Iiflagi eziBomvu ezinokubakho kubuDlelwane ekufuneka uyazi malunga nazo

Umxholo

• Iiflegi eziBomvu ezinokubakho kubudlelwane
• Bafuna ukuba nani nonke.
• Kubonakala ngathi azikhumbuli iinkumbulo ezimyoli zolwalamano lwakho nothando.
• Abazikhathaleli xa benezibonelelo.
• Uyekile ukubandakanyeka kungquzulwano.
• Abafuni ukunxibelelana.
• Uyekile ukulala ngesondo- kwaye awuthethi ngayo.
• Bahlala bethetha malunga nokuba incinci kangakanani imali abanayo - kodwa bangabasebenzisi abakhulu.
• Yintoni omawuyenze xa uqaphela iFlegi eBomvu kubudlelwane
• Uphengululo lwe

Nokuba usebudlelwaneni obuhlumayo okanye obusekwe kakuhle, iinjongo zakho ezikhuselekileyo, izihlobo zakho ezikhuselayo kunye namalungu osapho banokukhawuleza ukubiza ii-boo "zeeflegi ezibomvu." Emehlweni abo, ukwala entsha fling yakho ukuhlamba sheets ngaphezu kanye ngenyanga okanye ubunzima iqabane lakho ubambe phantsi umsebenzi kunokuba iimpawu ezicacileyo ukuba kufuneka ulahle yonke into kwaye ukuphelisa ubudlelwane, stat.

Kodwa isimilo esibonwa njengeeflegi ezibomvu akufuneki ngokuzenzekelayo sithathwe njengezizathu zokwahlukana, utshilo uRachel Wright, MA, LMFT, ugqirha wezengqondo, umtshato onelayisensi kunye nonyango losapho, kunye nesini kunye nobuchwephesha bobuhlobo. "Indwe ebomvu inokuba [isalathisi] yinto esele icinyiwe - ayithethi iflegi ebomvu ekufuneka uyiqhube ngenye indlela," utshilo. Ngapha koko, iflegi ebomvu - nokuba enye eziva iyingxaki ngeli xesha - inokuba lithuba lokukhula, wongeza uJess O'Reilly, Ph.D., isazi ngesondo esiseToronto kunye nomkhosi Ukwabelana ngesondo noGqirha Jess ipodcast. "Ungazisebenzisa ukusebenzela unxibelelwano, unxibelelwano, okanye ubudlelwane ngokubanzi," uyachaza. (I-FTR, isimilo esihlukumezayo kunye neemeko azifani, utsho u-O'Reilly. ingxoxo, ukoyikisa, okanye ukukunyanzelela ukuba ubelane ngesondo, usebenzise iziyobisi, okanye usele utywala — qhagamshelana noMnxeba weSizwe woBundlobongela baseKhaya ukuze ufumane uncedo.)

Ngaphezu koko, uluvo lomntu wonke lwento ekufanelekela ukuba yindwe ebomvu kubudlelwane yahlukile, utshilo uWright. Ngokomzekelo, ingcamango yomntu omnye weflegi ebomvu inokwahluka kunomntu one-polyamorous, uyachaza. "Azikho jikelele, kwaye akunandaba ukuba omnye umntu ucinga ukuba ifulegi ebomvu ukuba kulungile nawe."

Okwangoku, kukho ezinye iiflegi ezibomvu ngokubanzi ezinokubangela inkxalabo okanye isizathu sokuphinda uvavanye ubudlelwane bakho- kwaye ayisiyiyo kuphela eyasenyongweni, efana neentsomi zikaTaylor Swift ecula ngayo. Bobabini uWright kunye no-O'Reilly bayaqaphela ukuba unokuqaphela iiflegi ezibomvu kulo naluphi na uhlobo lobudlelwane, kubandakanywa nabahlobo, amalungu osapho, oogxa, kunye nokunye. Apha, u-Wright kunye no-O'Reilly babelana ngeeflegi ezibomvu kubudlelwane (ngokuphambili obunothando) obunokufaneleka ukujonga, kwaye kubaluleke kakhulu, ukuba wenze ntoni xa ubona enye yazo. Umonakalisi: Sukuphosa kwangoko itawuli. (Idibeneyo: Indlela yokujongana nobuhlobo obuMnye)

Iiflegi eziBomvu ezinokubakho kubudlelwane

Bafuna ukuba nani nonke.

Ukuba iqabane lakho ligxeka kakhulu abahlobo bakho kunye nosapho, lizama ukuqhuba umda phakathi kwakho nabahlobo bakho abasondeleyo, okanye ukuzama ukunqumla kwisangqa sakho sentlalo, indlela abaziphethe ngayo inokuba sisizathu sokukhathazeka, utshilo u-O'Reilly. "Mhlawumbi bacebisa ukuba bakuthanda kakhulu kwaye bazama ukukhusela, [okanye] mhlawumbi bathi ulunge kakhulu komnye umntu," wongeza. "Qaphela iqabane elinokulawula elijonga iinzame zabo zokukwahlula njengento ebizwa ngokuba luthando." Ezi zenzo zokwahlula zinokuba yiflegi enkulu ebomvu kubudlelwane, njengoko zinokukhokelela ekuziphatheni okuxhaphazayo ezantsi kwendlela, njengokulawula into eyenziwa liqabane lakho, elimbonayo kwaye lithetha naye, apho liya khona - kunye nokusebenzisa umona ukuyithethelela yonke into. . Onke la ngamaqhinga anokusetyenziswa liqabane elihlukumezayo ukugcina amaxhoba abo kubudlelwane, ngokweNombolo yeSizwe yoBundlobongela baseKhaya. (BTW, luphawu nje olunye onokuthi ube kubudlelwane obuyityhefu.)

Kubonakala ngathi azikhumbuli iinkumbulo ezimyoli zolwalamano lwakho nothando.

Xa iqabane lakho licinga emva kumzuzu ovuyisayo onokuthi ukhutshwe ngqo ngaphandle kwe-rom-com okanye usuku olonwabisayo njengomtshato wakho, ngaba bayalukhumbula ngothando okanye ngokukrakra okanye lusizi? Ukuba iinkumbulo zangaphambili ezazonwabile ngoku zingcoliswe zona, inokuba yiflegi ebomvu ukuba into ayilunganga kwaphela kulwalamano. Ithuku lakho linokuthi liyibize ngokukhawuleza, ngakumbi ukuba intliziyo ye-SO yakho ayibonakali ngathi ayisekho kuyo, kodwa okokuqala, "unokufuna ukuthetha malunga nendlela oziva ngayo kubudlelwane," kusho u-O '. Ngesiqhelo. "Oko akuthethi ukuba ubudlelwane buyaphela, kodwa kunokufuna iindlela ezintsha [okt unyango lwesibini]."

Abazikhathaleli xa benezibonelelo.

Iflegi ebomvu enokubakho kubudlelwane inokuba ngumqondiso kwi-S.O yakho. abazixabisi, utsho uWright. "Kwaye yinto enokuza kamva njengento eqikelelweyo kunye nomba wobudlelwane." Isigqibo sakho se-boo sokutsiba ukuqeshwa koogqirha okanye ukungazihliki amazinyo ubusuku ngabunye sinokubonisa ukuba abayixabisi impilo yabo njengokuba usenza- kwaye ukuba ayisiyonto ozimisele ukuyithetha ngokukhululekileyo kwaye uyamnkele (okanye ulalanise), kunokubangela inzondo kwiqabane lakho phantsi komgca. Imicimbi yezempilo, enje ngoxinzelelo, ngokwe-National Alliance kwiNgqondo ye-Kenosha County. THANDEKA: Iflegi ebizwa ngokuba ebomvu ayinakuthetha ukuba kufanelekile, kodwa endaweni yoko qala incoko ethembekileyo nabo malunga naziphi na iingxaki abanokuzifumana. (Inxulumene: Linda, Ngaba iiCavities kunye neSifo seGum ziyosasazeka ngokuPhuzana?!)

Uyekile ukubandakanyeka kungquzulwano.

Kusenokubonakala ngathi zange sixabane a Kulungile into (kwaye, kwezinye iimeko, inokuba), kodwa ukuphepha iingxabano ngenxa yokuba uyekile ngokupheleleyo ukuthetha ngemiba ebalulekileyo inokuba iflegi ebomvu kubudlelwane, uthi O'Reilly. Ukufumanisa ukuba ukungabikho kwengxabano kunokuba yinxalenye yengxaki enkulu, u-O'Reilly ucebisa ukuba uzibuze le mibuzo:

• Ngaba uyakuphepha ukuthetha ngemiba ebalulekileyo kwaye uyivumele ukuba ikhule, okanye ngaba ukhetha amadabi akho kwaye uvumele izinto ezincinci zityibilike?
• Ngaba uyekile ukunxulumana kuba ungasakhathali, okanye ngaba uye wayamkela into yokuba akunakuyicombulula yonke imibandela?
• Ngaba uyekile ukuthetha ngemicimbi eshushu kuba uziva ukuba iqabane lakho alimameli okanye alixabisanga imbono yakho?

Khumbula nje, "umxholo ubaluleke kakhulu, yiyo loo nto iiflegi ezibomvu zingasoloko zikho jikelele," wongeza. Umzekelo, ukuba wena neqabane lakho nixabene kangangeveki malunga nendlela "elungileyo" yokulayisha isitya sokuhlamba izitya kodwa khange ukwazi ukusombulula umba, ukulahla ukungavisisani, ukuvumela ukuba bacwangcise iipleyiti ezimdaka ngendlela abafuna ngayo, endaweni yoko bagxile kwizinto ezibalulekileyo (umzekelo, imali yakho, imfundo, njl. njl.) inokuba yinto elungileyo.

Abafuni ukunxibelelana.

Ukuba awuyi kuyivumela ityibilike xa i-BFF ikubetha kwaye ingazihoyi iitekisi zakho kangangeentsuku, kutheni ungayinyamezeli loo nto kubudlelwane bakho bothando? "Ukuba kubaluleke kakhulu kuwe ukuba ube nobudlelwane nomntu okwazi ukuthetha nawe, kodwa bayavala kwaye bangathethi, oko kuya kuba yiflegi ebomvu ngokubanzi," kusho uWright.

Isikhumbuzo: Nokuba ungazi kangakanani iqabane lakho, awunakukwazi ukufunda iingqondo zabo, kwaye ngaphandle konxibelelwano oluvulekileyo nolunyanisekileyo malunga neemfuno, iimfuno kunye nolindelo, ukungaqondani okwenzakalisayo kunye neempikiswano kuya kusanda ukwenzeka. Ngapha koko, unxibelelwano olubi sesona sizathu siqhelekileyo sokuba kutheni izibini zifuna unyango kwaye kuqikelelwa ukuba lunezona mpembelelo zimbi kubudlelwane, ngokophando olupapashwe kwi Ijenali yoMtshato noSapho.

Uyekile ukulala ngesondo- kwaye awuthethi ngayo.

Izinto zokuqala kuqala, kulungile ukubeka ikhefu kwimisebenzi yakho phakathi kwee-sheet, utsho u-O'Reilly. "Abanye abantu bayakuvuyela ukuthatha ikhefu, kodwa kwabanye, ingunobangela wengxabano kunye nengxabano," ucacisa. Ukuba wena kunye neqabane lakho niwela kwiqela lokugqibela kwaye nobabini nizenza ngathi yi-NBD, inokubangela ukucaphuka okwangoku kunye nemiba ephantsi komgca, njengokungakwazi ukuba nengxabano enempilo. (Sebenzisa ezi ngcebiso ukuthetha nomlingane wakho malunga nokufuna isondo ngakumbi.)

Bahlala bethetha malunga nokuba incinci kangakanani imali abanayo - kodwa bangabasebenzisi abakhulu.

Le iflegi ebomvu enokubakho kubudlelwane yonke yehla ekuqhawuleni unxibelelwano phakathi kwento ethethwa liqabane lakho kunye nendlela abaziphatha ngayo. Kodwa xa uqala ukuyibona, kubalulekile ukuba ujonge isenzo sabo ngovelwano, utshilo uWright. Inokuba nje loo mntu uneentloni, utshilo. "Mhlawumbi bahlawule nje ityala elikhulu lezonyango kwaye baziva bengakhuselekanga ngalo mzuzu. Asinokwazi ukuba kuqhubeka ntoni, yiyo loo nto iflegi ebomvu kum sisimemo sencoko, hayi isizathu sokubaleka. " Ukuba unayo loo convo kwaye ufumanisa ukuba iqabane lakho alinalo uluvo lolawulo lwezezimali kwaye alicwangcisi ukuthatha amanyathelo afanelekileyo ukuphucula indlela yabo yokuchitha, uya kuthi wazi ukuba ubudlelwane abukho kuwe, uyongeza.

Yintoni omawuyenze xa uqaphela iFlegi eBomvu kubudlelwane

Ukuba awukayihlanganisi kunye, akufuneki uphume ngomnyango okwesibini ubona iflegi ebomvu enokubakho kubudlelwane bakho. Okokuqala, zibuze indlela oziva ngayo kwaye ucinge ngayo: "Uvakalelwa njani ngokuziphatha kwabo? Yintoni oyifunayo? Ngaba lo mbandela ubalulekile kuwe? Kutheni kubalulekile?" Utsho u-O'Reilly.

Ke, ukuba uziva ukhuselekile kwaye ukhululekile ukwenza njalo, yiphakamise ngobunono kunye neqabane lakho ngendlela enothando, enobubele, nenomdla - hayi ukungqubana, utsho uWright. Umzekelo, endaweni yokuthetha kabukhali, "Awusoze uhlambe amazinyo akho ebusuku kwaye iyandikhathaza," uWright ucebisa esithi, "Ndiziva ndisoyika ngento yokuba awuhlambi amazinyo ubusuku obuninzi, kuba oko kuthetha ntoni kum Ngaba awukhathalelanga isiqu sakho, kwaye ndifuna ukuba nengxoxo malunga naso. Ngaba ungavula kuloo nto? '"

"Thembeka malunga neemvakalelo zakho ezisemngciphekweni-umzekelo, uloyiko, ukungazithembi, ukudana," wongeza u-O'Reilly. "Ubudlelwane bunokulungiswa kwiimeko ezininzi, kodwa ukuba uyazifihla iimvakalelo zakho ezichanekileyo (umz.ukurhoxa ukunqanda ukuziva usengozini), kunokwenzeka ukuba uyonyuse ingxaki." Cinga ngale ndlela: Ukuba awumvumeli iqabane lakho ukuba lazi ukuba indlela yabo, yithi, ukunqongophala konxibelelwano kukwenza uzive njani kwaye kutheni kunjalo, ngekhe ubekho kwiphepha elinye malunga nobunzima bomcimbi-kwaye ke unengxaki yokuyisombulula ngokupheleleyo (Jonga kwakhona: Ungabakha njani ubuhlobo obusondeleyo neqabane lakho)

Ukusuka apho, nobabini ninokuthatha isigqibo sokuba iflegi ebomvu yinto eninokoyisa okanye niyilawule kunye okanye ukuba sisalathiso sokuba kufuneka uphinde uvavanye ubudlelwane bakho. Kwaye ukuba awukaqiniseki ngokupheleleyo, cinga ukubona umcebisi oqeqeshiweyo okanye ugqirha onokukunceda ukulungisa le micimbi, utshilo u-O'Reilly. Nokuba yeyiphi na ingxaki, yazi ukuba ezi ncoko aziyi kuba lula - kodwa kulungile. "Akunakuba mnandi, kwaye ukungonwabi akuthethi kubi," utshilo uWright. "Yile ndlela esikhula ngayo. Sikhula kuphela xa singakhululekanga. Kunqabile ukuba sikhule ukusuka kwimeko ekhoyo."

Uphengululo lwe