Le Therapist yePolyamor Ucinga ukuba umona luMangaliso oMangalisayo-Nasi isizathu

Umxholo

• Yintoni Ngokwenene Umona?
• Indlela yokujongana nomona kubudlelwane
• Inyathelo 1: Yamkela
• Inyathelo lesi-2: Cacisa
• Inyathelo 3: Nikela
• Uphengululo lwe

"Awunamona?" uhlala ungumbuzo wokuqala endiwufumanayo emva kokwabelana nomntu othile ukuba andinakutshata nomntu ongatshatanga naye. “Ewe, kunjalo,” ndiphendula ngalo lonke ixesha. Ke, ngesiqhelo, bahlala bejonge kum ngokudideka ndide ndithethe into, okanye ngokungonwabisiyo bazame ukutshintsha isihloko. Ndihlala ndizama ukubetha inguqu engathandekiyo ngokuthi, "musa wena yiba nomona?

Ukuba ukhule ubukele ama-comedies othando okanye nawuphi na umboniso owawunobudlelwane bothando kuyo, mhlawumbi wabona ikhwele liboniswa njengesenzo esingaphezu kwemvakalelo. Umzekelo: Umfana uyayithanda intombazana kodwa engangqalanga kuyo, intombazana ibonisa umdla komnye umntu, inkwenkwe ngoku ngequbuliso inomdla wokulandela le ntombazana. Omnye umzekelo: Ubudlelwane budla ngokuchazwa njengemeko yobunini. Kakhulu ukuba omnye umntu nokuba imbonakalo kwiqabane labo ngendlela yokuncwasa okanye enqwenelekayo, kuvumelekile ukuba iqabane "lifumane umzimba" okanye liqalise umlo. (Eyeleleneyo: Ngaba akukho mthethweni ukuhamba ngefowuni yeqabane lakho kwaye ufunde izicatshulwa zabo?)

Kukho nemiyalezo kwimiboniso bhanyabhanya nakwiTV ekuxelela ukuba ukuba uyayenza musa Uziva unomona, kufanele ukuba ikhona into engalunganga kuwe okanye kubudlelwane bakho. Xa, eneneni, oko kusemva. Yabona, okukhona ukhuselekile ngakumbi kuwe nakumaqabane akho, kokukhona uya kuba nomona. Oko kusizisa ...

Yintoni Ngokwenene Umona?

Konke oku kukhomba kwikhwele njengolwakhiwo lwentlalo: Umona awubonwa ngokulinganayo kumaqela ohlukeneyo abantu, kunoko, uxhomekeke kakhulu kwizithethe zasekuhlaleni. Ulwakhiwo lwentlalo yinto engekhoyo ngokwenyani kodwa ngenxa yokunxibelelana kwabantu. Bukho ngenxa yokuba abantu bayavumelana ukuba bukho. Umzekelo obalaseleyo womnye bubunyulu. Ngaba awufanelekanga kangako emva kokuba uye wabelana ngesondo kanye? Uxabiseke ngaphezulu? Kunantoni? Kunokuba ngubani? Asithethi malunga naliphi na elinye ibanga elibalulekileyo njengokuthi "ukuthatha" okanye "ukunika" into, kutheni le nto le nto ibalulekileyo yinto yokwenza? Ewe, abanye abantu bathathe isigqibo sokuba iyakuba njalo, kwaye ke uninzi lwabantu lwavuma, yaba yinto "yesiqhelo," kwaye uninzi lwabantu aluyibuzi into yesiqhelo. Kodwa ubuyele kumona: Yinto eqhelekileyo ukuba nomona xa iqabane lakho lifumana omnye umntu enomtsalane.

Ke, ukuba indlela esiwujonga ngayo ngoku umona ngenene lulwakhiwo lwentlalontle, bekuya kujongeka njani ukuba besinokuphinda sichaze (kunye nesiqhelo) umona ngokupheleleyo?

Nantsi wam Inkcazo yekhwele

Wonke umntu ufumana umona ngokwahlukileyo kuba ayisiyiyo imvakalelo elula okanye impendulo yamachiza. Xa umkhathalele umntu, uya kuba neengcinga kunye neemvakalelo malunga nokwenzekayo ebomini babo-kwaye ngamanye amaxesha uziva ngathi ngumona. (Idibeneyo: Le ndlela ye-5-Inyathelo iya kukunceda ushiye iipatheni zeemvakalelo ezingasebenziyo)

Indlela yokujongana nomona kubudlelwane

Kuba umona awuyonto yodwa, akukho "nyango" ngayo - kodwa ukuba ibikhona, ibiya kuba kukuzazi kunye nonxibelelwano. Okukhona uzazi ngakumbi, kokukhona uya kuba nako ukuxela ukuba ikhwele lakho limalunga na, ukwenza kube lula ukuncokola, ukuhlala kunye, kwaye ekugqibeleni nisombulule. (Eyeleleneyo: Izinto ezi-6 zabantu abaMnogamous abanokufunda kuBudlelwane obuVulekileyo)

Ukuchaza ikhwele kwakhona kuya kuthatha ukuzazi kakhulu, unxibelelwano oluninzi, kunye nokuba nenjongo malunga nokungazinzi uzive uhlazekile xa uziva unomona. Umona uziva ungumntu wobuqu, kodwa ngokuqhelekileyo yenye imvakalelo ekufuneka usebenze ngayo.

Ndinamaqabane amathathu endiwathatha onke njengamaqabane am "aphambili" - kwaye ngenxa yokuba ndingumgulana akuthethi ukuba andinamona okanye ndonganyelwe yimvakalelo yam. Ndingumntu oziva enomona (kwaye uninzi lweemvakalelo) kakhulu. Kwaye, naphakathi kwethu sobane, sinezimvo ezahlukileyo malunga nokuba yintoni umona kwaye uziva njani.

Xa omnye wethu eziva enekhwele, sabelana ngalo nabanye. Icebiso lobuchule: Iimvakalelo zoyikeka xa ushiywe wedwa engqondweni yakho kunaxa uthetha nomntu omthandayo. Ke, ukuba ndiziva ndinomona, ndizakuzibuza, "Ndiziva ndingazithembanga ngantoni?" kwaye "Yintoni le ndiyifunayo ndingaziva ndinofikelelo kuyo?" Emva koko, ndiyichonga loo nto kwaye ndinxibelelanise iimvakalelo zam kunye noko ndicinga ukuba kunganceda. (Jonga: Ungaba kanjani nobudlelwane obuPhilileyo bePolyamorous)

Ngokuqhelekileyo, xa abantu benxibelelana ngomona okanye nayiphi na enye imvakalelo, ababelani ngento abayifunayo okanye amanyathelo alandelayo anokubakho. Endaweni yoko, abantu bathanda ukuphosa nje ibhola evuthayo yeemvakalelo kumaqabane abo kwaye banethemba lokuba bayazi ukuba mabenze ntoni ngayo. Xa uchonga ukuba zivela phi iimvakalelo zekhwele, ungacela (kwaye ngethemba lokufumana) into oyifunayo.

Umona yimvakalelo ekufutshane-engenakuthintelwa kulo naluphi na ulwalamano, njengoko uninzi lweemvakalelo, ngoko kutheni ungafundi indlela yokuphanda iimvakalelo zakho kwaye ufumane iimfuno zakho endaweni yokuhlala kwaye uthe cwaka? Xa unxibelelana ngekhwele lakho, ungasebenzisa isakhelo sam se-A-E-O: vuma, chaza, kwaye unikeze. (Kukwaluncedo kakhulu xa ubeka imida.) Nantsi indlela.

Inyathelo 1: Yamkela

Eli nyathelo lokuqala lale ncoko ibalulekile kodwa ihlala igqityiwe. Oku kubandakanya ukubiza inyani okanye into ekungekho mntu ufuna ukuyithetha, ngokuvakalayo.

Ngokuqhelekileyo iqala ngokuthi "Ndiyazi ..." kwaye inokuvakala ngathi, "Ndiyazi ukuba bekunzima ukuhamba ngale nto intsha," okanye "Ndiyazi ukuba ndiziva nzulu kwaye awufuni ukundenzakalisa." (Funda kwakhona: Ingcebiso malunga nokwabelana ngesondo kunye nobudlelwane kwiTherapist

Inyathelo lesi-2: Cacisa

Kuqhelekile ukuba sihlale sityhalela kwincoko, siphosa umntu othetha naye kwibhola enkulu yeemvakalelo kunye neengcinga, emva koko ujonge kubo, "ke senza ntoni?" Ukulandela olu lwakhiwo kunokukunceda unxibelelane neengcinga zakho kunye neemvakalelo zakho kwaye uqale ukwenza inkqubela kumanyathelo alandelayo.

Umzekelo: "Ndiva ___ (imvakalelo) ____ xa / malunga ____ (isihloko / isenzo esinegalelo kulolovo) ___."

Umzekelo 1: "Ndiziva ndinomona xa ndikubona usitya inyama yenkomo kunye noJohn kodwa ndive kuphela nam."

Umzekelo 2: "Ndiziva ndisoyika kwaye ndinomona xa ushiya iidates."

Inyathelo 3: Nikela

Isiteyitimenti sokunikezela sinika iqabane lakho umbono wokuba ufuna ntoni (khumbula: akukho mntu unokufunda iingqondo), inyathelo losana ukuya kwisisombululo esomeleleyo, okanye umbono wakho wokulungiswa. (Idibeneyo: Unokuba njani neempikiswano zobudlelwane obuphilileyo)

Zama: "Eyona nto ndingathanda ukuyenza kuku…." okanye "Into endifuna ukuyenza ...." okanye "Ndingathanda ngokwenene ..." kulandelwa "ivakala njani loo nto?" okanye "ucinga ntoni?"

Umzekelo 1: "Ndingathanda ukutya isidlo senyama kunye nawe ngelinye ixesha. Ucinga ntoni?"

Umzekelo 2: "Kungandinceda kakhulu ukuba ungandithumelela imiyalezo yokuqinisekisa ubudlelwane bethu ngaphambi nasemva komhla wakho. Ngaba ingathi yinto onokuyenza?"

Ngexesha elizayo uziva unomona, zibuze ukuba kukungakhuseleki okanye into ofuna ukufikelela kuyo, kwaye unxibelelane neqabane lakho kwaye uthathe amanyathelo okusebenzela ukungakhuseleki okanye ufumane into oyifunayo. Umona akufuneki ube sisilo esoyikekayo esiluhlaza; inokukunceda ukuba uzazi kunye namaqabane akho kwinqanaba elinzulu ukuba uyakuvumela oko.

URachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T., (yena) yingcali yengqondo enelayisensi, umfundisi-ntsapho, kunye nengcali yobudlelwane esekelwe kwisiXeko saseNew York. Usisithethi esinamava, umququzeleli weqela, kunye nombhali. Usebenze namawakawaka abantu kwihlabathi liphela ukubanceda ukuba bakhale kancinci kwaye bajike ngakumbi.

Uphengululo lwe