Ingcali yezoBudlelwane iyalinganisa kwi-'Spark 'vs.' Ukujonga ingxoxo yeebhokisi

Umxholo

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"Undifanela iibhokisi ezininzi, kwaye iyandonwabisa ngokwenene, kwaye ndiziva ndikhululekile xa ndikunye nawe, kodwa kukho le ntlantsi ebendiyifuna kwaye andiqinisekanga ukuba isekhona na."

Ukhe uweve la mazwi oyikisayo evela kwiqabane elinokubakho? NgoMvulo wentlawulo ye Bachelor eParadesi, ababukeli babukele njengomntu okhuphisana naye uJessenia Cruz awatsho loo mazwi kwithemba lothando u-Ivan Hall. "Ke yintoni ebaluleke ngakumbi kuwe, yintlantsi okanye iibhokisi?" IHolo yabuza uCruz. Impendulo yakhe: "Intlantsi ayiyonto enokunyanzelwa." (Bona: Izifundo zoBudlelwane ezi-6 onokuzifunda kwiBachelor eParadesi)

Ngaphaya kweqamza oko IparadesiNangona kunjalo, usenokuzibuza: yeyiphi eyona nto ibaluleke kakhulu xa ujonge iqabane, "ujonga iibhokisi" okanye "yintlantsi?" Ngumbuzo abaninzi abaye bawela kuzo kwiihambo zabo zokuthandana, kwaye isenokungabi yinto yokubini njengoko kubonakala ngathi. Njengokwabelana ngesondo, ubudlelwane, kunye nonyango lwempilo yengqondo-singasathethi ke Isidanga aficionado - nantsi into endiyithathayo ngalo mba.

Okokuqala, masithethe ngezo bhokisi. Zingangumfuziselo wezinto ezahlukeneyo ezichaphazela wena kunye nolwalamano lwakho. Umzekelo, kwisiqendu sangoMvulo sika Isidanga eParadesi, Umncintiswano uJoe Amabile wabelane ngomdla wakhe wothando, uSerena Pitt, ukuba yena kunye nentombi yakhe yeminyaka emibini, uKendall Long, baqhawule ngenxa yokuba wayefuna ukuhlala kufuphi nabathandekayo baseChicago ngelixa wayefuna okufanayo kodwa eLos Angeles. Ukuba nokuqonda ekwabelwana ngako malunga nokukhetha okukhulu kobomi, njengendawo yokubeka iingcambu, kubalulekile ukuba ukhangele, njengoko kubalulekile kubudlelwane obonwabileyo nobusempilweni.

Ezinye iibhokisi abantu bafuna ukukhangela ukungqinelana nenkolo, izimvo zopolitiko, iimali, isini, indlela yokuphila, nabantwana, phakathi kwabanye. Ezi zizinto abanye abanokuthi babhekise kuzo njengezikhulu ephepheni. Zizinto ezixabisekileyo kunye neendlela zokubona nokusebenza kwihlabathi. Umzekelo, ukuba umntu ulangazelela iqabane elinamabhongo kwaye okwangoku utyumza umntu okhululekile ekusebenzeni kwakuloo msebenzi ubomi babo bonke, kunokuba yibhokisi engakhange ihlolwe. Ibhokisi nganye nganye iyinxalenye ye "package yonke" oyikhangelayo. Akukho fomula yezibalo ikuxelela ukuba zeziphi iibhokisi, yintoni eyenza ibhokisi ukuba itshekishwe, okanye nokuba zingaphi iibhokisi ekufuneka zitshekishwe ukuze uthathele ingqalelo umntu ofanelekileyo - kuya kufuneka uzenzele isigqibo ngokwakho. (Idibeneyo: Kubaluleke kangakanani ukuThatheka okuBonwayo kubuDlelwane?)

Kwaye kuthekani "ngentlantsi?" Oko, ngokuyinyani, enye indlela yokuthetha "ikhemistri" - ngokukodwa ikhemistri yesondo okanye yothando. I-FYI, kukho iindidi ezahlukeneyo zekhemistri onokuzifumana nabantu. Umzekelo, unokuba ubalaseleyo uyilo chemistry nomntu omnye kunye ne-steamy ngokwesondo chemistry nomnye umntu. Igama elithi chemistry ngokwenene lichaza nje ukusabela kweekhemikhali kwingqondo ethi kuwe: "Masichithe ixesha elininzi kunye nalo mntu."

Kukho inzululwazi emva kwezi mvakalelo, nayo. Uthando lothando kunye nomtsalane wesondo unokubonwa ngokwekhemikhali engqondweni. Uthando lwezithandani lunokwahlulwa lube ngamanqanaba amathathu: inkanuko, umtsalane, kunye nokuncamathisela, kwaye nganye yezo ndidi ineseti yazo yamadlala akhutshwa kwingqondo ukwenza ukuba "isigaba" eso senzeke, ngokophando oluvela kwiYunivesithi yaseRutgers.

Iisigaba senkanuko ibonakala ngesondo kunye nehomoni yokuzala i-estrogen kunye ne-testosterone. Eli nqanaba liqhutywa ikakhulu ngumnqweno wokwanelisa ngokwesondo, kunye nokuqhutywa kwendaleko yokuvelisa kwakhona, ngokophando. Ngokwenyani, ewe, inkanuko imalunga nokufuna isondo.

I isigaba somtsalane (cinga ngayo njenge "sigaba sasebusuku"), igcwele i-dopamine (i-neurotransmitter enxulunyaniswa nolonwabo), i-norepinephrin (enye ye-neurotransmitter enceda umzimba uphendule kuxinzelelo), kunye ne-serotonin (enye i-neurotransmitter eyaziwa ngokulawula imood yakho) . Eli lelona nqanaba uninzi lwabantu lunokwenzeka kwakanye ukuba "bakhethe" iqabane Isidanga eParadesi.

I isigaba sokuncamathela Ibandakanya iikhemikhali ezahlukeneyo ebuchotsheni bakho kunokutsala umdla, ngakumbi i-oxytocin (ihomoni kunye ne-neurotransmitter eyaziwa ngokuba yi-"hormone yokudibanisa" eveliswa yi-hypothalamus inokukhutshwa ngeedosi ezinkulu ngexesha lokwabelana ngesondo) kunye ne-vasopressin (ihomoni enokonyuka ngexesha lenqanaba elibukhali. uthando).

Igama elithi 'chemistry' ngenene lichaza indlela ezisebenza ngayo izinto ezikwingqondo ethi: 'Masichithe ixesha elininzi nalo mntu.'

Ke, iikhemikhali ezikugcina kubudlelwane bexesha elide azinanto yakwenza neekhemikhali ezikutsala kwiqabane lakho ekuqaleni. Yeyona ndlela ilula yokuyithetha. Unga reyenza iimvakalelo zenkanuko kunye nokutsala umntu othile kamva kubudlelwane- kodwa akunakwenzeka ukuzenza ukuba azikho. Kwaye yintlantsi yokuba aba Isidanga eParadesi abagqatswa babonakala bethetha ngayo. (Eyeleleneyo: IBachelorette Ngaba ukufundisa abantu abaninzi ngokulayita igesi 101)

Ke, ewe, uCruz wayechanile xa esithi ikhemistri ayinakunyanzelwa. Eyona nto kukuba, abantu zizilwanyana ezintsonkothileyo, ngoko ke i-chemistry iba nzima ngakumbi: akunakwenzeka ukunyanzela i-chemistry, kodwa kunokwenzeka ukuziva chemistry ukukhula ngokwendalo apho kwakungekho ngaphambili. Wakhe wathandana nomhlobo wakho? Asinto ingaqhelekanga.

Kwaye kwicala le-flip, i-chemistry iyodwa ayonelanga kwintsebenziswano exhasayo kunye nehlala ixesha elide. Ukuze ube nobudlelwane obunempilo nobukhuselekileyo, udinga isandi "sekhaya lolwalamano," ngokwethiyori evela kwiGottman Institute, umbutho owenza uphando ngobudlelwane.Kukho "imigangatho" esixhenxe (ukwakha iimephu zothando okanye ukwazana, ukwabelana ngothando kunye nokuncoma, ukujika okanye ukunika inkxaso kwiqabane, imbono eyakhayo, ukulawula ungquzulwano, ukwenza amaphupha obomi abe yinyani, kunye nokudala intsingiselo ekwabelwana ngayo) kunye "neendonga" ezimbini (ukuzibophelela kunye nokuthembela). I-Chemistry inokukwenza uzive uqhagamshelene kakhulu nomnye umntu, kodwa ngaphandle kwesiseko sobudlelwane obuqinileyo, loo ntlantsi ayinakwanela ukuhlala ixesha elide, okanye isenokungena kwindawo enetyhefu.

Into kukuba, konke oku kunzima ukukujonga xa ukhetha iqabane Iparadesi. Kule meko ngokuthe ngqo, kubonakala ngathi ukuthanda kuya kuhlala kulawula kunxibelelwano olunomlilo olunamandla okwakha. Kanjani? Ewe, kumdlalo, abakhuphiswano kufuneka benze izigqibo ezikhawulezileyo malunga nokuba bafuna ukuba nabani. Bangasongelwa ngothando oluqhwithelayo, bajonge ngakumbi malunga nezomlilo kunonxibelelwano olunokuthi lube nzulu ngokuhamba kwexesha. (Eyeleleneyo: Ithetha ukuthini ngokwenene ukuba neKhemistri yezesondo kunye nomntu)

Ngaba u-Cruz wenza ukhetho olufanelekileyo ngoMvulo? Ukuba kukho into enye onokuthi uyisuse ekubukeni Isidanga eParadesi, kukuba awukwazi ukuthatha isigqibo somnye umntu sesona sigqibo silungileyo okanye esifanelekileyo.

Kungathatha ixesha ukubona ukuba uqhagamshela njani nomntu. Nokuba ithatha imizuzwana emithathu (njengoko uphando oluthile lukhombisile) okanye iminyaka emithathu, mamela intuition yakho kwaye wenze oko uziva ulunge kakhulu kuwe.

Inye into ekufuneka ulumke kuyo xa uzama ukungena kwimvakalelo yakho, nangona kunjalo, kukuphazamiseka okungafakwanga. Unxunguphalo olungasetyenziswanga (aka olungasombululekiyo amanxeba ngokwasengqondweni) unokuzenza ngathi "ziimvakalelo zesisu" okanye intuition. Ingqondo yakho inentambo ukuze ikugcine ukhuselekile, kwaye ngamanye amaxesha iyayichasa le nto uyifunayo. Umzekelo, ukuba uye wafumana isiganeko esibuhlungu kubudlelwane bakho bokugqibela, ingqondo yakho iza kuzama ukukuthintela ukuba ungaphindi ungene kwimeko efanayo-enokuthi iphele njengengqondo yakho ibhuqa naliphi na ithuba lobudlelwane kumzamo wokukugcina ukhuselekile. Nje ukuba ukwenzakala kwenziwe, unokuthatha amava amatsha ngengqondo eqondayo neyangoku. (Jonga: Ungasebenza kanjani ngoKonzakala, ngokweNgcali)

Ke yintoni ebaluleke ngakumbi kubudlelwane: ukukhangela iibhokisi, okanye intlantsi? Akukho mntu uphendulayo. Kuza kuwe ukuzazi ngokwaneleyo ngokwaneleyo ukuba uqonde ukuba yeyiphi inkanuko kunye nomtsalane oziva ngathi emzimbeni wakho - ungasathethi ke, ngeempawu kunye neempawu ozifuna kakhulu kwiqabane. Kufuneka ivakale ilungile, kwaye kufuneka ivakale ilungile, kodwa inokuba yingqokelela yeemvakalelo ukusuka kulonwabo ukuya koyikisa ngokupheleleyo ngaxeshanye. Okukhona uzazi wena kunye nezinto ozifunayo, kokukhona kulula ukufumanisa xa iibhokisi zakho zijongiwe, xa uziva ngathi yintlantsi, kwaye wazi ngokuthe ngqo ukuba ufuna kangakanani na ukuze uzive wanelisekile ngonxibelelwano.

URachel Wright, MA, LM.FT, (yena) ngugqirha wezengqondo onelayisensi, utitshala wezesondo kunye nengcali kwezonxibelelwano eseNew York City. Usisithethi esinamava, umququzeleli weqela, kunye nombhali. Usebenze namawakawaka abantu kwihlabathi liphela ukubanceda ukuba bakhale kancinci kwaye bajike ngakumbi.

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