Yintoni eyenza ubudlelwane obusempilweni?

Umxholo

• Ijongeka kanjani
• Unxibelelwano oluvulekileyo
• Ithemba
• Ukuziva ungumntu owahlukileyo
• Ukufuna ukwazi
• Ixesha ngaphandle
• Ukudlala okanye ukungakhathali
• Ukusondelelana ngokomzimba
• Ukusebenzisana
• Ukusonjululwa kwembambano
• Ubudlelwane obomvu
• Omnye wenu uzama ukulawula okanye ukutshintsha omnye
• Iqabane lakho alihloniphi imida yakho
• Awuchithi ixesha elininzi kunye
• Ulwalamano luziva lungalingani
• Bathetha izinto ezimbi okanye ezenzakalisayo ngawe okanye ngabanye
• Awuziva uve kulwalamano
• Uyoyika ukuveza ukungavumelani
• Awuziva wonwabile okanye ungakhululekanga xa uliqabane lakho
• Ukungavisisani okanye iingxoxo azihambi ndawo
• Imibuzo onokuzibuza yona
• Ngaba ubudlelwane bakho busempilweni?
• Iingcebiso zokwakha ubudlelwane obomeleleyo
• Wamkele iiyantlukwano zomnye nomnye
• Khawuqwalasele uluvo lwabo
• Sombulula iingxaki njengeqela
• Cela into oyifunayo, kwaye ukulungele ngokulinganayo ukumamela iminqweno yabo
• Zama into entsha kunye
• Thetha malunga neenjongo kunye namaphupha akho
• Umgca wezantsi

Ukuba unayo okanye ufuna ubudlelwane obunothando, mhlawumbi ufuna enye enempilo, akunjalo? Kodwa yintoni ubudlelwane obuphilileyo, ngokuchanekileyo?

Ewe, kuyaxhomekeka.

Ubudlelwane obuphilileyo abukhange bufane kuye wonke umntu kuba abantu baneemfuno ezahlukeneyo. Izidingo zakho ezithile malunga nonxibelelwano, isini, uthando, indawo, izinto ozithandayo kunye namaxabiso, njalo njalo zinokutshintsha kubomi bonke.

Ke, ubudlelwane obusebenzayo kwi-20s yakho abunakuba njengobuhlobo obufunayo kwi30 yakho.

Ubudlelwane obungahambelani neenkcazo zemveli ezingakumbi zobudlelwane zisenokuba sempilweni. Umzekelo, abantu abasebenzisa i-polyamory okanye i-nonmonogamy yokuziphatha banokuchaza ubudlelwane obunempilo ngokwahlukileyo kunabantu abenza i-monogamy.

Ngamafutshane, "ubudlelwane obuphilileyo" ligama elibanzi kuba into eyenza ubudlelwane buphumelele buxhomekeke kwiimfuno zabantu abakuyo.

Kodwa iimpawu ezimbalwa eziphambili ziyabonakala kubudlelwane obukhulayo.

Ijongeka kanjani

ULindsey Antin, ingcali kwezonyango eBerkeley, eKhalifoniya uthi: Bazivumelanisa neemeko kwaye inyani sihlala sitshintsha kwaye sihamba ngezigaba ezahlukeneyo ebomini.

Nanku ukukhangela kwezinye iimpawu zobudlelwane obusempilweni.

Unxibelelwano oluvulekileyo

Abalingani kubudlelwane obuphilileyo bahlala bethetha ngezinto eziqhubekayo ebomini babo: impumelelo, ukusilela kunye nayo yonke into ephakathi.

Kuya kufuneka ukhululeke ukuthetha ngayo nayiphi na imiba ethi ivele, ukusuka kwizinto ezenzeka kubomi bemihla ngemihla, umsebenzi onje okanye uxinzelelo lomhlobo, ukuya kwimiba ebaluleke kakhulu, njengeempawu zempilo yengqondo okanye iingxaki zemali.

Nokuba banoluvo olwahlukileyo, bamamela ngaphandle kokugweba kwaye babelane ngeembono zabo.

Unxibelelwano luhamba macala omabini. Kubalulekile ukuba uzive ukuba bazokuvakalisa ezabo iingxaki okanye iingcinga njengoko zisiza.

Abantu kubudlelwane obungenakucinga bodwa banokubeka ixabiso ngakumbi ekuhlolweni kweemvakalelo kunye nonxibelelwano rhoqo malunga nokwenzekayo namanye amaqabane.

Ithemba

Ukuthembela kubandakanya ukunyaniseka nokuthembeka. Awugcini zimfihlo omnye komnye. Xa uhlukene, awuzikhathazi ngokulandela abanye abantu.

Kodwa ukuthembela kudlulela ngaphaya kokukholelwa ukuba abayi kukuqhatha okanye baxoke kuwe.

Ikwathetha ukuba uzive ukhuselekile kwaye ukhululekile xa unabo kwaye uyazi ukuba abayi kukwenzakalisa emzimbeni okanye emphefumlweni. Uyazi ukuba banomdla kuwe kodwa bayakuhlonipha ngokwaneleyo ukuba bakukhuthaze ukuba uzikhethele.

Ukuziva ungumntu owahlukileyo

Ubudlelwane obuphilileyo buchazwa ngcono njengokuxhomekeka komnye komnye. Ukuxhomekeka kuthetha ukuba uthembele omnye komnye kwinkxaso efanayo kodwa uqhubeke nobuntu bakho njengomntu owahlukileyo.

Ngamanye amagama, ubudlelwane bakho bulungelelene. Uyazi ukuba unemvume kunye nothando, kodwa ukuzithemba kwakho akuxhomekekanga kubo.Nangona ulapho omnye nomnye, awuxhomekekanga komnye nomnye ukuze ufumane zonke iimfuno zakho.

Usenabahlobo kunye nokunxibelelana ngaphandle kobudlelwane kwaye uchitha ixesha usukela izinto onomdla kuzo kunye nezinto ozithandayo.

Ukufuna ukwazi

Olunye uphawu oluphambili lothando olusempilweni, kunye nexesha elide kukufuna ukwazi.

Oku kuthetha ukuba unomdla kwiingcinga zabo, iinjongo, kunye nobomi bemihla ngemihla. Ufuna ukubabukela bekhula beyona nto ibalaseleyo kubo. Awunakulungiswa ukuba babekade bekhona okanye ngubani ocinga ukuba kufuneka babe.

"Nibamba iingqondo eziguqukayo malunga nomnye," wongeza uAntin.

Ukufuna ukwazi kukwathetha ukuba uzimisele ukuqaphela okanye ukuthetha malunga notshintsho kubume bobudlelwane bakho ukuba imiba yobudlelwane bakho sele ingazalisekisi kangako. Ikwabandakanya ubunyani. Uyababona ukuba bangoobani ngokwenene kwaye ubakhathalele malunga naloo mntu, hayi uhlobo olulungiselelwe bona.

Ixesha ngaphandle

Uninzi lwabantu kubudlelwane obusempilweni lubeka phambili ukuchitha ixesha kunye, nangona ixesha olichitha kunye linokwahluka ngokuxhomekeke kwiimfuno zakho, umsebenzi kunye nokunye ukuzibophelela, amalungiselelo okuhlala, njalo njalo.

Kodwa uyasibona isidingo sendawo yakho kunye nexesha ngokwakho. Mhlawumbi uchitha eli xesha uphumla wedwa, usenza into oyithandayo, okanye ubona izihlobo okanye usapho.

Nantoni na oyenzayo, awudingi ukuchitha lonke ixesha kunye okanye ukholelwe ukuba ubudlelwane bakho buyasokola xa uchitha ixesha elithile lahlukene.

Ukudlala okanye ukungakhathali

Kubalulekile ukwenza ixesha lokuzonwabisa kunye nokuzenzela xa imeko ilungile. Ukuba ninokuqhula nihleke kunye, ngumqondiso olungileyo lowo.

Ngamanye amaxesha iingxaki zobomi okanye uxinzelelo zinokuchaphazela omnye wenu okanye nina nobabini. Oku kunokutshintsha okwethutyana ulwalamano lobudlelwane bakho kwaye kwenze kube nzima ukunxibelelana ngeendlela zakho eziqhelekileyo.

Kodwa ukukwazi ukwabelana ngamathuba alula anceda ukunciphisa uxinzelelo, nokuba ngokufutshane, komeleza ubudlelwane bakho nakumaxesha anzima.

Ukusondelelana ngokomzimba

Ukusondelelana kuhlala kubhekisa kwisini, kodwa hayi rhoqo. Ayinguye wonke umntu onwabele okanye ofuna isondo. Ulwalamano lwakho lusenokuba sempilweni ngaphandle kwalo - ukuba nobabini kwiphepha elinye malunga nokuhlangabezana neemfuno zakho.

Ukuba akukho namnye kuni onomdla wokwabelana ngesondo, ukusondelelana ngokwasemzimbeni kunokubandakanya ukuphuza, ukuwola, ukukhumbulana kunye nokulala kunye. Nokuba loluphi uhlobo lokusondelelana owabelana ngalo, ukudibanisa ngokwasemzimbeni kunye nokudibana kubalulekile.

Ukuba nobabini niyakonwabela ukwabelana ngesondo, ubudlelwane benu bomzimba buya kuba sempilweni xa:

• Zive ukhululekile ukuqala nokuthetha ngesondo
• inokujongana ngokuqinisekileyo nokwaliwa
• ingaxoxa ngeminqweno
• zive ukhuselekile ukuveza umdla wakho kwisini esingaphezulu okanye esincinci

Ukusondelelana okunempilo kubandakanya ukuhlonipha imida yesini. Oku kubandakanya:

• ungabanyanzeli abalingane bakho malunga nezesondo okanye izenzo ezithile zesondo xa besithi hayi
• ukwabelana ngolwazi malunga namanye amaqabane
• Ukuxoxa ngemingcipheko yesondo

Ukusebenzisana

Ulwalamano olomeleleyo lunokuqwalaselwa njengeqela. Nisebenza kunye kwaye niyancedana, naxa ningaboni ngasonye kwinto ethile okanye nibe neenjongo ezingafani ncam.

Ngamafutshane, ninomqolo omnye komnye. Uyazi ukuba ungajikela kubo xa usokola. Kwaye uhlala ukulungele ukunika inkxaso xa bekufuna.

Ukusonjululwa kwembambano

Ngaphandle kobudlelwane obuphilileyo, uya kuba nokungavumelani ngamanye amaxesha kwaye uzive ukhungathekile okanye unomsindo ngamanye amaxesha. Yinto eqhelekileyo leyo. Akuthethi ukuba ulwalamano lwakho alunampilo.

Into ebalulekileyo yindlela osombulula ngayo ungquzulwano. Ukuba ungathetha ngomahluko wakho ngentlonelo, ngokunyaniseka, nangentlonipho, ukwindlela elungileyo.

Abalingane abajongana nengxabano ngaphandle kokugweba okanye indelelo banokuhlala befumana isisombululo okanye isisombululo.

Ubudlelwane obomvu

Ulwalamano lwakho kufuneka lube negalelo kukuzaliseka, ukonwaba kunye nokunxibelelana. Ukuba uhlala uziva ukhathazekile, unxunguphele, okanye ungonwabanga phakathi kweqabane lakho, ubudlelwane bakho bunokuba nzima.

Iimpawu zobudlelwane obungenampilo zinokwahluka ngokubanzi, ke olu luhlu alubandakanyi konke. Kodwa inokunceda ukubonisa eminye imiba enokubakho.

Omnye wenu uzama ukulawula okanye ukutshintsha omnye

"Asinakuze silawule ukutshintsha omnye umntu," utshilo u-Antin.

Ukuba unenkxalabo malunga nokuziphatha okuthile, kuya kufuneka uzive ukhululekile ngokwaneleyo ukuba ungazisa. Kulungile ukuveza iimvakalelo zakho kwaye ubacele ukuba bacinge ngokwenza utshintsho. Kodwa akulunganga ukubaxelela ukuba mabenze ntoni okanye bazame ukulawula indlela abaziphethe ngayo.

Ukuba benza into ekukhathazayo kwaye awukwazi ukuyamkela, ulwalamano alunakuba nakho ixesha elide.

Iqabane lakho alihloniphi imida yakho

Imida inokudlala kubudlelwane bakho, ukusuka kunxibelelwano oluhloniphekileyo ukuya kwiimfuno zabucala. Ukuba ubeka umda kwaye bayityhale okanye bakucinezele ukuba uwutshintshe, yiflegi ebomvu ebomvu.

Mhlawumbi uthe, "Ndifuna indawo yobuqu xa ndibuya emsebenzini. Ndiyakuvuyela ukukubona, kodwa kufuneka ndizikhathaze ngaphambi kokuba ndithandane. ”

Kodwa bayaqhubeka nokuza kuwe kanye xa ufika ekhaya, bezama ukukuphuza kwaye bakutsalele kwigumbi lokulala. Xa usithi hayi, bayaxolisa kwaye bathi "abanako ukuzinceda."

Unokuyihlamba le nto njengophawu lothando kwaye uqhubeke uphinda umda, ngethemba lokuba baya kuyifumana ekugqibeleni. Kodwa indlela abaziphethe ngayo ibonisa ukungabi nantlonelo ngeemfuno zakho.

Awuchithi ixesha elininzi kunye

Ubudlelwane buhlala bukhula xa abantu bonwabile kunye kwaye bafuna ukuchitha ixesha elininzi kunye. Iziganeko zobomi ngamanye amaxesha zinokufumana ixesha lakho kunye, kodwa olu tshintsho luhlala lolwexeshana.

Ulwalamano lwakho lunokuba lusokola xa uhlala ubona ngaphantsi komnye ngaphandle kwesizathu esicacileyo, njengobunzima bosapho okanye uxanduva ngakumbi emsebenzini.

Ezinye iimpawu zesilumkiso zibandakanya ukuziva ukude omnye komnye okanye ukukhululeka xa ningekho kunye. Usenokude uzame ukufumana izizathu zokungafuni ukuchitha ixesha kunye.

Ulwalamano luziva lungalingani

Ubudlelwane obusempilweni buhlala bulungelelene. Unokwabelana ngokulinganayo ngemali, okanye ulungelelanise umvuzo ophantsi ngokuqhuba imisebenzi emininzi.

Kodwa ulwalamano kubudlelwane lunokunxulumana nezinto ezingaphathekiyo, ezinje ngothando, unxibelelwano, kunye nolindelo lolwalamano.

Amaxesha okungalingani kunokwenzeka amaxesha ngamaxesha. Omnye wenu unokulahlekelwa ngumvuzo wakhe okwexeshana, asokolise ekuncedeni imisebenzi yasekhaya ngenxa yokugula, okanye azive engenalo uthando ngenxa yoxinzelelo okanye olunye uxinzelelo lweemvakalelo.

Kodwa ukuba ulwalamano lwakho luhlala luziva lungalingani ngandlela zonke, oku kunokuba yingxaki.

Bathetha izinto ezimbi okanye ezenzakalisayo ngawe okanye ngabanye

Akukho nto iphosakeleyo ngokubonisa inkxalabo xa iqabane lakho lisenza into ekukhathazayo. Kodwa kubudlelwane obusempilweni, amaqabane ngokubanzi ayakhathalela ukuveza iimvakalelo zabo ngeendlela eziluncedo nezinemveliso.

Akukho mpilweni ukuhlala ugxekana omnye nomnye okanye uthethe izinto ezihlwaya ngabom, ngakumbi ukhetho lomntu, njengokutya, impahla yokunxiba, okanye iinkqubo zeTV ezikuthandayo. Ukugxekwa okukwenza uzive uneentloni okanye ungalunganga ngesiqu sakho akunamveliso.

Qaphela kwakhona indlela abathetha ngayo ngabanye. Ubudlelwane bakho omnye komnye bunokubonakala busempilweni ngokugqibeleleyo, kodwa ukuba basebenzisa intetho enentiyo, izithuko, okanye ukwenza intetho ecalucalulayo malunga nabanye, qaphela ukuba le ndlela yokuziphatha ithini ngabo njengomntu.

Awuziva uve kulwalamano

Mhlawumbi uziva ungeva kuba babonakala bengenamdla xa uzisa ingxaki okanye wabelana ngento ebisengqondweni yakho. Okanye usenokuba nobunzima ekwabelaneni ngezimvo zakho okanye ukuthetha ngemiba enzulu kuba ukhathazekile baya kukususa nje.

Unxibelelwano olungelulo lunokwenzeka, ewe. Kodwa ukuba wena yenza bathethe umba kwaye babonakala ngathi bayazamkela kodwa abenzi naluphi na utshintsho okanye babonakale belibele kwaphela ukuba ubuthetha ngantoni ngosuku olulandelayo, ikwangumqondiso osisilumkiso lowo.

Uyoyika ukuveza ukungavumelani

Abalingani kufuneka bahlale beziva bekhuselekile ukuba nezabo izimvo, nokuba oku kuthetha ukuba abavumelani. Ukuba iqabane lakho liphendula kwimbono yakho (eyahlukileyo) ngokugxotha, ukudelela, okanye obunye ubukrwada, oku kuhlala kubonisa ukuba abakuhloneli okanye bave izimvo zakho.

Ukuba ufumanisa ukuba ulawula yonke into oyithethayo kuba ukhathazeka ngendlela abasabela ngayo, okanye uziva ngathi "uhamba phezu kwamaqokobhe amaqanda" yonke imihla, njengoko u-Antin ebeka, isenokuba lixesha lokufuna uncedo lobungcali.

Ukuba woyika ukuphathwa gadalala emzimbeni okanye ngamazwi, thetha nonyango kwangoko. Unganqikazi ukufikelela kubahlobo kunye nosapho ngenkxaso eyongezelelweyo, nayo.

Awuziva wonwabile okanye ungakhululekanga xa uliqabane lakho

Kubantu abaninzi, iinjongo eziphambili zobudlelwane zibandakanya ukonwaba okwandileyo kunye nolwaneliseko lobomi. Ukuba uziva ungonwabanga okanye ungonwabanga ngalo lonke ixesha, ubudlelwane bunokungazifezekisi iimfuno zakho.

Oku kunokwenzeka nokuba nobabini nibeka iinzame kulwalamano. Abantu bayatshintsha ngokuhamba kwexesha, ke ukuziva ungonelisekanga kwaye ubanjisiwe akuthethi ukuba omnye wenu wenze nantoni na "engalunganga." Usenokuba ngabantu abahlukeneyo abangasadibani kakuhle.

Ukungavisisani okanye iingxoxo azihambi ndawo

Isisombululo sempilo esisempilweni sikhokelela kwizisombululo okanye kulungelelwaniso. Ukugcina ubudlelwane yinkqubo eqhubekayo, ke awungekhe usebenze yonke into kwangoko. Kodwa uhlala uziva wonwabile ngencoko yakho emva koko. Uhlala ubona inkqubela phambili.

Ngokuqhelekileyo ayisiyonto ilungileyo xa ufumanisa ukuba uthetha kwizangqa okanye malunga nemicimbi efanayo ngalo lonke ixesha. Mhlawumbi aluzange lubekho uphuculo, nokuba uxoxa kangakanani na ngento. Mhlawumbi ekugqibeleni baya kukuvalela ngaphandle.

Imibuzo onokuzibuza yona

Kunzima ukusebenzisa imigangatho efanayo kubo bonke ubudlelwane. Nangona kunjalo, ukuba ufuna isikhokelo malunga nokuba eyakho isempilweni, kukho izinto ezimbalwa onokuzibuza zona njengohlobo lokuzivavanya.

Ngaba ubudlelwane bakho busempilweni?

Zibuze:

• Ngaba iqabane lam liyandikhuthaza ukuba ndikhule?
• Ngaba sabelana ngeenjongo zekamva?
• Ngaba sifuna uhlobo olufanayo lobudlelwane?
• Ngaba ndingaba kunye nabo?
• Ngaba ndiyawamkela njengoko enjalo?
• Ngaba sinika kwaye sithathe omnye komnye ngokulinganayo?
• Ngaba ubomi bam bungcono kunye nabo kuyo?
• Ngaba ixesha lethu sikunye linentsingiselo?

Ukuba uphendule kakhulu ewe, ubudlelwane bakho ngokuqinisekileyo bomelele.

Iingcebiso zokwakha ubudlelwane obomeleleyo

Ukuba ezinye (okanye ezininzi) zobudlelwane iiflegi ezibomvu zabetha ekhaya, ukululekwa kwezibini kunokuba linyathelo elihle.

Unyango lwesibini malunga nabantu ababini abafika bezokusebenzela, utshilo uAntin. Ukufumana uncedo akuthethi ukuba usilele. Kuthetha ukuba ufuna ukusebenza ekuphuculeni, ngenxa yakho kunye nakwabanye.

Kodwa nolona lwalamano lusempilweni ngamanye amaxesha lunokusebenzisa umsebenzi ongezelelweyo. Nazi ezinye iingcebiso zokuqinisekisa ukuba izinto zihlala kwindawo elungileyo.

Wamkele iiyantlukwano zomnye nomnye

UAntin uthi: "Banokuba namabhongo, ngelixa ungumntu wasekhaya." "Kodwa le yinto elungileyo, kuba omnye wenu angaqalisa ukwenza imisebenzi ethile okanye aphume aye kuzonwabisa, ngelixa omnye wenu onwabele ixesha elizolileyo kwaye egcina umlilo ekhaya uvutha."

Khawuqwalasele uluvo lwabo

UAntin ucebisa ngelithi: “Yiba nomdla ngendlela abazenza ngayo nabazibona ngayo izinto endaweni yokuzama ukubona izinto ngendlela yakho.

Sombulula iingxaki njengeqela

"Sebenzani ukusombulula iingxaki, endaweni yokwenza ingxaki enye kwenye," utshilo uAntin.

Cela into oyifunayo, kwaye ukulungele ngokulinganayo ukumamela iminqweno yabo

Awunakusoloko uvuma, kodwa kulungile. Ningabantu ababini abohlukeneyo, ngapha koko. Ukukwazi ukufumana ukulungelelanisa kubalulekile.

Zama into entsha kunye

Ukuba ubudlelwane bakho bubonakala bumdaka okanye ngathi abuyi ndawo, zama ukuyisa kwenye indawo ukuze ubone ukuba kwenzeka ntoni. Utshintsho lwembonakalo maxa wambi lunokutshintsha indlela ojonga ngayo.

Thetha malunga neenjongo kunye namaphupha akho

Oku kunokukunceda uqhagamshele kwaye uqiniseke ukuba usabelana ngamathemba kunye namaxabiso afanayo.

Umgca wezantsi

Uthando ekwabelwana ngalo lwe-spelunking kunye nokuthanda omabini ukutya kwamaNdiya kunokuba kukuncedile ukuba udibane neqabane lakho, kodwa ezi zinto azinanto yokwenza nokugcina ubudlelwane bakho busempilweni ngokuhamba kwexesha.

Ekupheleni kosuku, kuya kufuneka uthembane kwaye uzive ukhuselekile kunye. Kuya kufuneka ukholelwe kumandla akho okufunda kunye nokukhula kunye.

Ukuba unenkxalabo malunga nolwalamano lwakho okanye ukholelwa ukuba alusomelele njengokuba lwalunjalo, zithembele iimvakalelo zakho kwaye uphonononge ukuba zithini na ezi mvakalelo. Umgqirha unokunceda ukubonelela ngesikhokelo sokuba umzamo ongaphezulu unokunceda nini kwaye lixesha lokuba uqhubeke.

UCrystal Raypole wayekhe wasebenza njengombhali kunye nomhleli weGoodTherapy. Amacandelo akhe anomdla abandakanya iilwimi zaseAsia kunye noncwadi, uguqulelo lwaseJapan, ukupheka, isayensi yendalo, ubungqingili besini, kunye nempilo yengqondo. Ngokukodwa, uzibophelele ekuncedeni ukunciphisa ukubekwa amabala malunga nemicimbi yezempilo yengqondo.