Ukufumana Uncedo Emva Kokuzibulala KukaBawo

Umxholo

• Iinkumbulo
• Umothuko
• Ukuqala ukuphilisa
• Unceda ntoni?
• Crafting ibali
• Unyango
• Ukuzikhathalela
• Yamkele indlela oziva ngayo
• Yintoni enzima?
• Iziqhulo zokuzibulala
• Imifanekiso enobundlobongela
• Ukwabelana ngebali
• Iingcamango zokuvala

Intlungu exineneyo

Utata uzibulale kwiintsuku ezimbini phambi koMbulelo. Umama wamgxotha i-turkey ngaloo nyaka. Sekuyiminyaka esithoba kwaye asikabi nawo Umbulelo ekhaya. Amanxuwa okuzibulala izinto ezininzi kwaye afuna ulwakhiwo kwakhona. Siphinde sazakha iiholide ngoku, senza amasiko amatsha kunye neendlela ezintsha zokubhiyozela kunye. Kubekho imitshato nokuzalwa, amathuba okuba nethemba novuyo, ukanti kusekho indawo emnyama apho utata wayeke wema khona.

Ubomi bukabawo babunzima kwaye ngokunjalo nokufa kwakhe. Utata wayenzima ukuzazi nokwazi ukuba nabantwana bakhe. Kubuhlungu ukwazi ukuba usweleke yedwa kwaye kwindawo yakhe emnyama yengqondo. Ngalo lonke olu lusizi, ayothusi into yokuba ukusweleka kwakhe kundishiye ndikwimeko yokothuka kunye nentlungu enzima.

Iinkumbulo

Iinkumbulo ezikhawulezileyo emva kokusweleka kukatata ziyabhidisa, okona kulungileyo. Andikhumbuli okwenzekileyo, into endiyenzileyo, okanye indlela endiphila ngayo.

Ndingalibala yonke into - ndilibale apho ndiya khona, ndilibale into ebendifanele ukuyenza, ndilibale ukuba ngubani endifanele ukudibana naye.

Ndiyakhumbula ukuba ndandinoncedo. Ndandinomhlobo owayehamba nam esiya emsebenzini yonke imihla (kungenjalo andizukuyenza), amalungu osapho ayendiphekela ukutya, kunye nomama owayehlala elila kunye nam.

Ndikhumbula nokukhumbula ukufa kukatata wam, ngokuphindaphindiweyo. Andizange ndiwubone umzimba wakhe, andizange ndibone indawo apho wafela khona, okanye umpu awusebenzisileyo. Ukanti mna yabona Inguqulelo katata wam esweleka rhoqo ebusuku xa ndivale amehlo. Ndabona umthi apho ahleli khona, isixhobo asisebenzisileyo, ndaye ndanexhala ngaphezulu kwexesha lakhe lokugqibela.

Umothuko

Ndenze yonke into bendingenako ukuvala amehlo am ndize ndedwa ndineengcinga. Ndasebenza kakhulu, ndichitha iiyure kwindawo yokuzivocavoca, kwaye ubusuku kunye nabahlobo. Bendindindisholo kwaye bendikhetha ukwenza nantoni na ngaphandle vuma okwenzekayo emhlabeni wam.

Ndandiye ndizidinise emini ndize ekhaya kugqirha endimiselwe ukulala kunye neglasi yewayini.

Nangona amayeza okulala, ukuphumla kwakusengumcimbi. Khange ndikwazi ukuvala amehlo ndingakhange ndibone mzimba katata wam obuthile. Kwaye nangona ndandigcwele ikhalenda yentlalo, ndandiselusizana kwaye ndinemvakalelo. Ezona zinto zincinci zinokundisusa: umhlobo ekhalaza ngotata wakhe okhuselayo, umntu asebenza naye ekhalaza malunga nokuqhekeka "kokuphela kwehlabathi", okwishumi elivisayo esitratweni ekhwaza utata wakhe. Ngaba aba bantu babengazi ukuba banethamsanqa kangakanani? Ngaba wonke umntu akazange aqonde ukuba umhlaba wam uphelile?

Wonke umntu ujongana ngokwahlukileyo, kodwa inye into endiyifundileyo kwinkqubo yokuphilisa kukuba ukothuka kuyindlela eqhelekileyo yokuphendula kulo naluphi na uhlobo lokufa ngesiquphe okanye isiganeko esibuhlungu. Ingqondo ayinakukwazi ukumelana nale nto yenzekayo kwaye ungabi namandla.

Ubungakanani beemvakalelo zam bandoyisile. Intlungu iza ngamaza kwaye usizi lokuzibulala luza ngamaza etsunami. Bendinomsindo emhlabeni ngokungamncedi utata kwaye ndinomsindo notata ngokungazincedi. Ndandibuhlungu ngokunzulu ngentlungu kabawo kwaye ndikhathazeke kakhulu ngentlungu awayendibangele yona. Ndandihlupheka, kwaye ndoyama ngabahlobo bam kunye nosapho ukuze bandixhase.

Ukuqala ukuphilisa

Ukuphilisa ngokuzibulala kukatata kwakunzima kakhulu ukuba ndenze ndedwa, kwaye ndaye ndagqiba kwelokuba ndifune uncedo lobungcali. Ukusebenza nengcali yeengqondo, ndakwazi ukuqonda imeko yokugula kukatata wam kwaye ndayiqonda indlela ukhetho lwakhe olubuchaphazele ngayo ubomi bam. Ikwanike nendawo ekhuselekileyo yokwabelana ngamava am ngaphandle kokukhathazeka ngokuba "ngumthwalo" kuye nabani na.

Ukongeza kunyango lomntu ngamnye, ndaye ndajoyina neqela lokuxhasa abantu abaphulukene nomntu wabo abamthandayo ngokuzibulala. Ukudibana naba bantu kuncede ekulungiseni amava am amaninzi. Sonke sasihambahamba kwinkungu efanayo enzima yosizi. Uninzi lwethu luphindaphinde ixesha lokugqibela kunye nabantu esibathandayo. Sonke sasizibuza ukuba, “Kutheni?”

Ngonyango, ndiye ndaziqonda ngcono iimvakalelo zam nendlela yokulawula iimpawu zam. Uninzi lwabantu abasindileyo lokuzibulala banengxaki yokubandezeleka, ukudakumba, kunye nePTSD.

Inyathelo lokuqala lokufumana uncedo kukwazi ukuba ungajonga phi. Kukho imibutho eliqela egxile ekuncedeni amaxhoba okuphulukana nokuzibulala, anje ngala:

• Abasindileyo bokuzibulala
• Isiseko saseMelika soThintelo lokuzibulala
• Umdibaniso weThemba labasindileyo bokulahleka kokuzibulala

Unokufumana uluhlu lwezixhobo zamaqela enkxaso okanye abanyangi abagxile ekusebenzeni nabasindileyo ekuzibulaleni. Unokuphinda ubuze ugqirha wakho wokhathalelo lokuqala okanye umboneleli weinshurensi ngezindululo.

Unceda ntoni?

Crafting ibali

Mhlawumbi ngaphezulu kwayo nantoni na, unyango lundinike ithuba lokuba ndibalise "ibali" lokuzibulala kukatata. Iziganeko ezothusayo zinotyekelo lokubambeka kwingqondo kwiziqwenga ezingaqhelekanga kunye neziqwenga. Ukuqala kwam unyango, ndandingakwazi nokuthetha ngokusweleka kukatata. Amagama nje awayi kuza. Ngokubhala nokuthetha ngalo msitho, kancinci kancinci ndakwazi ukwenza elam ibali lokusweleka kukatata.

Ukufumana umntu onokuthetha naye kwaye uncike kuye linyathelo lokuqala elibalulekileyo oza kulithatha emva kokulahlekelwa ngumntu omthandayo ukuzibulala, kodwa kukwabalulekile ukuba nomntu onokuthetha naye emva kweminyaka ilahleko. Intlungu ayipheli. Ezinye iintsuku ziya kuba nzima kunezinye, kwaye ukuba nomntu onokuthetha naye kunokukunceda ulawule iintsuku ezinzima.

Ukuthetha nonyango oluqeqeshiweyo kunokunceda, kodwa ukuba awukakulungeli okwangoku, fikelela kumhlobo okanye ilungu losapho. Akunyanzelekanga ukuba wabelane ngayo yonke into nalo mntu. Namathela kwinto okhululekileyo ukwabelana ngayo.

Ukushicilelwa kunokuba yindlela efanelekileyo yokukhupha iingcinga zakho entlokweni yakho kwaye uqale ukwenza ingqiqo kuyo yonke into. Khumbula ukuba awubhali phantsi iingcinga zakho kwabanye, kubandakanya ikamva lakho, ukuze bazifunde. Akukho nto uyibhalayo ayilunganga. Yintoni ebalulekileyo kukuba unyanisekile malunga nendlela oziva ngayo kwaye ucinga ngalo mzuzu.

Unyango

Abanye abantu abakonwabi malunga nokuzibulala, nangona ukuzibulala kungunobangela weshumi ophambili wokufa eUnited States. Unyango lokuthetha lundincedile iminyaka. Ndixhamle kwindawo ekhuselekileyo yonyango lwengqondo, apho ndinokuxoxa ngayo yonke imicimbi yokuzibulala.

Xa ufuna i-Therapist, fumana umntu oziva ukhululekile ukuthetha naye. Akunyanzelekanga ukuba uzinze kunyango wokuqala owuzamayo, nokuba. Uya kubavulela malunga nesiganeko sobuqu ebomini bakho. Unokufuna kwakhona ugqirha onamava onceda abasindileyo bokulahleka kokuzibulala. Buza umboneleli wakho wokuqala ukuba unazo naziphi na iingcebiso, okanye tsalela umnikezeli wakho weinshurensi. Ukuba ujoyine iqela labasindileyo, ungabuza amalungu eqela lakho ukuba anazo naziphi na iingcebiso. Ngamanye amaxesha ukuthetha ngomlomo yeyona ndlela ilula yokufumana ugqirha omtsha.

Amayeza anokunceda. Imiba yezengqondo inokuba nenxalenye yebhayoloji, kwaye iminyaka eliqela ndisebenzise amayeza ukunyanga iimpawu zam zoxinzelelo. Ugqirha wakho unokukunceda ukuba uthathe isigqibo sokuba ngaba amayeza akulungele na, kwaye banokumisela izinto ezinje ngoxinzelelo, amayeza okulwa noxinzelelo, okanye izixhobo zokulala.

Ukuzikhathalela

Enye yezona zinto zibalulekileyo endinokuzenza yayikukukhumbula ukuzikhathalela kakuhle. Kum, ukuzikhathalela kubandakanya ukutya okusempilweni, umthambo, iyoga, izihlobo, ixesha lokubhala, kunye nexesha lokuya eholideyini. Uluhlu lwakho lungahluka. Gxila kwizinto eziza kukuzisela uvuyo, zikuncede uphumle, kwaye zikugcine usempilweni.

Ndibe nethamsanqa lokujikelezwa yinethiwekhi elungileyo yenkxaso eyayiza kundikhumbuza xa ndingazinyamekeli kakuhle. Intlungu ngumsebenzi onzima, kwaye umzimba ufuna ukuphumla nokhathalelo olufanelekileyo ukuze uphile.

Yamkele indlela oziva ngayo

Ukuphiliswa okwenyani kwaqala kum xa ndiqala ukuvuma ukuba kwenzeka ntoni kanye ebomini bam. Oku kuthetha ukuba ndinyanisekile ebantwini xa ndinosuku olubi. Iminyaka, isikhumbuzo sokufa kukatata kunye nomhla wokuzalwa kwakhe yayiziintsuku ezinzima kum. Bendithatha iintsuku ndingaphangeli ndizenzele into entle okanye ndihlale nabahlobo endaweni yokuhamba ngemini yam ndenze ngathi yonke into "ilungile". Nje ukuba ndizinike imvume yokwenza hayi Kulungile, okuhlekisayo kukuba ndiqale ukukhulisa.

Yintoni enzima?

Ukuzibulala kuchaphazela abantu ngeendlela ezahlukeneyo, kwaye wonke umntu uya kuba nezinto zakhe ezinokubakhumbuza ngentlungu yabo okanye bakhumbule iimvakalelo ezimbi. Ezinye zezi zinto zibangela kube lula ukuziphepha kunezinye, yiyo loo nto kubalulekile ukuba nenethiwekhi yenkxaso.

Iziqhulo zokuzibulala

Kude kube namhla, ukuzibulala kunye neziqhulo zokugula ngengqondo zisandenza ndangcangcazela. Ngesizathu esithile, kusamkeleka ekuhlaleni ukuba abantu baqhule ngokufuna "ukuzidubula" okanye "ukutsiba kwisakhiwo." Kwiminyaka eliqela eyadlulayo oku ngekwakundinciphise iinyembezi; namhlanje indenza ndiphumle emva koko ndiqhubeke nosuku lwam.

Cinga ngokwazisa abantu ukuba ezi ziqhulo azilunganga. Mhlawumbi bebengazami ukukhubekisa, kwaye ukubafundisa malunga nokungakhathali kwezimvo zabo kunokunceda ukubathintela ekuthetheni izinto ezinjalo kwixesha elizayo.

Imifanekiso enobundlobongela

Andizange ndikhe ndonwabele iimovie ezinobundlobongela okanye umabonwakude, kodwa emva kokusweleka kukatata, andikwazi kubona igazi okanye imipu kwiscreen ngaphandle kokuqhwanyaza. Ndandidla ngokuba neentloni kakhulu malunga noku, ngakumbi xa ndikunye nabahlobo abatsha okanye ndiphumile. Kule mihla ndibeka phambili kakhulu kukhetho lwam lweendaba.Uninzi lwabahlobo bam bayazi ukuba andizithandi iinkqubo ezinobundlobongela kwaye ndiyayamkela loo nto ngaphandle kokubuza (nokuba bayayazi okanye bayayazi na imbali yosapho lwam).

Thetha ngokuphandle ngeemvakalelo zakho. Uninzi lwabantu alufuni ukubeka omnye umntu kwimeko engathandekiyo, ngoko baya kuba nombulelo ngokwazi ukuba yintoni eyenza ungonwabi. Ukuba basazama ukukutyhala kwiimeko ezikwenza ungakhululeki, jonga ukuba ubudlelwane busabalulekile na. Ukuba phakathi kwabantu abahlala bekwenza ungonwabi okanye ungonwabanga akunampilo.

Ukwabelana ngebali

Ukwabelana ngebali lokuzibulala kukatata kuye kwalula ngokuhamba kwexesha, kodwa kusengumngeni. Kwiintsuku zokuqala, ndandinolawulo oluncinci kwiimvakalelo zam kwaye ndandihlala ndikhupha into eyenzekileyo kuye nabani na obuzayo. Ngombulelo, olo suku ludlulile.

Namhlanje, elona candelo linzima kukwazi ukuba uza kwabelana nini kwaye ungabelana ngani nabanye. Ndihlala ndinika abantu ulwazi ngeziqwenga, kwaye kungcono okanye kubi, bambalwa kakhulu abantu kweli lizwe abalaziyo lonke ibali lokufa kukabawo.

Sukuziva ngathi kufuneka wabelane ngayo yonke into. Nokuba umntu ukubuza umbuzo ongqalileyo, awunyanzelekanga ukuba wabelane nantoni na ongakulungelanga ukwabelana ngayo. Abasindileyo kumaqela okuzibulala banokuba yindawo ekhuselekileyo yokwabelana ngebali lakho. Amalungu anokukwazi ukukunceda uhambehamba ngokwabelana ngebali lakho namaqela akho ezentlalo okanye abahlobo abatsha. Ngenye indlela, unokukhetha ukuba wabelane ngayo nabahlobo bakho kuqala ukuze ibe kwindawo evulekileyo, okanye unokuthatha isigqibo sokwabelana ngeziqwenga apha naphaya nabantu abakhethiweyo. Nangona kunjalo ukhetha ukwabelana ngebali, eyona nto ibalulekileyo kukuba wabelana ngexesha lakho kwaye wabelane nenani lolwazi okhululekileyo ulwabelana ngalo.

Ukuzibulala sisihloko esinzima kwaye ngamanye amaxesha abantu abasabeli kakuhle kwiindaba. Iinkolelo zabantu, okanye ezabo iingcinga okanye iingcinga eziphosakeleyo zinokuphazamisa. Kwaye ngamanye amaxesha abantu bayathandeka kwaye abonwabanga malunga nezihloko ezinzima. Oku kunokuba yinto ephazamisayo, kodwa ngombulelo ndinenethiwekhi eyomeleleyo yabahlobo ukuze bandincede ndihambe ngale mizuzu. Ukuba ujongeka unzima ngokwaneleyo kwaye ungalahli ithemba, ungafumana abantu abafanelekileyo bokukuxhasa.

Iingcamango zokuvala

Ukuzibulala kukatata yayisesona siganeko sibuhlungu ebomini bam. Kwakukho amaxesha xa ndandibuhlungu apho ndandingaqinisekanga ukuba ukubandezeleka kuya kuze kuphele. Kodwa bendiqhubeka ndicothoza, kancinci kancinci ndiye ndaqala ndabeka ubomi bam kwakhona.

Akukho mephu yokubuyela ebomini, akukho sayizi inye elingana nayo yonke indlela. Wakha indlela yakho yokuphilisa njengoko uhamba, ubeke kancinci inyawo elinye kwelinye. Ngenye imini ndaphakamisa amehlo kwaye andizange ndilile imini yonke, ngaxa lithile ndaphakamisa amehlo kwaye ndandingazange ndicinge ngotata wam kwiiveki ezininzi. Kukho amaxesha ngoku apho loo mihla emnyama yosizi iziva ngathi liphupha elibi.

Ubukhulu becala, ubomi bam bubuyele esiqhelweni. Ukuba ndiyema kwaye ndiyeke, intliziyo yam iyabuhlungu ngenxa kabawo nayo yonke lentlungu ayifumeneyo nayo yonke lentlungu ayizisileyo kusapho lwam. Kodwa ukuba ndithe nqumama ngomnye umzuzu, ndinombulelo ongazenzisiyo kubo bonke abahlobo bam kunye nosapho ngokundinceda, kwaye ndinombulelo wokwazi ubunzulu bam amandla angaphakathi.