Indlela Enditya Ngayo Ibindenza Ndawuthiya Umzimba Wam. Ukukhulelwa kundincede ndayithanda

Umxholo

• Akukho nto yayifana neyangaphambili

Uthando endandiluva lusana lwam lwandinceda ukuba ndizihloniphe kwaye ndizithande ngendlela endandingakwazi phambi kokukhulelwa.

Ndikhe ndaziqhwaba ebusweni ngaphambili. Ndiye ndakhwaza esipilini, “ndiyakonyanya!” Ndiye ndazilambisa ndazirhorha. Ndiye ndanxila ndadlulela kwinqanaba lokudlulela ndaza ndadodobalisa ubutyobo bokungabi nto yanto.

Nokuba "sempilweni" yam, bekuhlala kukho ukungathandi kunye nokungathembani nomntu endizombona esipilini. Ihlala iyinxalenye endifuna ukuyilungisa okanye ukuyitshintsha. Into endifuna ukuyilawula.

Kodwa emva koko kwavela imigca emibini epinki kwintonga encinci yeplastiki kwaza kwatshintsha yonke into.

Ngokukhawuleza isisu ndiza kusitsala njenge-taffy kunye nefotoshop kwimifanekiso yayiphethe umntu.

Iikhalori endizakuzibala ndize ndizithintele yayingengawo amanani endandifuna ukuwaqhekeza, kodwa axhasa ubomi. Kwaye okokuqala ebomini bam bonke, ndandifuna ukuba umzimba wam ukhule ube mkhulu - kuba ibubungqina bokuba usana lwam luyakhula kwaye lusempilweni.

Nangona ndayeka ukutya ngokungxama kunye nokuzinkcinkca kunye nokucoca kwiminyaka eyadlulayo, ukutya kwengqondo okungahambi kakuhle kuhlala kunjalo. Ndiza kuhlala ndisithi, ‘kanye ukuba anorexic, uhlala eyi-anorexic’ njengoko iphuma kwindlela endibuphila ngayo ubomi bam: Indlela endilawula ngayo yonke into endiyenzayo ndiyifaka emzimbeni wam. Indlela endifuna ngayo ukukhululwa, kuphela kufuneka ndilawule nangakumbi kwelinye icala.

Ngumjikelo odinisayo.

Mhlawumbi kungenxa yeso sizathu sokuba ndizithintele kwaye ndizibambe, bendineziqendu zokuphuma kulawulo. Ukuziphatha kwam ngokungathandekiyo kuthintelo kunye nokuba ngqwabalala kuhlala kuzisithelisa isenzo sam sobundlobongela kunye nemvukelo.

Nokuba ndizame kangakanani ukuyikrwitsha, bekusoloko kukho indawo ethile kum ekhwaza ukutya, umoya, uthando, inkululeko.

Ndandisoyika ukuba ukukhulelwa kuya kwenza ntoni emzimbeni wam kunye nokutya. Ngaba ingalivusa irhamncwa kwaye indithumele kumoya ongezantsi? Ngaba ndiza kuzuza kwaye ndizuze ngokushiya ngokungakhathali?

Yaziva ngathi yeyona nto ingalawulekiyo endinokuyiqala. Omnye ongaphakathi kum ebiza izithonga.

Kodwa kukho into eyenzekileyo xa ndibona loo migca mibini.

Xa ndandiqala ukuziva inkinki yokuqala yeminqweno kunye nokungaxhamli, xa ndandiqala ukuziva ndidiniwe ukuya kwinqanaba lokudibana, kunye nesicaphucaphu ngokungathi ndiphumele elwandle, endaweni yokungahoyi imiqondiso yomzimba wam njengoko ndandiphantse ubomi bam bonke, mna ndibamamele ngendlela endingazange ndibenayo ngaphambili.

Akukho nto yayifana neyangaphambili

Ndingayondla indlala yam eyoyikisayo, nokuba oko kuthetha ukutya izinto endingenakuziqonda ngaphambili. Kwaye uhloniphe ukubuyela kwam, nokuba babandakanye imifuno yam endiyithandayo.

Ndiza kuzivumela ukuba nditsibe ukusebenza ngaphandle okanye ndikuthathe lula xa ndisenza, nanjengoko iblukhwe yam yayiqina. Ndimamele umzimba wam. Ndimamele, kuba bendisazi ukuba iziteki zitshintshile.

Kwakungasekho kum kuphela endandikukhathalela. Le yayiyeyomntwana.

Ukwazi ukuba ndenza oku ngenjongo yokulungiselela usapho lwethu kwandinika amandla okujamelana noloyiko ebendingenakulinga ukulujonga iminyaka. Ngokwesiqhelo ndenza umyeni wam asifihle isikali, kodwa ndikhethe ukungasamkeli isicelo sikagqirha sokuba ndijike kubunzima bam.

Hayi, endaweni yoko ndikhethe ukujonga amanani esweni, ndiwajongile enyuka ngokukhawuleza ukuya kumanani endingazange ndawabona.

Ndikhethe ukuphakamisa ihempe yam veki nganye kwaye ndithathe umfanekiso wesisu sam, nangona kwiinyanga nje ezimbalwa phambi kokuba ndizame ukucima bonke ubungqina besisu ngeebhulukhwe ezinqeni eziphezulu kunye nee-engile zekhamera ezikhethwe ngononophelo.

Apho ndakhe ndanoyika olu tshintsho, ndaqala ukubamkela. Bafuna, nkqu.

Kwaye ndiye ndafunda ukuba ngokumamela nje umzimba wam, unokwenza kanye le nto kufuneka uyenzile. Iyakufumana into eyifunayo, kwaye ikhule apho ifuneka khona. Eyona nto ibaluleke kakhulu, iyakundikhathalela nencinci.

Ndiqale ndafunda ukuba ngokuyeka ukuzama ukulawula umzimba wam, ndingazithemba.

USarah Ezrin ngumkhuthazi, umbhali, utitshala weyoga kunye nomqeqeshi katitshala weyoga. Ngokusekwe eSan Francisco, apho ahlala khona nomyeni wakhe kunye nenja yabo, uSara utshintsha umhlaba, efundisa ukuzithanda kumntu omnye ngexesha. Ngolwazi oluthe kratya ngoSarah ndwendwela iwebhusayithi, www.samzlongoza.com.