Isikhokelo saBaqalayo kuBudlelwane obuVulekileyo

Umxholo

• Buyintoni kanye kanye ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo?
• Ngaba yinto efanayo ne-polyamory?
• Kananjalo ayisiyonto inye njengokukhohlisa
• Yintoni inqaku?
• Wazi njani ukuba ilungile kuwe?
• Ngaba zikhona izibonelelo kulwalamano oluvulekileyo?
• Ngaba kukho naziphi na iingxaki ezinokuqwalaselwa?
• Ungayinyusa njani iqabane lakho langoku?
• Uyibeka njani imithetho?
• Yeyiphi imida yeemvakalelo omele uyiqwalasele?
• Yeyiphi imida yomzimba kunye neyesondo ekufuneka uyiqwalasele?
• Kukangaphi kufuneka ungene kunye neqabane lakho eliphambili malunga nemida?
• Uyizisa njani imeko yakho yobudlelwane kulowo uza kuba liqabane lakho lesibini?
• Ngaba ibalulekile ukuba iqabane lakho lesibini linomfazi omnye okanye li-polyamorous?
• Ngaba kufuneka ungene kunye neqabane lakho lesibini, nalo?
• Ungafunda phi ngaphezulu?

Sibandakanya iimveliso esicinga ukuba ziluncedo kubafundi bethu. Ukuba uthenga amakhonkco kweli phepha, sinokufumana ikhomishini encinci. Nantsi inkqubo yethu.

Iibhari, iingqondo, iingqayi zebhotolo yamandongomane. Kunikiwe ukuba ezi zinto zivulekile kakhulu. Ewe, uninzi lwabantu abangaboniyo banokuphikisana nobudlelwane babo bakuluhlu.

Buyintoni kanye kanye ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo?

Kuxhomekeka ekubeni ngubani ophendulayo. Zimbini iinkcazo.

Eyokuqala ithi "ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo" ligama lesambrela elihlanganisa zonke ezinye iindlela ze-nonmonogamy, ezinje nge-monogam-ish, swingers, kunye ne-polyamory.

Umbono kukuba iindlela zokutshata nomntu ongatshatanga naye zivaliwe, kwaye zonke iintlobo zobudlelwane obungenagama zivulekile.

Inkcazo yesibini (kwaye eqhelekileyo), ithi ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo zezi Nye Uhlobo lobudlelwane obungenakucamngca phantsi kwe-Ethical Nonmonogamous ambrela.

Apha, ngesiqhelo, ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo kucingelwa ukuba benzeka phakathi kwabantu ababini kubudlelwane obuphambili abavumelekileyo ukuvula ubudlelwane babo ngokwesondo- kodwa hayi ngezothando.

Ke, ngelixa "ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo" buhlala bucebisa ukuba ubudlelwane bukhona ngaphandle komntu omnye yinto yam yonke into (aka monogamy), ukufumanisa ngokuchanekileyo umntu uthetha ntoni ngayo, kuya kufuneka ubuze.

Ngaba yinto efanayo ne-polyamory?

I-LGBTQ efundisa ngesondo ngobubele kunye nesayikholojisti enelayisensi uLiz Powell, PsyD, umbhali we "Ukwakha Ubuhlobo obuVulekileyo: Isikhokelo sakho seZandla-kwiSwinging, Polyamory, & Beyond" inika le ngcaciso ye-polyamory:

"I-Polyamory yinkcubeko, okanye umnqweno wokuba nolwalamano kunye / okanye nolwalamano olusenyongweni nabantu abangaphezulu komnye ngexesha, ngemvume yabo bonke abantu ababandakanyekayo."

Ke, i-polyamory ayifani. Ngelixa ubudlelwane obunothando nothando nabantu abangaphezulu komnye bunjalo ngokucacileyo kuvunyelwe kwi-polyamory, ayisiyiyo imeko kubudlelwane obuvulekileyo.

Umntu ofundisa ngesondo uDavia Frost uphawula ukuba abantu abenza izinto ngeplamu bayayibona njengenxalenye yesazisi sabo, kufana nokuba abanye abantu bayabona ukuba ngamadoda athandana namanye.

Ngokwesiqhelo, abantu kubudlelwane obuvulekileyo abaziva ngathi ulwalamano lwabo lwangoku (aka nonmonogamy) luyinxalenye enzima yokuba bangobani.

Kananjalo ayisiyonto inye njengokukhohlisa

Abantu kubudlelwane obuvulekileyo bane isivumelwano ukuba neentlobano zesini okanye ubudlelwane beemvakalelo nabanye abantu KULUNGILE.

Kwaye xa ukukhohlisa kuthathwa njengokuziphatha gwenxa, ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo- xa benziwe ngokuchanekileyo- bunokuziphatha ngokwemvelo.

Yintoni inqaku?

Akukho ngongoma. Ngokubanzi, abantu bangena kubudlelwane obuvulekileyo kuba becinga ukuba izakubazisela ulonwabo, uvuyo, uthando, ukoneliseka, ii-orgasms, ukonwaba, okanye indibaniselwano yezo.

Izizathu onokuthi uqwalasele ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo:

• Wena neqabane lakho nobabini ninothando oluninzi lokunika kwaye nikholelwe ukuba ninokuthanda ngaphezulu komntu omnye ngexesha elinye.
• Ufuna ukuphonononga isini sakho okanye ubudlelwane bezesondo nomntu wesini esahlukileyo.
• Wena neqabane lakho ninetyala elingafaniyo libidos.
• Elinye iqabane li-asexual kwaye alinamdla kwisini, kwaye elinye lingathanda ukulala ngesondo.
• Elinye iqabane linekink ethile okanye intelekelelo abafuna ukuyihlola enye engenamdla kuyo.
• Ukubona (okanye ukuva malunga) neqabane lakho elabelana ngesondo nomnye umntu likujikela, okanye kungenjalo.

Wazi njani ukuba ilungile kuwe?

Ngelishwa, ukumisela ukuba ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo bulungele wena (okanye ulungele wena neqabane lakho) akukho lula njengokuthatha ikhweshine ekwi-Intanethi kwaye uthathe iimpendulo ngokobungakanani bobuso.

• Qala ngokuchonga ukuba kutheni utshatile kwaye kuthetha ntoni kuwe. Yeyiphi imiyalezo yokufumana umfazi omnye oyifumene ukhula?
• Idilesi ukuba okanye kutheni unomdla wokuvula ulwalamano lwakho. Ngaba kungenxa yokuba uphuhlise iimvakalelo zomnye umntu kwaye ungathanda ukwenza kubo? Ngaba kungenxa yokuba wena okanye iqabane lakho uneemfuno ezininzi ezinokuhlangatyezwa ngcono ngumntu ongaphezulu komnye?
• Ngoku vumela ukuba ucinge ukuba ubomi bakho bebunokubonakala njani ukuba ubunobudlelwane obuvulekileyo. Fumana iinkcukacha. Uzohlala phi? Ngaba kuya kubakho abantwana? Ngaba iqabane lakho liya kuba nawo amanye amaqabane? Zeziphi iintlobo zesini oza kuzihlola? Luhlobo luni lothando? Ngaba le fantasy ikwenza uzive njani?
• Emva koko, funda ngakumbi malunga ne-nonmonogamy yokuziphatha. Qala ngokufunda malunga nobudlelwane obuvulekileyo kunye noncwadi lwe-polyamorous (ngakumbi koku kungezantsi), ukuya kumaqela e-MeetUp ye-polyamorous, kwaye ulandele abantu abenza i-nonmonogamy okanye i-polyamory yokuziphatha kwi-Instagram nakwi-Twitter.

Ngaba zikhona izibonelelo kulwalamano oluvulekileyo?

Sihogo yeah! Kukho isizathu esingaphezu kwesinye sesihlanu sabantu esiye okanye sikunye.

Kwenye, oko (ngesiqhelo) kuthetha isini ngakumbi!

"Ndiyakuthanda ukungabinamadoda kuba ndingumntu othanda izinto ezintsha kunye nokuhlola," utshilo uPowell. "Ndiyifumana ngokuhlala nabantu abaninzi kangangoko ndifuna."

Wongeza ngelithi: "Ndinamandla okunyanzela - oluyolo lonwabo lomnye umntu-ke ukubona amaqabane am ezalisekile ngokwesondo kwaye onwabile kuyandonwabisa."

Umtshato onelayisensi kunye nonyango losapho u-Dana McNeil, MA, LMFT, umseki we-Relationship Place eSan Diego, eCalifornia, ubiza ukuba nokuba ekugqibeleni ugqibela ukuvala ubudlelwane, ukuziqhelanisa nokuziphatha nonmonogamy kunceda abantu ngabanye ukuphucula izakhono zabo ekusombululeni iingxaki, unxibelelwano , kunye nokwenza nokubamba imida.

"Ihlala inyanzela abantu ukuba bachonge ngokwenene ukuba yeyiphi iminqweno neemfuno zabo," utshilo uMcNeil.

Ngaba kukho naziphi na iingxaki ezinokuqwalaselwa?

Akukho zintsilelo kubudlelwane obuvulekileyo, ngokwe-se, zizizathu eziphosakeleyo kuphela zokungena kubudlelwane obuvulekileyo.

"Ukungabinamfazi kunokunyusa imicimbi yobuqu kunye nemiba kulwalamano," utshilo uPowell.

Wongeza ngelithi: "Ukuba awulunganga kunxibelelwano, kufuneka unxibelelane ngokunzulu kwaye nabantu abaninzi ngezihloko ezininzi kuzakukunika amathuba amaninzi okuba neziphumo ngenxa yoko."

Kwale mbono inye iyasebenza ukuba uhlala unganyanisekanga, ulawula abanye, unomona okanye uzicingela wedwa. Endaweni yokuba omnye umntu afumane iziphumo zokuziphatha, uninzi luya kuchaphazeleka.

"I-nonmonogamy ayizukulungisa ubudlelwane kunye nesiseko esingazinzanga," utshilo uPowell. Ke ukuba kungenxa yeso sizathu sokuba uvule ubudlelwane, kuya kuphumela ekwahlukaneni.

Ungayinyusa njani iqabane lakho langoku?

Awuzami "ukukholisa" iqabane lakho ukuba libe nolwalamano oluvulekileyo.

Qala ngegama elithi "Ndi" emva koko ukhokele kumbuzo, umzekelo:

• "Kudala ndifunda malunga nobudlelwane obuvulekileyo, kwaye ndicinga ukuba inokuba yinto endifuna ukuyizama. Ngaba ungavuma ukuba uthethe ngokuvula ubudlelwane bethu? ”
• Kudala ndicinga ngokulala nabanye abantu, kwaye ndicinga ukuba ndingafuna ukukuphonononga oko. Ungakhe ujonge ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo? ”
• “Ndicinga ukuba kungatshisa kakhulu ukubukela omnye umntu uhamba nawe. Ngaba unganomdla wokumema umntu omnye kwigumbi lokulala? ”
• "I-libido yam isezantsi kakhulu ukusukela oko [faka iyeza apha], kwaye bendicinga ngento evula ubudlelwane bethu ukuze ufumane ezinye iimfuno zakho zesondo kunye nezinto ozifunayo kwenye indawo ezinokuba kuthi. Ngaba ucinga ukuba le yinto esinokuthetha ngayo? ”

Ukuba ngenene ufuna ukuba kubudlelwane obuvulekileyo kwaye iqabane lakho livale ngokupheleleyo umbono, inokuba kukungangqinelani okungaphaya.

"Ekugqibeleni, ukuba ngumntu omnye kuphela kubudlelwane obukade ufuna ukuvula olo lwalamano luvulekile, kungafuneka niqhawule umtshato," utshilo uMcNeil.

Uyibeka njani imithetho?

Ukungangqinelani: Lo ngumbuzo ongalunganga.

Ukuqonda ukuba kutheni, kufuneka uqonde umahluko phakathi kwemida, izivumelwano kunye nemithetho.

“Umda umalunga nesiqu sakho. Intliziyo yakho, ixesha, ingqondo, umzimba, utshilo uPowell.

Ke, unokuba nomda malunga nokungadibani namanzi kumntu odibene nolwelo komnye umntu.

Awunakho ukufumana umda ujikeleze umntu olala naye, indlela ababelana ngayo ngesondo, nokuba bayayisebenzisa imiqobo.

"Umda ubeka uxanduva kuthi, endaweni yeqabane lakho," ucacisa uPowell. "Ixhotyiswe ngakumbi."

Izivumelwano zinokuphinda kuthethathethwane ngazo nawuphina umntu athe waziphumeza.

“Ukuba mna neqabane lam sinesivumelwano sokuba sihlala sisebenzisa amadama amazinyo, iikhondom kunye neiglavu namanye amaqabane ethu, kodwa ke iqabane lam kunye nomnye wamaqabane bafuna ukuya kungasebenzisi miqobo, sobathathu singahlala phantsi Phinda usibhale isivumelwano kunye ukuze sonwabe sonke, ”ucacisa watsho uPowell.

Izivumelwano yindlela enovelwano ngakumbi nexabisekileyo kwizibini ezijonge ukongeza iqabane lesithathu kubudlelwane babo bezesondo okanye obothando.

Rhoqo eyesithathu (ngamanye amaxesha ibizwa ngokuba yi "unicorn") iimvakalelo, iminqweno, iimfuno, kunye neemfuno ziphathwa njengezingabalulekanga kunezibini ezitshatileyo. Izivumelwano zibaphatha ngakumbi njengabantu abangabo kunokuba, yithi, imigaqo.

"Imithetho yinto eyenziwa ngabantu ababini nangaphezulu echaphazela abo babangqongileyo, kodwa abo babangqongileyo abafumani lizwi," ucacisa uPowell.

Ngokubanzi, "imigaqo" yimizamo yokulawula indlela esiziphatha ngayo neemvakalelo zeqabane lethu.

"Umnqweno wokwenza imithetho uhlala uvela kwisimo sodwa esisixelela ukuba iqabane lethu alikwazi ukuthanda ngaphezulu komntu omnye, okanye liza kusishiya ukuba lifumene umntu 'ongcono," utshilo uPowell.

Nangona uninzi lwabantu abatsha kwi-nonmonogamy bahlala befuna ukusondela kuyo kwindawo esekwe kwimithetho, ulumkisa ngokuchasene noko.

"Ngokwesiqhelo, imithetho iphelela ekubeni ingabaniki amandla kwaye ingahambelani nokuziphatha," utshilo uPowell, esongeza ukuba ucebisa ukuqala ngemida yobuqu.

Yeyiphi imida yeemvakalelo omele uyiqwalasele?

Xa umxholo we iimvakalelo iyeza, izibini zihlala zifuna ukwenza imithetho ngokungathandani nomntu, utshilo uPowell.

Ezo zicwangciso zengqondo zithanda njengesixhobo esinomda kwaye ekugqibeleni zikusete ukusilela.

"Nokuba ungazazi kangakanani, awunakukwazi ukuba uza kuwa kubani," utshilo.

Endaweni yokuseta akukho Iimvakalelo zivunyelwe umthetho, uPowell ucebisa ukuba ungene ngaphakathi kwaye uzibuze:

• Ndilubonisa njani uthando? Ndiyifumana njani?
• Kukangaphi ndifuna ukubona iqabane lam liziva lixabisekile? Ndifuna ukulaba njani ixesha lam? Ndifuna ixesha elingakanani ndedwa?
• Loluphi ulwazi endifuna ukulwazi? Ndifuna ukwabelana njani?
• Ndabelana nabani ngendawo kwaye phantsi kwaziphi iimeko?
• Ngawaphi amagama endikhululekile ukuwasebenzisa ukumakisha ubudlelwane bam nabanye?

Yeyiphi imida yomzimba kunye neyesondo ekufuneka uyiqwalasele?

Imida eqhelekileyo yomzimba kunye neyesondo ijolise kulawulo lomngcipheko wesini, zeziphi izenzo zesondo ezikwi- okanye ezingavumelekanga, kwaye ukuba / nini / ubonakalisa njani uthando.

Umzekelo:

• Ngubani oza kundichukumisa kwaye phi? Ngaba zikhona iintlobo zokuchukumisa andifuni ukuzinika? Njani malunga nokwamkela?
• Ndiza kuvavanywa kangaphi, loluphi uvavanyo endiza kulwenza? Ndiza kuthatha i-PrEp?
• Ngubani, nini, kwaye zeziphi izenzo endiza kuzisebenzisa ngeendlela zokuthintela?
• Ndiza kuthetha nini nabantu malunga nokuba bavavanywe kutsha nje, kwaye ziziphi iindlela zabo ezikhuselekileyo zokwabelana ngesondo ukusukela ngoko?
• Ziya kusetyenziswa njani izinto zam zokudlala / zabelwane / zicocwe?
• Ndiphi ukonwaba xa ndabelana ngesondo?
• Ithetha ntoni iPDA kum? Ndikhululekile ukuba ndiphila phakathi kwabantu?

Kukangaphi kufuneka ungene kunye neqabane lakho eliphambili malunga nemida?

Awufuni ukuwela kumgibe wokuqhubekeka ubudlelwane bakho (s) ngaphezulu kunokuba uhlala (kubo), kodwa ngokufanelekileyo uya kuba nokungena rhoqo.

Unokuqala ngokuqeshwa okumileyo kwaye ukwenze kube ngaphantsi rhoqo njengoko ungena kwi-swing (heh) yezinto.

Uyizisa njani imeko yakho yobudlelwane kulowo uza kuba liqabane lakho lesibini?

Ngokukhawuleza.

"Ukuba yinto enamacala amaninzi kunokuba sisaphuli-mthetho kubo, kwaye ukuba bodwa bodwa kungangumgqithi wesivumelwano kuwe, ke kuya kufuneka ubonakale," utshilo uPowell.

Ezinye iitemplate zokuboleka:

• "Phambi kokuba sizimisele, ndiyathanda ukwabelana nabanye ukuba ngoku ndikubudlelwane obuvulekileyo, into ethetha ukuba ngelixa ndingathandana nje ngaphandle komtshato wam, ndinomntu endithandana naye."
• “Ndifuna ukukwazisa ukuba andinamtshato kwaye ndiyakonwabela ukuthandana nabantu abaninzi ngaxeshanye. Ngaba ekugqibeleni ujonge ukuba nolwalamano olukhethekileyo? ”
• “Ndifuna ukukwazisa ukuba ndithandana ngaphandle komtshato kwaye andikhangeli ubudlelwane obukhethekileyo. Uziva njani ngokuthandana nabantu abaninzi ngaxeshanye, okanye ukuthandana nomntu othandana nabantu abaninzi ngaxeshanye? ”

Ukuba u-intanethi uthandana, uMcNeil ucebisa ukuba uyibeke apho kwiprofayili yakho.

Ngaba ibalulekile ukuba iqabane lakho lesibini linomfazi omnye okanye li-polyamorous?

Kukho iindlela ezahlukeneyo zokunxibelelana kwelinye icala, okwaziwa ngokuba yi-mono-poly hybrid ubudlelwane.

Kwezinye ubudlelwane, ngenxa yokuzibandakanya kwezesondo, i-libido, umdla, njalo njalo, esi sibini siyavuma ukuvula ubudlelwane ngenjongo yokuba inye kuphela yamaqabane (aqhelekileyo aphambili) "enza" ngokungathandani.

Ngamanye amaxesha, umntu ochonga njengomntu omnye kuphela unokukhetha ukuthandana nomntu onobupolitika.

Ke impendulo: "Hayi," utsho uMcNeil. "[Kodwa] wonke umntu ufuna ukwaziswa ukuba lo mntu uthandanayo uthandana ngokuchanekileyo ukusuka kwilulwane."

"Oku kuvumela omnye umntu ukuba athathe isigqibo esichazekileyo malunga nokuba bafuna ukuba yinxalenye yobudlelwane obuvulekileyo okanye hayi."

Ngaba kufuneka ungene kunye neqabane lakho lesibini, nalo?

Ngentsingiselo, ngaba kufanelekile ukuba uqiniseke ukuba iqabane lakho lesibini liyakonwabela ukunxibelelana nawe? Kwaye uziva uhlonitshwa kwaye ukhathalelwe? Ngokucacileyo.

Nokuba ucwangcise ukungena ngokusemthethweni kuxhomekeke kuwe. Nokuba ungathini na ulwalamano lwakho, wena ukubayyy Ndifuna ukuba namandla apho onke amaqela azive ekhululekile ukunxibelelana neemfuno zawo kunye neemfuno kunye nokusombulula iimfuno ezingafezekiswanga okanye iimfuno.

Ungafunda phi ngaphezulu?

Akufanele ulindele ukuba abahlobo bakho bavule ubudlelwane bokubamba isandla sakho kuyo yonke inkqubo yokuvula ubudlelwane bakho ( * ukukhwehlela * umsebenzi wezemvakalelo * ukukhwehlela *).

Ukuba unabahlobo abenza i-nonmonogamy, uncokola nabo malunga nokuba kujongeka njani kubo, indlela abazenzele ngayo imida yabo, kunye nendlela abaphatha ngayo umona kunokuba luncedo.

Iincwadi ezidumileyo kubudlelwane obuvulekileyo zibandakanya:

• “Ukwakha Ubuhlobo Obuqhelekileyo”
• “Ngaphezu Kwababini”
• “Isilayidi Sokuziphatha”
• "Ukuvula: Isikhokelo sokwenza kunye nokugcina ubudlelwane obuVulekileyo"

Ungajonga ezinye (simahla!) Izixhobo ezinje:

• AMAmPoly.net
• Inqaku likaDean Spade "Kubathandi kunye nokulwa"
• PolyInfo.org

Amanqaku afana nalawa ufundayo (molo!), Esi sikhokelo kwi-polyamory, kwaye esi sidibanisa ulwelo, zizibonelelo ezilungileyo, nazo.

UGabrielle Kassel ngumbhali wezesondo kunye nowezempilo waseNew York kunye noMqeqeshi oMgangatho weCrossFit. Uye wangumntu wakusasa, wavavanywa ngaphezulu kwe-200 vibrators, watya, wanxila, wahlanjwa ngamalahle- konke egameni lobuntatheli. Ngexesha lakhe lokuphumla, unokufunyanwa efunda iincwadi zokuzinceda kunye neenoveli zothando, ukucofa ibhentshi, okanye ukungqungqa. Mlandele kwi-Instagram.