Ukuhlala neQabane elitsha emva koXhatshazo

Umxholo

• Uloyiko oluqhubekayo
• Ukufumana iimpendulo
• Izifundo esivela kuzo
• Ukuqala phantsi
• Ndingalufumana phi uncedo?

Isiporho se-ex yam sasisaphila emzimbeni wam, sibangela uloyiko kunye noloyiko kokona kucaphukisayo.

Isilumkiso: Eli nqaku linenkcazo yokuxhatshazwa okunokucaphukisa. Ukuba wena okanye umntu omaziyo uhlangabezana nobundlobongela basekhaya, uncedo luyafumaneka. Tsalela umnxeba kule nombolo ingama-24/7 yeSizwe yoBundlobongela baseKhaya kwa-1-800-799-SAFE ngenkxaso eyimfihlo.

NgoSeptemba 2019, isithandwa sam seminyaka emi-3 sandixhasa kwikona, ndakhwaza ebusweni bam, bandibetha entloko. Ndawa phantsi, ndalila.

Wakhawuleza waguqa, ecela uxolo.

Oku kwenzeka kaninzi ngaphambili. Eli xesha lahlukile.

Ngalo mzuzu, ndandisazi ukuba andizukuphinda ndimthethelele. Ndamgxotha kula flat yethu ngalamini.

Andiqinisekanga ukuba kutheni le nto ekugqibeleni yenzayo. Mhlawumbi kungenxa yokuba ukubethelwa entloko kwakuyinto entsha: Wayehlala ebambelele kumanqindi.

Mhlawumbi kungenxa yokuba bendiqala ngokufihlakeleyo ukufunda malunga nobudlelwane obuhlukumezayo, ndizama ukufumanisa ukuba ingaba yile nto yenzekayo kum. Xa ndijonga emva, ndicinga ukuba kudala ndizakhela loo mzuzu, kwaye loo mini yandityhalela ngaphaya komphetho.

Kuthathe iinyanga ezininzi zomsebenzi onzima kunyango ukufumana umbono. Ndabona ukuba bendihlala ndisoyika phantse iminyaka emibini ukusukela oko saqala ukuhlala kunye.

Unyango lundincedile ukuba ndiqonde iipateni endiwele kuzo. Ndabona ukuba ndifuna ngqo ebomini bam "abafuna uncedo." Aba bantu ke baqhubeka nokusebenzisa indalo yam yokungazingci. Ngamanye amaxesha abantu bayisebenzisa ngeyona ndlela imbi kakhulu.

Ngokusisiseko, ndandiphathwa okwe doormat.

Khange ndibenoxanduva lwendlela ebendiphathwa ngayo, kodwa unyango lundincedile ukuba ndivume ukuba ndinombono ongekho sempilweni wendlela ubudlelwane obufanele ukuba ngayo.

Ngexesha, ndaye ndaqhubeka ndaphinda ndaqala ukuthandana. Bendifuna ukuzikhumbuza ukuba kukho abantu phaya abangafani naye. Ndiziqhelanise nokwenza izigqibo ezisempilweni kunye nokuchonga uhlobo lwabantu endifuna ukuba phakathi kwabo, kunokuba ndenze abantu "abafuna" mna.

Andizange ndizimisele ukungena kolunye ulwalamano, kodwa njengoko kuhlala kusenzeka, ndadibana nomntu omangalisayo xa ndingakhange ndijonge.

Izinto zihambe ngokukhawuleza, nangona bendiqinisekile ukuthatha isitokhwe esinzulu kunye nam malunga nokuba bendisenza iimpazamo ezifanayo na ngaphambili. Ndafumanisa, ngokuphindaphindiweyo, ukuba andikho.

Ndamenza ukuba azi ngexesha lam elidlulileyo ngomhla wethu wokuqala, umhla oqhubeka ngaphezulu kweeyure ezingama-24.

Umhlobo wam osenyongweni wayethumela imiyalezo ngamanye amaxesha ukuqinisekisa ukuba ndilungile, kwaye ndandimqinisekisa ukuba ndiziva ndikhuselekile. Umhla wam wandibuza, ndiqhula, ukuba umhlobo wam ujonge kum. Ndathi ewe, kwaye ndachaza ukuba ukhuselekile kancinci kuninzi ngenxa yobudlelwane bam bokugqibela.

Kwakusekuqaleni ukumxelela ngesidalwa sam esihlukumezayo, kodwa ndaziva ndinomlinganiso olungileyo wobuntu bakhe. Undicele ukuba ndimazise ukuba ukhe wenza into engazi ngabom endenza ndizive ndingonwabanga.

Xa kwakuqala ukutshixa, sangena kunye. Olunye uhlobo yayilulodwa ixesha elingalaziwa.

Ngethamsanqa, ihambe kakuhle. Into ebendingayilindelanga yayikukuhlukumezeka kwam okudlulileyo ukuphakamisa intloko.

Ukuba unenkxalabo malunga nelungu losapho okanye umhlobo, jonga imiqondiso emininzi ebalulekileyo enokubonisa ukuba bakubudlelwane obuhlukumezayo kwaye bafuna uncedo. Oku kubandakanya:

• Ukurhoxa nokwenza izizathu zokungaboni abahlobo okanye usapho okanye benze izinto abazenzileyo (inokuba yinto ayiphetheyo umxhaphazi)
• Kubonakala ngathi banexhala malunga neqabane labo okanye boyika amaqabane abo
• ukuba nemivumbo okanye ukonzakala rhoqo abalala ngako okanye abanako ukukuchaza
• ukufikelela ngokulinganiselweyo kwimali, amakhadi etyala okanye imoto
• ebonisa umohluko ogqithileyo kubuntu
• ukufumana iminxeba rhoqo evela kwenye ebalulekileyo, ngakumbi iminxeba efuna ukuba bangene okanye ibenze babonakale bexhalabile
• ukuba neqabane elinomsindo, elinomona ngokulula, okanye elinamandla kakhulu
• iimpahla ezinokufihla imivumbo, njengehempe ezinemikhono emide ehlotyeni

Ngolwazi oluthe vetshe, jonga iSikhokelo seZibonelelo zoBundlobongela baseKhaya okanye ufikelele kwiNombolo yoMnxeba yeSizwe yoDushe lwaseKhaya

Uloyiko oluqhubekayo

Kwakukho iingcebiso zoloyiko lwakudala oluvunyiweyo ngaphambi kokuba sihlale kunye, kodwa kwacaca ukuba kwenzeka ntoni xa sichitha lonke ixesha lethu kunye.

Ndakhe ndaziva ndingazinzanga ngaphambili, kodwa kwakulula kakhulu ukuziphelisa ezo mvakalelo zoxinzelelo kunye neparanoia xa zazingenzeki yonke imihla. Nje ukuba sihlale sobabini, bendisazi ukuba kufuneka ndithethe nesithandwa sam malunga nento eyenzeka kum.

Uloyiko kunye nokuzikhusela okwakuqhelekile kum nge-ex yam kwakusekho kubunzulu bengqondo nomzimba wam.

Isithandwa sam esitsha yinto yonke ex yam yayingeyiyo, kwaye ayizukubeka mnwe kum. Sekunjalo, ngamanye amaxesha ndiphendula ngokungathi unako.

Ndisayimeko yokukholelwa ukuba nakuphi na ukukhathazeka okanye ukucaphuka kweqabane lam kunokuba ngumsindo kunye nobundlobongela obujoliswe kum. Ndiyacinga ukuba iyandiswa yile nto yokuba sihlala kwigumbi endakha ndabelana ngalo nomxhaphazi wam, kanye njengokuba ndenze konke okusemandleni ukwenza amagumbi azive ahlukile.

Zizinto ezingenangqondo ezibuyisa ezi mvakalelo- izinto ekungafuneki ukuba umntu abe nomsindo ngazo.

Umntu wam wangaphambili uya kuzisebenzisa njengesizathu sokukhathazeka kunye nomsindo ngaphakathi kwakhe. Kwaye kum, oko kwakuthetha ukuba kufuneka ndoyike.

Ngenye imini xa inkwenkwe endandithandana nayo yankqonkqoza emnyango emva komsebenzi, ndaphaphazela. I-ex yam ibidla ngokundicaphukisa xa ndingavuli mnyango xa ithumela imiyalezo ithi isendleleni egodukayo.

Ndazixolisa ndiphindaphinda, kumnandi iinyembezi. Umfana endithandana naye uchithe imizuzu eliqela endizolisa kwaye endiqinisekisa ukuba akanawo umsindo wokuba andivulanga mnyango.

Xa umfana wam omtsha wayendifundisa ngejuu jitsu, wandikroba ezantsi ngezihlahla. Bendi hleka kwaye ndenza konke okusemandleni am ukumphosa, kodwa eso sikhundla sindenze ndangumkhenkce.

Kwakukude kakhulu ukukhumbula ukucinezelwa phantsi kunye nokumemeza nge-ex yam, into endiyilibeleyo ngalo mzuzu. Imemori inokuba yinto engaqhelekanga ngoluhlobo, icinezele umothuko.

Umfana endithandana naye ujonge ubuso bam oboyikayo kwaye kwangoko wandiyeka. Emva koko uye wandibamba bendilila.

Elinye ixesha, sasidlala silwa emva kokubhaka, sisongelana ngokuthambisa ngeqebengwana lecookie elalisele kwicephe lomthi. Ndandihleka kwaye ndiphepha icephe elinamathelayo de ndibuyele ekoneni.

Ndavela ndema bhunxe, wakhawuleza wabona ukuba kukho into engalunganga. Ukudlala kwethu kuyekile njengoko ebendikhokelela ngobunono ekoneni. Ngalo mzuzu, umzimba wam wawungathi ndibuyile kwimeko endingenakubaleka kuyo, ndibuye xa ndinento endimele ukuba ndiyiphuncule ukusuka.

Kukho imizekelo engenakubalwa yeziganeko ezifanayo-amaxesha apho umzimba wam waphendula ngokwemvelo kwinto eyayithetha ingozi. Kule mihla, andinanto ndiyoyikayo, kodwa umzimba wam uyakhumbula xa wenze njalo.

Ukufumana iimpendulo

Ndathetha no-Ammanda Major, umcebisi wezobudlelwane, ugqirha wezokwabelana ngesondo, kunye neNtloko yokuziqhelanisa neKlinikhi eRelate, umboneleli omkhulu wase-UK wokuxhasa ubudlelwane, ukuzama ukuqonda ukuba kutheni kusenzeka nje oku.

Ucacise ukuba "ilifa lokuxhatshazwa ekhaya linokuba likhulu. Abasindileyo bahlala benemicimbi yokuthembana, kwaye kwezinye iimeko banokubakho kwi-PTSD, kodwa ngonyango lweengcali kunokulawulwa kwaye abantu banokuyisebenzisa. ”

"Enye yezona zinto ziphambili zokuya phambili kukwazi ukuqonda kwaye ucele iimfuno zakho ukuba zifezekiswe, kuba kubudlelwane obuxhaphazayo iimfuno zakho azamkelwa kwaphela," utshilo uMajor.

Nokuba kunyango, kunokuba ngumceli mngeni kwabo baphuma kubudlelwane obuhlukumezayo ukuba baqonde iimpawu zokulumkisa xa ipateni enye iqala ukwenzeka kwakhona.

“Kuyenzeka ukuba ube nobudlelwane obulungileyo nobusempilweni, kodwa uninzi lwabasindileyo luzokuzabalaza ukwenza unxibelelwano olusempilweni kunye nokunxibelelana neemfuno zabo. Banokufumanisa ukuba bayatsaleleka kwabanye abantu abajika baba gadalala kuba yile nto sele beyiqhelile, ”utshilo uMajor.

Ngamanye amaxesha, abasindileyo abafuni ukubeka emngciphekweni wokuba kungenzeka ukuba ukuxhatshazwa kwenzeke konke kwakhona.

“Ngamanye amaxesha abasindileyo abakwazi ukuzibona bekwindlela yobudlelwane kwakhona. Konke malunga nokuthembana, kwaye ukuthembana kuye kwaphulwa, utshilo uMajor.

Into ebalulekileyo kukuba ufunde ukuba ungubani, ngakumbi xa uwedwa.

UMajor uthi "Nangona ubudlelwane obutsha bunokuphilisa ngokumangalisayo kwabanye abantu, eyona nto iphambili uyithathileyo kunye nendlela ephambili yokuqhubela phambili kukuzama ukufumanisa ukuba ungubani na, kunokuba ube ngumncedisi kumxhaphazi wakho."

Izifundo esivela kuzo

Iimpendulo zam ayothusi yonke into emva kokuchitha iminyaka emi-2 rhoqo. Ukuba umntu wam wakudala wayecaphuka nakubani na okanye nantoni na, iya kuba ndim othatha ityala.

Nangona iqabane lam elitsha lingenanto yakudala, ndizilungiselela iimpendulo ezifanayo. Impendulo ekungekho mlingane unothando, uzinzileyo uya kuba nayo.

UMajor uyachaza, "Yinto esiyibiza ngokuba yimpendulo yomothuko. Ingqondo ikuxelela ukuba ukhe wakubona oku ngaphambili, ukuze ube sengozini. Yonke le yinxalenye yenkqubo yokubuyisela kwimeko yesiqhelo, njengoko ingqondo yakho ingazi kuqala ukuba ukhuselekile. "

La manyathelo anokuqala inkqubo yokuphilisa kwaye ancede ekwakheni ukuthembana:

• Fumana ugqirha ogxile ekuxhatshazweni ekhaya.
• Ziqhelanise neendlela zokuphefumla ukuze uhlale uzolile xa izinto ziba nzima.
• Funda ukuba ungahlala njani usemhlabeni kwaye ubonise ngexesha leemeko ezinzima.
• Qaphela kwaye ucele iimfuno zakho ukuba zifezekiswe kubo bonke ubudlelwane bakho.
• Chaza izinto ezibangela iqabane lakho ukuze zilungele.

"Kwenza umahluko omkhulu ukuba iqabane lakho elitsha liyakwazi ukucacisa, ukuqonda, kunye nokuxhasa," utshilo uMajor. "Ngokubeka amava amatsha endaweni yezindala, ezothusayo, ekugqibeleni ingqondo inokufunda ukuba ezi meko azibonisi bungozi."

Ukuqala phantsi

Ndifunda kancinci ukuba ndikhuselekile kwakhona.

Qho umfana endithandana naye xa ecatshukiswa zizinto ezincinci kwaye angamkhupheli kum ukukhathazeka, amazwi angenabubele, okanye ubundlobongela emzimbeni, ndiyaphumla kancinci.

Nangona ingqondo yam isoloko isazi ukuba isithandwa sam asifani nesidala sam, umzimba wam nawo ufunda kancinci ukuthembela. Kwaye ngalo lonke ixesha esenza into engandichukumisanga, ngathi undibuyisela ekoneni okanye andicofe emva komlo othakazelayo, uyaxolisa kwaye afunde kuyo.

Uya kundinika indawo ukuba andifuni kuchukunyiswa ngalamzuzu, okanye andibambe kude kubethe ukubetha kwentliziyo yam kwesiqhelo.

Ubomi bam bonke bohlukile ngoku. Andisachithi mzuzu wonke wokuvusa ukungcolisa omnye umntu ngenxa yokoyika ukutshintsha kwemood. Ngamaxesha athile nangona, umzimba wam usacinga ukuba ubuyile kumxhaphazi wam.

Nje ukuba ndimsike kakuhle ebomini bam, bendicinga ukuba ndiphilisiwe.Ndayazi ukuba ndiza kuba nomsebenzi ekufuneka ndiwenzile ngokwam, kodwa andikhange ndilindele ukuba isiporho se ex yam sisahlala emzimbeni wam, sibangela uloyiko kunye noloyiko kwinto encinci yokuxhokonxa.

Ngekhe ndikulindele ukuba uloyiko lwam olungapheliyo luza kukhulisa iintloko zabo, kodwa kuya kuba ngcono.

Njengonyango, ukuphilisa kuthatha umsebenzi. Ukuba nenkxaso yeqabane elinobubele, inkathalo, kunye nokuqonda kwenza ukuba uhambo lube lula kakhulu.

Ndingalufumana phi uncedo?

Zininzi izibonelelo ezikhoyo kubantu abanamava okuphathwa gadalala. Ukuba ufumana ukuxhatshazwa, qiniseka ukuba kukhuselekile kuwe ukufikelela kwezi zixhobo kwikhompyuter yakho okanye kwifowuni.

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UBethany Fulton ngumbhali ozimeleyo kunye nomhleli oseManchester, eUnited Kingdom.