Ndemka kuxinzelelo lwam ukuze ndikhulelwe, kwaye yile nto yenzekileyo

Umxholo

• Uhambo lwam luqale njani
• Ukuhamba kwam amayeza
• Imo yentlekele
• Ndithathe njani ulawulo
• Ukuzikhathalela

Kudala ndifuna ukuba nabantwana okoko ndikhumbulayo. Ngaphezulu kwayo nayiphi na inqanaba, nawuphina umsebenzi, okanye nayiphi na enye impumelelo, bendihlala ndiphupha ngokudala usapho lwam.

Ndandinombono wobomi bam obakhelwe kumava wokuba ngumama-ukutshata, ukukhulelwa, ukukhulisa abantwana, emva koko ndithandwa ngabo ebudaleni bam. Lo mnqweno wosapho wakhula ngamandla njengoko ndandisiya ndisiba mdala, kwaye ndandingakwazi ukulinda de kube lixesha lokuba ndiyibukele izaliseka.

Ndatshata nge-27 kwaye xa ndandineminyaka engama-30, mna nomyeni wam sagqiba ekubeni sikulungele ukuqala ukuzama ukukhulelwa. Kwaye eli yayilixesha lokuba iphupha lam lokuba ngumama lidibane nenyani yokugula kwam kwengqondo.

Uhambo lwam luqale njani

Ndafunyaniswa ndinengxaki yokudakumba kunye noxinzelelo ngokubanzi xa ndandineminyaka engama-21, ndaye ndanamava obuntwana xa ndandineminyaka eli-13 emva kokuzibulala kukatata. Engqondweni yam, ukuxilongwa kwam kunye nomnqweno wam wabantwana uhlala wahlukile. Andizange ndicinge ukuba unyango lwam lwempilo yengqondo kunye nokukwazi kwam ukuba nabantwana zidibene-into endiyivileyo kubafazi abaninzi okoko ndaya esidlangalaleni ngebali lam.

Ukuqala kwam olu hambo, eyona nto ibiphambili kum kukukhulelwa. Eli phupha leza ngaphambi kwayo nantoni na eyenye, kubandakanya eyam impilo kunye nozinzo. Andizukuvumela kwanto ime endleleni yam, nditsho nokuba sempilweni kwam.

Ndibize phambili ngokungaboni ngaphandle kokucela uluvo lwesibini okanye ukukala ngononophelo iziphumo ezinokubakho zokuya kunyango lwam. Ndiwajongele phantsi amandla engqondo anganyangekiyo.

Ukuhamba kwam amayeza

Ndayeka ukuthatha amayeza phantsi kweliso loogqirha abathathu abagula ngengqondo. Bonke bayayazi imbali yosapho lwam kwaye ndingoyena usindileyo ekubulaweni ngokuzibulala. Kodwa khange bayifakele lonto xa bendicebisa ukuba ndiphile noxinzelelo olunganyangekiyo. Abazange banikele ngamanye amayeza athathwa njengakhuselekileyo. Bandixelele ukuba mandicinge kuqala kwaye kuqala kwimpilo yosana lwam.

Njengoko ii-meds zayishiya inkqubo yam, ndatyhila kancinci. Kwakunzima ukusebenza kwaye ndandilila ngalo lonke ixesha. Uxinzelelo lwam lwalungekho kwiitshathi. Ndaxelelwa ukuba ndicinge indlela endonwaba ngayo njengomama. Ukucinga ngendlela endandifuna ukuba nomntwana ngayo.

Omnye ugqirha wezifo zengqondo wandixelela ukuba ndithathe i-Advil xa intloko yam ibuhlungu kakhulu. Ndinqwenela ukuba omnye wabo aphakamise isipili. Undixelele ukuba ndehlise isantya. Ukubeka impilo yam kuqala.

Imo yentlekele

Nge-Disemba ka-2014, unyaka nje omnye emva kokudibana kwam kudala nogqirha wam wengqondo, ndaye ndaphazamiseka kwimpilo yengqondo. Ngeli xesha, ndandisele ndingasasebenzi. Ndaziva ndicinezelekile kuyo yonke indawo yobomi bam, kokubini nangokomntu. Ndandiqala ukuba neengcinga zokuzibulala. Umyeni wam woyika njengoko ejonge umfazi wakhe owayesebenza kakuhle, esiwa eqokobheni lakhe.

Ngo-Matshi waloo nyaka, ndaziva ndiphuma ngaphandle kolawulo kwaye ndazijonga esibhedlele sabagula ngengqondo. Amathemba am namaphupha okuba nomntwana agqitywe ngokupheleleyo kukudakumba okunzulu, uxinzelelo olunxunguphalisayo, kunye noloyiko olungapheliyo.

Kunyaka olandelayo, ndalaliswa esibhedlele kabini ndachitha iinyanga ezintandathu kwinkqubo yesibhedlele. Ndabuyiselwa kwangoko kunyango kwaye ndathweswa isidanga kwinqanaba lokungena kwii-SSRI zokuthomalalisa imood, ii-antipsychotic atypical, kunye ne-benzodiazepines.

Ndayazi ndingakhange ndibuze nokuba bangathi ukuba nomntwana kwezi ziyobisi yayingengombono mhle. Kuthathe iminyaka emithathu ndisebenza noogqirha ukukhupha iziyobisi ezingaphezu kwe-10, ukuya kule mithathu ndiyithathayo ngoku.

Ngeli xesha lobumnyama nelesoyikisayo, iphupha lam lokuba ngumama latshabalala. Kwakungathi akunakwenzeka. Ayikuko kuphela ukuba amayeza am amatsha athathelwa ingqalelo njengokungakhuseleki ngakumbi ekukhulelweni, ndaye ndabuza ukubanakho ukuba ngumzali.

Ubomi bam babungasasebenzi. Izinto zazimbi kangakanani? Ndingacinga njani ukuba nosana xa ndingakwazi nokuzikhathalela?

Ndithathe njani ulawulo

Kwawona maxesha abuhlungu abonisa ithuba lokukhula. Ndafumana amandla am ndaza ndaqalisa ukuyisebenzisa.

Kunyango, ndafunda ukuba uninzi lwabasetyhini bayakhulelwa ngelixa besebenzisa ii-anti-depressants kwaye iintsana zabo zisempilweni- ndicel'umngeni kwingcebiso endandiyifumana ngaphambili. Ndifumene oogqirha ababelana ngam ngophando, bendibonisa idatha eyiyo malunga nokuba amayeza athile aluchaphazela njani ukukhula komntwana.

Ndiqale ukubuza imibuzo kwaye ndityhalele umva nanini na ndiziva ndifumana naliphi na icebo elilinganayo. Ndifumanise ixabiso lokufumana izimvo zesibini kunye nokwenza uphando lwam nakweliphi na ingcebiso yengqondo endiyinikiweyo. Yonke imihla ndafunda ukuba ngoyena mmeli wam ubalaseleyo.

Okwexeshana, ndandinomsindo. Unomsindo. Ndichukunyiswe kukubona izisu ezikhulelweyo kunye neentsana ezincumayo. Kubuhlungu ukubukela abanye abantu basetyhini benento endiyifunayo kakubi. Ndiye ndahlala kuFacebook naku-Instagram, ndikufumanisa kunzima kakhulu ukujonga izibhengezo zokuzalwa namatheko emihla yokuzalwa yabantwana.

Kwakungafanelekanga ukuba iphupha lam liye lachithwa. Ukuthetha nonyango lwam, usapho kunye nabahlobo abasondeleyo bandinceda ndakwazi ukudlula kwezo ntsuku zinzima. Ndidinga ukukhupha kwaye ndixhaswe ngabo basondele kakhulu kum. Ngandlela thile, ndicinga ukuba bendibuhlungu. Ndilahlekelwe liphupha lam kwaye bendingekaboni ukuba livuswa njani.

Ukugula kakhulu kunye nokuchacha ixesha elide kwaye kubuhlungu kundifundise isifundo esibalulekileyo: impilo-ntle yam kufuneka ibe yeyona nto iphambili ebomini bam. Ngaphambi kokuba elinye iphupha okanye injongo yenzeke, kufuneka ndizinyamekele.

Kum, oku kuthetha ukuba kumayeza kunye nokuthatha inxaxheba kunyango. Kuthetha ukunikela ingqalelo kwiiflegi ezibomvu kwaye ungazihoyi iimpawu zesilumkiso.

Ukuzikhathalela

Le yingcebiso endinqwenela ukuba bendinikwe ngaphambili, kwaye ndiza kukunika ngoku: Qala kwindawo yempilo yengqondo. Hlala uthembekile kunyango olusebenzayo. Ungavumeli ukukhangela kuGoogle okanye ukuqeshwa okukodwa kumisele amanyathelo akho alandelayo. Funa izimvo zesibini kunye nezinye iindlela zokhetho ezinokuba nefuthe elikhulu kwimpilo yakho.

U-Amy Marlow uphila noxinzelelo kunye noxinzelelo ngokubanzi, kwaye ungumbhali weBlue Light Blue, neyabizwa ngokuba yenye yeebhloko zeBhloko zokudakumba. Mlandele kuTwitter ku @_bluelightblue_.