Njani Ukophuka kwesisu sam kundinyanzele ukuba ndijongane noMzimba wam iDysmorphia

Umxholo

• Ukujongana neMbali yam ende kunye neDysmorphia yoMzimba
• Ukwamkela uBomi kunye noMzimba wam njengoko bunjalo
• Uphengululo lwe

Ngentwasahlobo ka-2017, ngokukhawuleza, kwaye ngaphandle kwesizathu esihle, ndaqala ukujonga malunga neenyanga ezintathu ndikhulelwe. Kwakungekho mntwana. Zaqengqeleka iiveki ndivuka ndiqale ndijonge usana lwam. Kwaye yonke intsasa yayisekho.

Ndizamile indlela yam eqhelekileyo yokuphungula ingqolowa, ubisi, iswekile, notywala-kodwa izinto ziye zanda. Ngobunye ubusuku ndazibamba ngokuzithandela ndikhulula amaqhosha ejean phantsi kwetafile emva kwesidlo sangokuhlwa, kwaye ndoyiswa yimvakalelo yokugcwala ukuba ndibukele into engahambi kakuhle emzimbeni wam. Ndiziva ndindedwa, ndibuthathaka, yaye ndisoyika, ndenza idinga likagqirha.

Ngexesha lokufika kwedinga, bekungekho neempahla zam ezifanelekileyo, kwaye bendikulungele ukutsiba kulusu lwam. Ukuqunjelwa kunye nokuxinana bekungonwabisi kwaphela. Kodwa okuba buhlungu nangakumbi yayingumfanekiso endandiwenzile engqondweni yam. Engqondweni yam, umzimba wam wawulingana nendlu. Imizuzu engama-40 endiyichithe ndihamba neempawu zam kugqirha waziva ngathi ingunaphakade. Ndazazi iimpawu sele zikhona. Kodwa ndandingazi ukuba yintoni ephosakeleyo okanye ndenze ntoni ngayo. Ndandifuna isisombululo, ipilisi, a into ethile, ngoku. Ugqirha wam uyalele i-litany yegazi, umoya, iihomoni kunye novavanyo lwesitulo. Baza kuthatha okungenani inyanga.

Ngaloo nyanga, ndazimela emva kweehempe ezinamaqhina namaqhina esinqeni. Kwaye ndazohlwaya ngokuthintela ukutya ngakumbi, ukutya izinto ezimbalwa ngaphaya kwamaqanda, imifuno exubileyo, amabele enkukhu, kunye neeavokhado. Ndazirhuqa ukusuka kwinkqubo ukuya kwinkqubo, uvavanyo ukuya kuvavanyo. Malunga neeveki ezimbini ndingenile, ndabuya ekhaya ndivela emsebenzini ndifumanisa ukuba owasetyhini ococa indlu yam ngempazamo wayilahlile ikiti kuvavanyo lwam lwelindle. Bekuya kuthatha iiveki ukufumana enye. Ndawa phantsi ndisihla iinyembezi.

Xa iziphumo zovavanyo zibuyile ekugqibeleni, ugqirha wam wandibizela ngaphakathi. Ndandinetyala "elingalunganga" le-SIBO, okanye ukwanda kwebacteria emathunjini amancinci, yiyo kanye le nto ivakala ngathi. Umama wam wakhala iinyembezi zovuyo xa wafumanisa ukuba iyanyangeka, kodwa ndandinomsindo kakhulu ukubona ulayini wesilivere.

"Yenzeke njani le nto?" Ndiye ndazola njengoko ugqirha wam elungiselela ukuphinda ajonge isicwangciso sam sonyango. Wachaza ukuba yayilusulelo oluntsonkothileyo. Ukungalingani kokuqala kunokuba nokuziswa kukungabikho kwesifo somkhuhlane okanye ukutyhefa kokutya, kodwa ekugqibeleni ixesha lokugxininisa kakhulu yayilelona gwenxa. Ubuze ukuba ndine stress na. Ndiye ndakhulula intsini ebhuqa.

Ugqirha wam wandixelela ukuba ukuze ndibengcono, kuya kufuneka ndithobe izongezo ezilishumi elinambini mihla le, ndizitofe nge-B12 veki nganye, kwaye ndinqumle ukutya okuziinkozo, igluten, ubisi, isoyi, utywala, iswekile, kunye necaffeine ngokupheleleyo ekutyeni kwam. Emva kokuba egqithile kwisicwangciso, sangena kwigumbi lokubhalela ukubonisa i-B12 shots. Nditsale iblukhwe yam phantsi ndayohlala kwitafile yeemviwo, inyama yamathanga am ethe saa kubanda, isikhumba esincangathi. Ndiye ndalala, umzimba wam ufana nomntwana ogulayo. Uthe xa elungisa inaliti amehlo am agcwala inyembezi intliziyo yam yabetha ngamandla. (Eyeleleneyo: Kunjani ngokwenene ukuba kwiSidlo sokuphelisa)

Bendingoyiki ukudubula okanye ndikhathazekile malunga notshintsho kwindlela enditya ngayo ekufuneka ndiyenzile. Bendilila kuba bekukho ingxaki enzulu endinentloni zokuthetha ngayo, nditsho nogqirha wam. Inyani yile, ngendihambe ngaphandle kwegluten, ubisi, kunye noshukela ubomi bam bonke ukuba oko kuthetha ukuba ndingagcina ukubambeka kumfanekiso wam. Kwaye bendisoyika ukuba ezo ntsuku ziphelile.

Ukujongana neMbali yam ende kunye neDysmorphia yoMzimba

Ngalo lonke ixesha ndikhumbula, ndadibanisa ukuba mncinci nokuthandwa. Ndikhumbula ndixelela ugqirha kanye, "Ndiyathanda ukuvuka ndiziva ndingenanto." Ndandifuna ukungabinanto ukuze ndizenze mncinci kwaye ndiphume endleleni. Kwisikolo samabanga aphakamileyo, ndazama ukugabha, kodwa ndandingenabuchule kuko. Kunyaka wam wokugqibela ekholejini, ndaye ndancipha ndaya kwi-124 yeepawundi nge-5'9 ". Amarhe ajikeleza ubuqhetseba bam ukuba ndinengxaki yokutya. Udade endandihlala naye kunye nobugqwirha, owayendibukela rhoqo ethwele iqanda ngamaqhekeza eqhotsiweyo kunye nothosi webhotolo kwisidlo sakusasa I-nachos kunye ne-cocktails zeyure eyonwabileyo, zasebenza ukukhupha ii-whispers, kodwa ndandizithanda.

Eli nani, i-124, lajikeleza ngengqondo yam iminyaka. Ukuhamba okungaguquguqukiyo kwezimvo ezinje "Uyibeka phi?" okanye "Ndifuna ukubhitya njengawe" uqinisekise kuphela into endiyicingayo. Kwisemester yasentwasahlobo yonyaka ophakamileyo, umntu endifunda naye esikolweni wandixelela ukuba ndijonge "ukulanda svelte kodwa ndingathandi kakhulu." Ngalo lonke ixesha umntu ephawula ngomfanekiso wam, bekungathi kukudutyulwa kwe-dopamine.

Kwangaxeshanye, ndandikuthanda nokutya. Ndabhala iblogi yokutya eyimpumelelo iminyaka emininzi. Andizange ndibalwe iikhalori. Khange ndiwulolonge kakhulu. Abanye oogqirha bavakalise inkxalabo, kodwa andizange ndiyithathe ngokungathí sina. Ndasebenza phantsi kwemeko eqhubekayo yokuthintelwa kokutya, kodwa andizange ndicinge ukuba ndingu-anorexic. Engqondweni yam, ndandiphilile ngokwaneleyo, kwaye ndilawula kakuhle.

Ngaphezu kweminyaka eyi-10, bendinenkqubo yokuhlola ukuba ndilungile kangakanani. Ngesandla sam sasekhohlo, ndandiye ndifikelele emva kwembambo zam zasekunene. Bendigoba kancinane esinqeni kwaye ndibambe inyama engezantsi kwebhanti yam. Ukuzixabisa kwam konke bekusekwe kwinto endiziva ngayo ngalo mzuzu. Inyama enzulu kwiimbambo zam, ingcono. Ngeentsuku ezilungileyo, uvakalelo oluchaziweyo lwamathambo am ngokuchasene nomnwe wam, akukho nyama ikhupha ngaphandle kwebra yam, yathumela amaza ombulelo emzimbeni wam.

Kwilizwe lezinto endingenako ukuzilawula, umzimba wam ibiyinto enye endinokuyenza. Ukuba mncinci kwandenza ndanomdla ngakumbi emadodeni. Ukubhitya kwandenza ndanamandla ngakumbi phakathi kwabafazi. Ukukwazi ukunxiba iimpahla ezixineneyo kwandenza ndazola. Ukubona indlela endijongeke ngayo kwiifoto kundenze ndaziva ndomelele. Ukukwazi ukugcina umzimba wam ulungile, kunye, kwaye ucocekile undenze ndaziva ndikhuselekile. (Idibeneyo: ULili Reinhart wenza indawo ebalulekileyo malunga neDysmorphia yomzimba)

Kodwa emva koko ndagula, kwaye isiseko sokuzixabisa kwam-ixabiso elisekelwe ngokuyintloko ekuthandeni kwesisu sam-sawa.

U-SIBO wenze yonke into yaziva ingakhuselekanga kwaye ingalawuleki. Ndandingafuni ukuyokutya nabahlobo kuba ndisoyika ukuba ndingade ndibambelele kumthetho wam wokutya. Njengoko ndandiqunjelwe, ndaziva ndingathandeki kakhulu, ngoko ndayeka ukuthandana. Endaweni yoko ndasebenza ndalala. Qho ngeempelaveki ndandishiya isixeko ndisiya kwikhaya lam ebuntwaneni. Apho ndinokukwazi ukulawula into endiyityayo, kwaye kwakungekho mfuneko yokuba ndivumele nabani na andibone de ndibhitye ngendlela endifuna ukuphinda ndibe yiyo. Yonke imihla bendiyema phambi kwesipili kwaye ndivavanye isisu sam ukubona ukuba oko kuzibamba kuhlile na.

Ubomi baziva zingwevu. Okwesihlandlo sokuqala, ndabona ngokucacileyo indlela umnqweno wam wokubhitya owawundenza ndingonwabi. Ngaphandle ndandibhitye ngokugqibeleleyo kwaye ndiphumelele kwaye ndinomtsalane. Kodwa ngaphakathi ndandingakhululekanga yaye ndingonwabanga, ndibambelele ngokuqinileyo kubunzima bam kangangokuba ndandifuthaniseleka. Ndandigula ngokuzenza mncinci ukuphumelela ukuvunywa kunye nothando. Bendirhalela ukuphuma apho bendizimele khona. Ndifuna ukuvumela umntu-ukuba ekugqibeleni avumele wonke umntu-andibone njengoko ndandinjalo.

Ukwamkela uBomi kunye noMzimba wam njengoko bunjalo

Ekwindla emva kwexesha, njengoko bekuxelwe kwangaphambili ngugqirha wam, ndiye ndaziva ndiziva ndibhetele. Ngaphezulu koMbulelo, ndiye ndakwazi ukonwabela ukutya kunye nephayi yethanga ngaphandle kokuba isisu sam sivuthe njengebhaluni. Ndiye ndaphumelela kwiinyanga zezongezelelo. Ndandinamandla awoneleyo okuya kwiyoga. Ndaphinda ndaphuma sayotya nabahlobo.I-pizza kunye ne-pasta zazisekho etafileni, kodwa i-steak enetyiwa, imifuno yengcambu ebusiweyo, kunye netshokholethi emnyama yehla ngaphandle kwengxaki.

Ngexesha elifanayo, ndaqala ukuphinda ndiqwalasele ubomi bam bokuthandana. Ndandilungele uthando, kwaye okokuqala ngqa ixesha elide, ndiyazi. Ndandikulungele ukunandipha ubomi kanye njengoko babunjalo, yaye ndandifuna ukwabelana nabo ngaloo nto.

Kwiinyanga ezisibhozo kamva ndazifumana kumhla wokuqala kunye nomfana endadibana naye kwiyoga. Enye yezinto endandiyithanda kakhulu kuye yindlela awayekuthanda ngayo ukutya. Ngaphezulu komlilo oshushu, saxoxa ngencwadi endandiyifunda, Abafazi, Ukutya noThixo, nguGeneen Roth. Kuyo, ubhala athi: "Iinzame ezingapheliyo zokubhitya zikusa kude kwaye kude kude nento enokuphelisa ukubandezeleka kwakho: ukuphinda uqhakamshelane nomntu onguye ngokwenene. Indalo yakho yokwenyani. Umongo wakho."

Nge-SIBO, ndikwazile ukuyenza loo nto. Ndisenayo imihla yam. Iintsuku andikwazi kuzijonga espilini. Xa ndifika enyameni emqolo. Xa ndijonga ukubonakala kwesisu sam kuyo yonke indawo ebonakalisayo. Umahluko kukuba andihlali xesha lide kwezo loyiko ngoku.

Uninzi lweentsuku, andikhathazeki kangako malunga nokuba indlela yam ibukeka njani xa ndiphuma ebhedini. Andikuphepha ukulala ngesondo emva kokutya okukhulu. Ndade ndayeka umntu endithandana naye (yep, loo mntu) ukuba achukumise isisu sam xa sisonga kunye. Ndiye ndafunda ukonwabela umzimba wam ngelixa ndisaqhubeka nokusokola, njengoko uninzi lwethu lusenza, ngobuhlobo obunzima kunye nokutya.

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