungaqhelekanga. Uza kuqala ube neentloni ukuba kukho umntu othetha nawe. ” Andityi kakhulu.

Ngo-8: 30 kusasa. Ukuhamba sisihogo, njengesiqhelo. Uloliwe uyaphithizela kwaye ushushu kakhulu. Ndiziva ndicaphuka kwaye ndothuka kancinci. Intliziyo yam iyaxhuma kwaye ndizama ngamandla ukuziphazamisa, ndiphinda "Kulungile" kwilogu entlokweni yam njengengoma. Kutheni abantu bejonge kum? Ngaba ndenza into engaqhelekanga?

Ngo-9: 00 kusasa. Ndiyangxola xa ndibulisa oogxa bam kunye nomphathi. Ngaba ndandibonakala ndonwabile? Kutheni ndingaze ndicinge ngento enomdla ukuyithetha? Babuza ukuba ndifuna ikofu, kodwa ndiyala. Eyona nto ingcono ndingazobi ngakumbi kum ngokucela i-soy latte.

9:05 kusasa. Intliziyo yam iyatshona xa ndijonga kwikhalenda yam. Kukho into eselwayo emva komsebenzi ngokuhlwanje, kwaye ndiza kulindeleka kuthungelwano. "Uza kuzenza isidenge," kuvakala amazwi, kwaye intliziyo yam iqala ukubetha kwakhona.

11:30 kusasa Ngexesha lenkomfa umnxeba, ilizwi lam lityhoboza kancinci ngelixa liphendula umbuzo osisiseko. Ndixakekile ekuphenduleni kwaye ndiziva ndihlazekile. Umzimba wam wonke uvutha ziintloni kwaye ndifuna ngamandla ukuphuma egumbini. Akukho mntu uphawuleyo, kodwa ndiyazi ukuba bacinga ntoni: "Yindawoni le."

1:00 pm Oogxa bam bayaphumla kwikhefi ngesidlo sasemini, kodwa andisamkeli isimemo. Ndiza kuziphatha ngendlela engathandekiyo, ke kutheni ndimosha isidlo sasemini? Ngaphandle koko, ndiqinisekile ukuba bandimeme kuphela kuba bayandisizela. Phakathi kokulunywa isaladi yam, ndibhala phantsi imixholo yencoko yangokuhlwa. Ngokuqinisekileyo ndiza kubanda ngamanye amaxesha, ngoko ke kungcono ukuba ne-backup.

3:30 emva kwemini. Kudala ndijongile kwesi sipredishithi phantse iiyure ezimbini. Andikwazi ukugxila. Ingqondo yam ijonga yonke imeko enokwenzeka ngokuhlwa. Kuthekani ukuba ndichithela isiselo sam phezu komntu? Kuthekani ukuba ndiyakhubeka ndize ndiwe ngobuso? Abalawuli beenkampani baya kuba nomsindo. Ndiza kuphulukana nomsebenzi wam. Owu, ngenxa kaThixo kutheni ndingayeki ukucinga ngale ndlela? Ewe akukho mntu uya kugxila kum. Ndiziva ndibilile kwaye ndixinekile.

Ngo-6: 15 emva kwemini. Umsitho uqale imizuzu eli-15 eyadlulayo kwaye ndizimele kwizindlu zangasese. Kwigumbi elilandelayo, ulwandle lobuso luyadibana. Kazi ndingazifihla apha ubusuku bonke? Ingcinga elinga ngolo hlobo.

Ngo-7: 00 ebusuku. Ukunxibelelana nendwendwe, kwaye ndiqinisekile ukuba uyadika. Isandla sam sasekunene singcangcazela ngokukhawuleza, ngoko ndiyifaka epokothweni kwaye ndiyathemba ukuba akazukubona. Ndiziva ndisisidenge kwaye ndiveziwe. Uhlala ejonge egxalabeni lam. Kuya kufuneka enqwenele ukubaleka. Wonke umntu ukhangeleka ngathi bayonwaba. Akwaba bendisekhaya.

Ngo-8: 15 ebusuku. Ndichitha lonke uhambo oluya ekhaya ndiphinda ndiphindaphinde incoko nganye entlokweni yam. Ndiqinisekile ukuba ndibonakala ndingaqhelekanga kwaye ndingenzi nto ubusuku bonke. Umntu othile uya kuba uqaphele.

Ngo-9: 00 ebusuku. Ndilele ebhedini, ndidinwe mpela ngumhla. Ndiziva ndililolo.

Ukufumana isiqabu

Ekugqibeleni, iintsuku ezinje ngezi zibangele uthotho lohlaselo kunye nokuphazamiseka kwovalo. Ndingade ekugqibeleni ndizityhalele kude kakhulu.

Ugqirha wandifumanisa kwimizuzwana engama-60 esithi: “Ndixhalabile ekuhlaleni.” Ebesitsho lamazwi, zehla inyembezi kukukhululeka. Emva kwayo yonke le minyaka, "yona" ekugqibeleni yayinegama, kwaye ndinokwenza into ukujongana nayo. Ndanikwa amayeza, ikhosi yonyango lwe-CBT, kwaye ndatyikitywa emsebenzini inyanga enye. Oku kwandivumela ukuba ndiphilise. Ngethuba lokuqala ebomini bam andizange ndizive ndingenakunceda. Uxinzelelo kwezentlalo yinto enokulawulwa. Iminyaka emithandathu, kwaye ndenza loo nto kanye. Ndingaba ndiyaxoka ukuba bendinokuthi ndiphilisiwe, kodwa ndonwabile kwaye andiselilo ikhoboka lale meko ndikuyo.

Ungaze uhlupheke ngokugula ngengqondo uthe cwaka. Le meko inokuziva ingenathemba, kodwa kuhlala kukho into enokwenziwa.

UClaire Eastham yibhlog kunye nombhali othengisa kakhulu "Sonke Siphambene Apha". Unokunxibelelana naye kwi ibhlog yakhe, okanye kwi-tweet yakhe @ClaireyLove.