I-PTSD yasemva kokubeleka iyinyani. Ndifanele Ukwazi -Ndikhe ndaphila

Umxholo

• Kwakungekude kudala ukuba ndizale olona suku luyoyikeka kakhulu, kwaye lelona xesha lobomi bam.
• Ngaloo mini ka-Novemba, istudiyo se-yoga esasele siguqulwe saba sisigulana esibalulekileyo apho ndichithe iiyure zokuqala ezingama-24 zobomi bentombi yam, iingalo zoluliwe kwaye zithintelwe.
• Intombi yam yayicwangcisiwe ukuba ihanjiswe ngoqhaqho ngentsasa eqhelekileyo kaJulayi.
• Kwigumbi lokusebenzela, ndaye ndaphuza. Ndiyazi ukuba obu buchule buza kuthintela uloyiko.
• Usana lwam luvele lwaphuma njengoko ndayeka ukuhamba. Njengoko imizimba yethu yayiqhawulwa, imeko yethu yokuqonda yabuyela umva.
• Ndazifunqula ngaphezulu, ndabhala kwibhodi eqhotyoshwayo, "Umntwana wam ???" Ndagquma malunga netyhubhu ekrwitshayo, ndankcinkca iphepha ngendlela edlulayo.
• Eyona nto imbi ayikaze yazi ukuba ingahamba ixesha elingakanani. Akukho mntu unokuqikelela- {textend} iintsuku ezi-2 okanye iinyanga ezi-2?
• Kwiinyanga ezimbalwa kamva, ugqirha wam wezifo zengqondo wandivuyisana nendlela endandiphatha ngayo ukuba nosana lweNICU. Ndandilugubungele kakuhle uloyiko lwe-apocalyptic kangangokuba nale ngcali yezempilo yengqondo yayingandiboni.
• Ndirhalela iyoga- {textend} iiyure ezimbalwa ngeveki xa ndingafakwanga kuxanduva lokundwendwela ugqirha, ityala labazali, kunye noloyiko oluqhubekayo lokuba usana lwam alulunganga.
• Ukuphela kweklasi, sonke sahlala ngasemva kwaye sizilungiselela malunga nomda wegumbi. Kwacwangciswa isithethe esikhethekileyo, ukuphawula ukuphela nokuqala kwexesha.

Into elula njenge-yoga pose yayanele ukundithumela kwi-flashback.

"Vala amehlo akho. Khulula iinzwane zakho, imilenze yakho, umqolo wakho, isisu sakho. Hlaziya amahlombe akho, iingalo zakho, izandla zakho, iminwe yakho. Thatha umoya omninzi, ubeke uncumo emilebeni yomlomo wakho. Le yiSavasana yakho. ”

Ndibuyile emqolo, imilenze ivulekile, amadolo agobile, iingalo zam ecaleni lam, iintende zezandla phezulu. Ivumba elimnandi, elinothuli lisuka kwi-aromatherapy diffuser. Eli vumba lingqamana namagqabi afumileyo kunye neeacorn ezifaka indlela engaphaya komnyango we studio.

Kodwa into elula eyaneleyo inele ukundibela ixesha: "Ndivakalelwa ngathi ndiyazala," watsho omnye umfundi.

Kwakungekude kudala ukuba ndizale olona suku luyoyikeka kakhulu, kwaye lelona xesha lobomi bam.

Ndabuyela kwiyoga njengenye yamanyathelo amaninzi kwindlela yokubuyela emzimbeni nasengqondweni kunyaka olandelayo. Kodwa amagama athi "ukuzala," kunye nokuma kwam emngciphekweni kumatshini weyoga owela emva kwemini, benza iyelenqe lokuphembelela ukubuyela umva ngamandla kunye noloyiko.

Ngesiquphe, bendingekho kwi-yoga eluhlaza kumgangatho woqalo kwisitudiyo esimnyama seyoga esifakwe zizithunzi zasemva kwemini. Ndandikwitafile yokusebenza esibhedlele, ndibotshiwe kwaye ndikhubazekile, ndimamele isikhalo sentombi yam esandula kuzalwa ngaphambi kokuba nditshone mnyama.

Kubonakala ngathi ndinemizuzwana nje embalwa ukubuza, "Ngaba uyaphila?" kodwa bendisoyika ukuva impendulo.

Phakathi kwexesha elide lobumnyama, ndahamba ndaya kumphezulu wokuqonda okwethutyana, ndinyuka ngokwaneleyo ukuba ndibone ukukhanya. Amehlo am aya kuvuleka, iindlebe zam zibambe amagama ambalwa, kodwa andavuka.

Andizukuvuka nyani iinyanga, ndihamba ngenkungu yoxinzelelo, unxunguphalo, ubusuku be-NICU, kunye negeza elisandul 'ukuzalwa.

Ngaloo mini ka-Novemba, istudiyo se-yoga esasele siguqulwe saba sisigulana esibalulekileyo apho ndichithe iiyure zokuqala ezingama-24 zobomi bentombi yam, iingalo zoluliwe kwaye zithintelwe.

“U-Om Ongunaphakade” udlala kwigudiyo yeyoga, kwaye isijwili ngasinye esinzulu sibangela ukuba umhlathi wam uqinise ngakumbi. Umlomo wam uvalelwe ngokuchasene nokukhefuzela kunye nokukhala.

Iqela elincinane labafundi beyoga baphumla eSavasana, kodwa ndaya kuvalelwa kwintolongo yemfazwe. Umqala wam waminxeka, ndikhumbula ityhubhu yokuphefumla kunye nendlela endicenga ngayo ukuba umzimba wam uphela uvunyelwe ukuba uthethe, kuphela ukuba nditshitshiswe kwaye ndithintelwe.

Iingalo zam kunye namanqindi aqiniswe ngokuchasene neqhina lomtshato. Ndabila ndaza ndalwa nokuqhubeka nokuphefumla de “inamaste” yokugqibela yandikhulula, ndaye ndaphuma ndabaleka ukuphuma estudiyo.

Ngobo busuku, ngaphakathi komlomo wam ndaziva ndindindisholo kwaye ndinoburharha. Ndijonge isipili sendlu yangasese.

“Owu Thixo wam, ndophuke izinyo.”

Bendihlukanisiwe nomsitho wamanje, khange ndiqaphele kude kube ziiyure kamva: Njengokuba bendilele eSavasana ngaloo mva kwemini, ndiqinise amazinyo am kakhulu kangangokuba ndophuke imolar.

Intombi yam yayicwangcisiwe ukuba ihanjiswe ngoqhaqho ngentsasa eqhelekileyo kaJulayi.

Ndathumela imiyalezo nabahlobo bam, ndathatha iiselfie nomyeni wam, ndaye ndadibana nengcali yokudambisa iintlungu.

Ngelixa sijonga iifom zemvume, ndiwakhuphe onke amehlo am ngokungenakwenzeka kwale ngxelo yokuzalwa ihamba ecaleni. Kuphantsi kwaziphi iimeko apho ndingafuna khona ukuba ndibekwe ngaphakathi kwaye ndibekwe phantsi kweanesthesia ngokubanzi?

Hayi, umyeni wam kunye nam besiya kuba kunye kwigumbi lokusebenza elibandayo, iimbono zethu zezinto ezimbi ezigutyungelwe ngamashiti aluhlaza. Emva kwento ethile eyoyikisayo, erhuqwayo sishukuma esiswini sam, umntwana osandul 'ukuzalwa uza kubekwa ecaleni kobuso bam ukuze amange okokuqala.

Yile nto bendiyicwangcisile. Kodwa oh, ibihamba njalo ecaleni.

Kwigumbi lokusebenzela, ndaye ndaphuza. Ndiyazi ukuba obu buchule buza kuthintela uloyiko.

Ugqirha wenza amanxeba okuqala okuphuma esiswini sam, emva koko wema. Waphule udonga lwamashiti aluhlaza ukuze athethe nomyeni wam kunye nam. Wathetha ngokufanelekileyo nangokuzola, kwaye bonke ububele babususile kwigumbi.

“Ndiyabona ukuba i-placenta ikhule ngesibeleko sakho. Xa sisikayo ukukhupha umntwana, ndiyacinga ukuba kuya kubakho ukopha okuninzi. Kusenokufuneka senziwe isibeleko. Yiyo loo nto ndifuna ukulinda imizuzu embalwa ukuba kuziswe igazi kwi-OR. ”

"Ndizocela umyeni wakho ahambe ngelixesha sikufaka phantsi ugqibezele utyando," uyalele. "Akukho mibuzo?"

Imibuzo emininzi.

"Hayi? KULUNGILE."

Ndiyekile ukuphefumla kancinci. Ndankwantya luloyiko njengoko amehlo am ayephuma kwelinye icala lesilingi esiya kwesinye, ndingakwazi ukubona ngaphaya koloyikiso endandijolise kulo. Yedwa. Kuxakekile. Ukuthinjwa.

Usana lwam luvele lwaphuma njengoko ndayeka ukuhamba. Njengoko imizimba yethu yayiqhawulwa, imeko yethu yokuqonda yabuyela umva.

Uye wandifaka endaweni ye-fracas ngelixa nditshona kwisibeleko esimnyama. Akukho mntu wandixelela ukuba uyaphila.

Ndavuka emva kweeyure kamva kwindawo evakala ngathi yindawo yemfazwe, iyunithi yokhathalelo lwasemva kokubulawa. Khawufane ucinge ngemifanekiso yeendaba ka-1983 ye-Beirut - {textend} i-carnage, ukukhala, iialarm. Xa ndavukayo emva kotyando, ndifunga ndicinga ukuba ndikwindawo yokupaka ngokwam.

Ilanga lasemva kwemini ngeefestile eziphakamileyo zenza yonke into endingqongileyo. Izandla zam zazibotshelelwe ebhedini, ndandifudumele, kwaye iiyure ezingama-24 ezalandelayo zazingaziwa liphupha elibi.

Abongikazi abangena bandla benyuka phezu kwam nangaphaya kwebhedi. Baye baphuma bangena ekuboneni njengoko ndandihamba ndingena ndisiya ezingqondweni.

Ndazifunqula ngaphezulu, ndabhala kwibhodi eqhotyoshwayo, "Umntwana wam ???" Ndagquma malunga netyhubhu ekrwitshayo, ndankcinkca iphepha ngendlela edlulayo.

"Ndifuna uphumle," watsho umfanekiso-mfanekiso. “Siza kufumanisa ngomntwana wakho.”

Ndithi nkxu emva phantsi. Ndilwele ukuhlala ndiphaphile, ukunxibelelana, ukugcina ulwazi.

Ukuphulukana negazi, utofelo-gazi, isibeleko, umntwana ...

Malunga no-2 ekuseni- {textend} ngaphezulu kwesiqingatha sosuku emva kokuba etsaliwe kum - {textend} Ndadibana nentombi yam ubuso ngobuso. Umongikazi osandula ukuzalwa wayemdlulisele kum esibhedlele. Izandla zam bezisabotshiwe, bendinokumnxiba kuphela ubuso bakhe ndimyeke athathwe kwakhona.

Ngentsasa elandelayo, ndandisathinjiwe kwi-PACU, kunye neekhetshi kunye neepaseji kude, umntwana wayengafumani oksijini yaneleyo. Wayeguqukile okwesibhakabhaka kwaye wafuduselwa kwi-NICU.

Wahlala ebhokisini kwi-NICU ngelixa ndaya ndedwa kwigumbi lokubeleka. Kabini ngemini, ubuncinci, umyeni wam wayemndwendwela umntwana, andityelele, amtyelele kwakhona, aze andixelele yonke into entsha abacinga ukuba ayilunganga kuye.

Eyona nto imbi ayikaze yazi ukuba ingahamba ixesha elingakanani. Akukho mntu unokuqikelela- {textend} iintsuku ezi-2 okanye iinyanga ezi-2?

Ndibaleke ndaya ezantsi ndaya kuhlala ecaleni kwebhokisi yakhe, emva koko ndibuyele egumbini lam apho bendinokuphazamiseka khona iintsuku ezi-3. Wayesese-NICU xa ndigoduka.

Ngobusuku bokuqala ndibuyele ebhedini yam, andikwazi ukuphefumla. Ndandiqinisekile ukuba ndizibulale ngengozi ngomxube wamayeza eentlungu kunye nezidambisi.

Ngomso olandelayo kwi-NICU, ndibukele umntwana elwela ukutya ngaphandle kokuntywila. Sasiyibhloko enye ukusuka esibhedlele xa ndophukayo kwindlela yokuqhuba yenqanawa yenkukhu eqhotsiweyo.

Isithethi esiqhubayo sagqobhoza kwisikhalo sam esingafunekiyo: "Yhu, yo, ufuna inkukhu ihambe?"

Yayingenangqondo kwaphela le nkqubo.

Kwiinyanga ezimbalwa kamva, ugqirha wam wezifo zengqondo wandivuyisana nendlela endandiphatha ngayo ukuba nosana lweNICU. Ndandilugubungele kakuhle uloyiko lwe-apocalyptic kangangokuba nale ngcali yezempilo yengqondo yayingandiboni.

Oko kuwa, umakhulu wam wasweleka, kwaye akukho zimvo zivuselelekileyo. Ikati yethu isweleke ngeKrisimesi, kwaye ndiye ndathuthuzela umyeni wam.

Ngaphezulu konyaka, iimvakalelo zam zazibonakala kuphela xa zishukunyiswa - {textend} ngokundwendwela esibhedlele, ngesibhedlele esibonakalayo kumabonwakude, ngokulandelelana kokuzalwa kwiimovie, ngendawo eqhelekeyo studio seyoga.

Xa ndabona imifanekiso evela kwi-NICU, kwavuleka umsantsa kwimemori yebhanki yam. Ndiwele phakathi, emva kwexesha kwiiveki zokuqala ezi-2 zokuzalwa komntwana wam.

Xa ndabona izinto zonyango, ndandibuyele esibhedlele nam. Emuva kwi-NICU kunye nosana u-Elizabeth.

Ndikuva ukunkqonkqoza kwezixhobo zentsimbi, ngandlela thile. Ndiva iingubo eziqinileyo zeengubo zokukhusela kunye neengubo ezisanda kuzalwa. Yonke into incamathele ngeenxa zonke kwinqwelo yabantwana yentsimbi. Umoya utshitshisile. Ndibe nokuva i-beep ye-elektroniki yeemonitha, ii-whir zoomatshini beempompo, iinyama ezinomdla zezidalwa ezincinci.

Ndirhalela iyoga- {textend} iiyure ezimbalwa ngeveki xa ndingafakwanga kuxanduva lokundwendwela ugqirha, ityala labazali, kunye noloyiko oluqhubekayo lokuba usana lwam alulunganga.

Ndazibophelela kwiyoga yeveki yonke kwanaxa ndandingakwazi ukuphefumla, nokuba umyeni wam kufuneka andithethile ngokutsiba ngalo lonke ixesha. Ndathetha notitshala wam malunga nento endijongene nayo, kwaye nokwabelana nokuba semngciphekweni kwam kwaba nomgangatho wokuhlenga uvumo lwamaKatolika.

Ngaphezulu konyaka emva koko, ndaye ndahlala kwistudiyo esinye apho ndaye ndafumana ukubuyela umva kwePTSD. Ndizikhumbuze ukuba ndihlambe amazinyo ngamathuba athile. Ndithathe unonophelo olukhethekileyo lokuhlala phantsi ngexesha lokuma okusemngciphekweni ngokujolisa kwindawo endikuyo, iinkcukacha zomzimba wendalo yam: umgangatho, amadoda nabafazi abandingqongileyo, ilizwi likatitshala wam.

Okwangoku, ndalwa negumbi lokungxola ukusuka kwigumbi lokufundela elingemninzi ukuya kwigumbi lasesibhedlele elingacacanga. Sekunjalo, ndandilwela ukukhulula uxinzelelo lwezihlunu zam nokuqonda oko kuxinezeleka kwimiqobo yangaphandle.

Ukuphela kweklasi, sonke sahlala ngasemva kwaye sizilungiselela malunga nomda wegumbi. Kwacwangciswa isithethe esikhethekileyo, ukuphawula ukuphela nokuqala kwexesha.

Sihleli imizuzu engama-20, siphinda-phinda “ohm” amaxesha ali-108.

Ndiphefumle nzulu ...

Ooooooooooooooooooooo

Kwakhona, umphefumlo wam ungene ngaphakathi ...

Ooooooooooooooooooooo

Ndasiva isingqisho somoya opholileyo ongena ngaphakathi, uguqulwa sisisu sam ukuba sibe shushu, esinzulu, ilizwi lam alinakuchazeka kwabanye abangama-20.

Kwakungokokuqala kwiminyaka emi-2 ukuba ndiphefumle kwaye ndiphefumle kakhulu. Bendiphilisa.

U-Anna Lee Beyer ubhala malunga nempilo yengqondo, ukuba ngumzali, kunye neencwadi zeHuffington Post, iRomper, iLifehacker, iGlamour nabanye. Mndwendwele kuFacebook nakuTwitter.