Nantsi indlela endifunde ngayo ukuba ndikwihlobo lobuhlobo

Umxholo

• Khange ndiyiqonde ngelo xesha, kodwa ubuhlobo bam "obugqibeleleyo" eneneni babubangela iipokotho ezincinci zesithukuthezi ebomini bam.
• Ukuchonga igama lepateni
• Ukungahoyi iingxaki ebomini bam
• Ungaze wenze impazamo yomntu omnye
• Inyathelo lokugqibela: Ukucela umgama

Khange ndiyiqonde ngelo xesha, kodwa ubuhlobo bam "obugqibeleleyo" eneneni babubangela iipokotho ezincinci zesithukuthezi ebomini bam.

Xa umhlobo wam osenyongweni wandixelela ukuba unengxaki yokuvuka ebhedini, agqibe imisebenzi yesiqhelo, kwaye agqibe izicelo zakhe zokuhlala, into yokuqala endiyenzileyo kukujonga iinqwelomoya. Kwakungekho mpikiswano ekupheleni kwam.

Ngelo xesha, ndandihlala eKarachi, ePakistan. Waye kwisikolo sezonyango eSan Antonio. Ndingumbhali ozimeleyo onobhetyebhetye ngokwaneleyo. Wayendidinga. Kwaye ndinexesha.

Kwiintsuku ezintathu kamva, ndandihamba ngenqwelomoya iiyure ezili-14, kwaye ndavula ijenali yam ukurekhoda ibinzana kwincwadi endandiyifunda. Kulapho ndaqaphela isigwebo endandisibhale ngaphantsi konyaka.

Eli yayingeloxesha lokuqala ndalahla yonke into ukumnceda. Njengoko ndandityhila amaphepha ejenali yam, ndaye ndaqala ukuqaphela ukuba oku akubonakalisi okwesibini okanye okwesithathu. Ngelixa ndandizinikela kuye, ndandihlala ndishiyeka ngasemva xa ubomi bakhe buye babuya ekubanjweni.

Ukuchonga igama lepateni

Andikhumbuli xa ndiqala ukuqonda ukuba ubudlelwane bethu bebungekho mpilweni. Into endiyikhumbulayo, nangona kunjalo, kukufunda ukuba lalikhona igama lento sasiyiyo: ukuxhomekeka.

NgokukaSharon Martin, ugqirha wezengqondo eSan Jose, uCalif., Ojolise ekuxhomekekeni, ubudlelwane obuxhomekeke kubukho abuchongi. Lulwalamano olungasebenzi kakuhle apho umntu omnye azilahlekayo kumzamo wakhe wokukhathalela omnye umntu. Kwenye indawo ezantsi komgca, okanye kwasekuqaleni, umntu omnye uye abe "uxhomekeke kwikhowudi" kwaye angazihoyi iimfuno kunye neemvakalelo zabo. Baziva benetyala kwaye banoxanduva lokujongana neengxaki zomnye umntu nokusombulula iinkxalabo zabo.

Ukwenza ukuba kwenzeke rhoqo kwenzeka ngengozi, kodwa rhoqo, endaweni yokuvumela amaqabane abo ukuba afunde kwiimpazamo zabo, bayangena kwaye "balungise" yonke into, bangaze bavumele omnye umntu ukuba abe namava okwenyani.

Oku ngokusisiseko kushwankathela ubudlelwane bam nomhlobo wam osenyongweni.

Ukungahoyi iingxaki ebomini bam

EKarachi, ndandikhathazekile, ndikhathazwa bubomi endabushiya eUnited States. Ndikhumbula ukuhlala ezivenkileni zekofu nokusela kwiindawo zentselo nabahlobo ngeempelaveki. EKarachi, kwakunzima ukuhlangana nabantu abatsha kunye nokuziqhelanisa nobomi bam obutsha. Endaweni yokuzama ukwenza into ngeengxaki zam, bendichithe lonke ixesha lam ndizama ukulungisa nokubumba ubomi bomhlobo wam osenyongweni.

Akukho mntu undingqongileyo owakhe wachaza ukuba ubuhlobo bunokungonelisi kwaye bungabi yimpilo. Ndacinga ukuba ngumhlobo olungileyo kuthetha ukuvela nokuba kwenzeka ntoni. Ndingakuphepha ukwenza ezinye izicwangciso kunye nabanye abahlobo abahlala kwindawo efanayo nam ukuze ndibekhona kuye. Amaxesha amaninzi ebendiphoxa.

Ngamanye amaxesha ndandihlala kude kubethe u-3 ekuseni xa efuna ukuthetha nam, kodwa ndandidla ngokuchitha elo xesha ndizikhathaza ngento engahambanga kakuhle. Kodwa akukho namnye wabahlobo bam owayesebenzisa imali yakhe ukulungisa ubomi bomnye umntu. Akukho mntu wacinga ukuba bafuna ukwazi ukuba uphi umhlobo wabo osenyongweni ngalo lonke ixesha losuku.

Imood yetshomi yam nayo ibichaphazela imini yam yonke. Xa wayexakanisekile, ndaziva ndinoxanduva - ngokungathi ngendikwazile ukuzilungisa. Izinto ezinokuthi kwaye umhlobo wam ebefanele ukuba uyazenza, ndamenzela zona.

U-Leon F. Seltzer, ugqirha wezengqondo, kunye nombhali we-Evolution ye-Self blog, ucacisile ukuba "u-codependent" unokuba nemicimbi yakhe ehlala icuthwa kolu lwalamano.

Zonke ezi bekufanele ukuba ziyimiqondiso yesilumkiso, kwaye ngoncedo lomgama othile, ndiyakwazi ukujonga konke oku ngokuchanekileyo kwaye ndibazise njengeendlela zokuziphatha ezinengxaki. Kodwa ngexa ndandisemathandweni, ndinexhala lomhlobo wam osenyongweni, kwakunzima ukuqaphela ukuba bendiyinxalenye yengxaki.

Ungaze wenze impazamo yomntu omnye

Ngexesha elininzi lobu buhlobo, ndaziva ndisoyika ndedwa. Oku, ndafunda, yimvakalelo eqhelekileyo. UMartin uyavuma ukuba, "abaxhomekekileyo banokuziva bengamalolo, nkqu nakubudlelwane, kuba abafumani zidingo zabo." Kwakhona uthi ayisoze ibe yimpazamo yomntu omnye.

Ubudlelwane obuxhomekeke kubuntu buhlala busenzeka xa kukho indibaniselwano egqibeleleyo yabantu: Umntu omnye unothando kwaye uyakhathala, ufuna ngokwenene ukukhathalela abantu ababangqongileyo, kwaye omnye ufuna ukhathalelo olukhulu.

Uninzi lweekhowudi azinayo loo nto, kwaye ngenxa yoko, ziphela ziziva zinesithukuthezi, nkqu ngexesha lobudlelwane. Oku kundichaze ngokugqibeleleyo. Ndithe ndakufumanisa ukuba ubuhlobo bam abusenampilo, ndazama ukuzihlukanisa ndaphinda ndamisa imida. Ingxaki yayikukuba mna nomhlobo wam sobabini, sasiqhele ukuba zinjani izinto, phantse kwangoko siyityeshele imida esiza kuyimisa.

Inyathelo lokugqibela: Ukucela umgama

Okokugqibela, ndixelele umhlobo wam ukuba ndifuna ukuseta kwakhona. Wayebonakala ukuba uyaqonda ukuba ndisokola ngokwenene, ngoko ke savumelana ukuba siza kuthatha ixesha ukwahlukana. Sele iinyanga ezine sithethile kakuhle.

Kukho amaxesha apho ndiziva ndikhululeke ngokupheleleyo, ndingasindwa ziingxaki ezininzi awayejamelana nazo ebomini bakhe. Ukanti akho amanye amaxesha apho ndimkhumbula umhlobo wam osenyongweni.

Into endiyiphosayo, nangona kunjalo, yindlela awayeyidinga ngayo, kwaye nenxalenye enkulu yobomi bam wayithatha. Ukwahlukana nomhlobo wam kwandinika indawo yokwenza utshintsho olufunekayo ebomini bam. Ininzi, ndiyamangaliswa yindlela endiziva ndedwa ngayo.

Andinalwazi lokuba siza kuphinda sibuyele ekubeni ngabahlobo. Yonke into itshintshiwe. UMartin ucacisile xa umntu oxhomekekileyo efunda ukuseta imida, abasenakuphinda batyiwe ziingxaki zomnye umntu. Ngenxa yoko, ulwalathiso lonke lobuhlobo luyatshintsha.

Ndisafunda ukunamathela kwimida yam, kwaye ndide ndiqiniseke ukuba andizukuphinda ndibuyele kwiindlela zam zokuziphatha ezindala, ndiyakulumkela ukufikelela nokuthetha nomhlobo wam.

UMariya Karimjee ngumbhali ozimeleyo osekwe kwisiXeko saseNew York. Ngoku usebenza kwimemo kunye noSpiegel noGrau.