Indlela yokujongana nokutshintsha kweMeko yoBuhlobo bakho

Umxholo

• Yintoni "igophe lobuhlobo"?
• Iziphumo ngokweemvakalelo zokuphulukana kwabahlobo
• Indlela Yokubomeleza Ubuhlobo Oseunabo
• Uphengululo lwe

Uyazikhumbula ezontanga zincinci zobuhlobo uzitshintshileyo ne-BFF yakho kwisikolo sebanga-mhlawumbi iziqingatha ezibini zentliziyo efunda "Ezona ziGqwesileyo" kunye "Nezihlobo," okanye izihombiso ze-yin-yang ezidibana ngokugqibeleleyo? Ngelo xesha, mhlawumbi awuzange uyicinge into yokuba ngenye imini ninokwahlukana okanye iminyaka engama-20 ningabi sabakho kwaphela kubomi bomnye nomnye.

Yintoni "igophe lobuhlobo"?

Inyaniso: Ubuhlobo buyaphela kwaye buhamba ubomi bakho bonke. Yile nto iingcali ziyibiza ngokuba yigophe lobuhlobo. Ngelixa ukumila ngqo kwale curve kunokujongeka kwahlukile kuye wonke umntu (cinga igrafu yomgca eceba ubuhlobo bakho ngokuhamba kwexesha), kukho uphando olungqiniweyo ukubonisa ukuba bonke ubuhlobo buhamba ngokuvela. Ngapha koko, olunye uphononongo lubonisa ukuba abantu bathatha indawo yesiqingatha sabahlobo babo abasenyongweni rhoqo emva kweminyaka esixhenxe, okuvakala kungqwabalala, kodwa xa uyeka ukucinga malunga nokuba zingaphi iinguqu ebomini kunye namanqanaba oye wawatyhutyha kule minyaka ilishumi idlulileyo uwedwa, iyaqala ukwenza ingqiqo. (Inxulumene: 'Indlela endiphulukene ngayo, kwaye ndaMfumana, uMhlobo wam osenyongweni')

Thatha umzekelo kum: Kule minyaka ilishumi idluleyo, ndiye ndaphumelela ekholejini, ndafudukela izihlandlo ezithathu, ndatshata, ndasebenza kwiinkampani ezintathu ezahlukeneyo ndaza ndaqalisa elam ishishini. Zonke ezi nguqulelo ziphambili kubomi bendalo zazinefuthe kubuhlobo bam-kwaye loo nto iqhelekile nokuba ubomi bakho buthini, utshilo uShasta Nelson, ingcali ngobuhlobo kunye nombhali wencwadi. Ukuthanda abantu.

Ngenxa yazo zonke ezi nguqu, kuyaqondakala ukuba abanye abahlobo baya kuba kunye nokukhwela, nangona ukuya kwiidigri ezahlukeneyo, ngelixa abanye banokuwa njengabahlobo ngokupheleleyo. Cinga ngoku: Xa usiya esikolweni, nokuba kuphambi kwe-K okanye kwikholeji, uchitha ixesha elininzi kunye noontanga bakho, kwaye oko kulingana nophuhliso olukhulu lobuhlobo, utsho uNelson. (Kukwanjalo ke nasemsebenzini kuba uchitha ixesha elininzi noogxa bakho.) Isifundo se-2018 esivela kwiDyunivesithi yaseKansas esivavanye ukusondelelana kobuhlobo sicebisa ukuba kuthatha iiyure ezingama-40-60 ezichithwe kunye ukwenza ubudlelwane nje nomntu; Iiyure ezingama-80-100 ukuya kwinguqu yokubizana ngomhlobo; kunye neeyure ezingaphezu kwama-200 ezichithwe kunye ukuze sibe ngabahlobo "abalungileyo". LIXESHA elininzi elo.

Ke kwenzeka ntoni xa ushukuma ngokwasemzimbeni ngaphandle kwabahlobo bakho abasenyongweni, kwaye awungeni kobuso ngobuso kwi-QT rhoqo? Ubuhlobo bakho nabo buxhomekeke ekubeni ungaqhubeka nokubeka iiyure ezaneleyo ukuze uhlale usazana kwelo nqanaba linzulu, utshilo uNelson. Sele utyale ixesha elininzi kobu buhlobo bukhoyo, unokucinga ukuba banokubaleka nje kwi-autopilot, kodwa basafuna ukukhathalelwa, utshilo uNelson. Ingumcimbi wokugcina uxhulumaniso oluninzi (ngokusebenzisa iifowuni, uhambo lwamantombazana, okanye ukujonga nje iitekisi) njengoko unako. Oko akuthethi ukuba akufanele uchithe ixesha lokuphuhlisa ubuhlobo obutsha-oko kubaluleke kakhulu, kakhulu-kodwa ukunikezela ixesha kubuhlobo bakho obukhoyo buba ngundoqo xa ungenakukwazi ukuba kunye ngokomzimba. (I-FYI: Nantsi indlela yokuphilisa ubuhlobo obuqhekekileyo.)

Enyanisweni, ixesha sesinye sezizathu zokuba, njengoko uneminyaka yobudala, unokufumana utyalo-mali kubuhlobo obusondeleyo abambalwa kunobudlelwane obuninzi obuqhelekileyo-umgangatho phezu kobuninzi, ukuba uyathanda. UNelson uthi: “Ukuba uneqela lobudlelwane obungakhe uzive ‘bunzulu ngokwaneleyo,’ yaye ungenzi msebenzi wenyameko wokondla olo lwalamano lunzulu, ekugqibeleni uphulukene nalo. Kwaye molo, masijongane nayo: Ixesha lakho liba lixabiso ngakumbi njengoko ubomi bakho buqhubela phambili kunye neeshedyuli ezixakekileyo, umsebenzi, ubudlelwane, kwaye mhlawumbi abantwana bafuna ingqalelo yakho-ngoko ufuna ukuqinisekisa ukuba usalathisa ixesha elincinci onalo kwizinto. oko kuya kukhokelela kulwaneliseko olukhulu.

Iziphumo ngokweemvakalelo zokuphulukana kwabahlobo

Ngaphandle kokwazi ukuba ubuhlobo bunako kwaye buza kutshintsha buze buphele, lonto ayenzi kube lula ukujongana nazo xa zisenzeka ezo zinto. Ukuhamba kwegophe lobuhlobo bakho kunokubangela uxinezeleko, uloyiko, usizi, isizungu, kwanokudakumba, utsho uErica J. Lubetkin, LMHC, ugqirha wezengqondo kwisiXeko saseNew York. Oku kuyinyani ngokukodwa kubantu ababenobuhlobo okwaxeshana okanye obungahambelaniyo njengabantwana abancinci, utshilo. "Amava [obuhlobo obuqhekekileyo okanye abulahlekileyo] atyhala amaqhosha okungazithembi kunye noloyiko lokulahleka kunye nokusisigxina." Ezi mvakalelo zinokuba mbi ngakumbi ukuba omnye umhlobo wenza imigudu yokugcina ulwalamano lomelele kodwa evakalelwa kukuba omnye uyaluyeka.

Nangona kunjalo, kukho iqhinga elibizwa ngokuba "kukwamkelwa okupheleleyo" elinokunceda, utshilo uLubetkin. Esi sisenzo sokwamkela ukuba ukulahleka kwabahlobo ngamava aqhelekileyo abantu njengoko ukhula, kwaye ubhiyozela ukukhula kobuhlobo obutsha nabantu abanezinto ozixabisayo kunye nomdla wakho ngoku, uyacacisa. (Idibeneyo: 4 Zonke-Izizathu ezizezona ziNyanisekileyo zabahlobo ziyaqhekeka kunye nendlela yokujongana)

Ke ngelixa unganyanzelekanga ukuba wonwabe ngobuhlobo obuphelileyo okanye obukude, unokufumana iindlela zokuhlangabezana kwaye ufumane uxolo. "Ukwamkelwa akuthethi isivumelwano," utshilo uLubetkin. "Sonke sifumana intlungu ebomini, kodwa sinokukuphepha ukubandezeleka. Kungaba ixesha lokusebenzisana namava ngendlela entsha, enempilo."

Ukwenza le IRL, zama ukuphonononga obu buhlobo bakho bakudala, kwaye ubhiyozele into onokuyifunda kubudlelwane ukuze ukhule ube ngumntu ongcono kunye nomhlobo kwixa elizayo. Ixesha lenguqu linokuba nzima, kodwa kubalulekile ukuba ukhumbule ukuba unakho ukuhlakulela ubuhlobo obunentsingiselo kubo bonke ubomi bakho, utshilo uLubetkin. Njengokuba ubomi bakho butshintsha, ngokunjalo nemilinganiselo yakho iyakufikelela kwinto oyifunayo noyifunayo kubuhlobo bakho. Xa uyijonga njalo, iba sisipho ukuze ukwazi ukuqhubeka kwaye uqale ukwakha ubuhlobo obutsha, obunentsingiselo njengoko ukhula, uyongeza.

Indlela Yokubomeleza Ubuhlobo Oseunabo

Ngelixa uqhubeka usiya kubuhlobo obudlulileyo yi-100 KULUNGILE, kuyinto yesiqhelo ukufuna ukuqhubeka nokukhula (okanye ukuvuselela) ubuhlobo osele ubuqalisile. (Emva kwayo yonke loo nto, ubudlelwane be-BFF bukhulisa impilo yakho ngeendlela ezininzi.)

Zintathu izinto kubudlelwane obusempilweni ezikwenza uzive umanyene kwaye uthembekile, utshilo uNelson. Okokuqala ukungqinelana nexesha elichithwe kunye: "Okukhona ubeka iiyure, kokukhona uziva ngathi unekamva kunye," utshilo. Okwesibini kukuba positivity: Kufuneka nizonwabele kunye ngaphandle koloyiko lokugwetywa kwaye nizive wamkelwe ngokuqinisekiswa okucacileyo. Icandelo lesithathu kukuba sesichengeni okanye la maxesha apho uziva ngathi ungabonisa umhlobo wakho ukuba ungubani kanye kanye okanye ucinga ntoni ngaphandle koloyiko lomgwebo okanye umgama.

UNelson uthi: “Nabuphi na ubuhlobo owakhe waba nabo busekelwe kwezo zinto zintathu, yaye naluphi na ulwalamano olungekho nzulu ngendlela ofuna ukuba lube njalo luthetha ukuba ayikho enye yezo zinto.

Yithi uziva unqanyuliwe kunabahlobo abambalwa obukade usondele kakhulu kubo (kwimeko yam, iintombi ezimbini ezitshatileyo emtshatweni wam). Phambi kokuba uyitshintshe ikhukhuluke okanye uzame nje ukubuyisela ezo zihlobo ngabantu abatsha, zibuze ukuba zeziphi kwezi zinto zintathu ezinokuba nefuthe elikhulu kubudlelwane bakho, utshilo uNelson.

Ukuba usilela kungaguquguquki ...Zama ukucwangcisa umnxeba weveki okanye wenyanga ukuze wazi kwakhona. Zibophelela kulungelelwaniso, okanye ujoyine into esele ihambelana. (Kulapho onke amacebo e-cheesy endlela yokwenza abahlobo njengomntu omdala engena, kodwa ithiyori yayo iyasebenza: Xa uyinxalenye yento esele isenzeka rhoqo, njengeqela loluntu okanye iqela lezemidlalo, kuthatha umsebenzi wokucwangcisa unxibelelwano ngokwakho.)

Ukuba awunayo i-positivity...Impazamo enkulu ongayenza ngokwakha nokugcina ubuhlobo kukufunda phakathi kwemigca kakhulu (ukuphakamisa isandla). "Apho uninzi lobuhlobo bethu busweleka kukuba sithathe ngokobuqu [ukuba omnye umntu] akasenzi isimemo, utshilo uNelson. "Siqala ukoyika ukuba abasithandi njengokuba sibathanda-kodwa inyani kukuba uninzi lwabantu alulungelanga ukuqalisa, kwaye uninzi lwabantu aluyazi indlela ekubaluleke ngayo ukungaguquguquki." Akuthandabuzeki ukuba kuyacaphukisa (kwaye kuyadinisa) ukuba ube ngumhlobo osoloko ezama ukwenza izicwangciso, kodwa yazi ukuba okukhona usenza, kokukhona ubuhlobo buya komelela kwaye bube nentembelo ngakumbi-ukuba nje bathi ewe. Ixesha elingaphezulu, umbuzo awufanelanga ukuba ube ngubani oqalileyo, kodwa ukuba nobabini nifumana ixesha lenu kunye linentsingiselo, utshilo uNelson.

Unokuqikelela ukuba imeko engaguquguqukiyo yobuhlobo yeyona inzima ukuyigcina, kodwa uNelson uthi abantu abaninzi bayasokola kakhulu nolwazelelelo. Izinto ezinje ngokunika iingcebiso ezingacelwanga kunokuba umamele nje kwaye ubekho emntwini, kunye nokuphazamiseka ngokulula kwifowuni yakho, unokufumana indlela yezo vibes zilungileyo, utshilo. (Qaphela ngokwakho: Ukuze ube ngumhlobo ongcono, phulaphula ngcono… kwaye uyibeke phantsi ifowuni yakho, nzulu.)

Ukuba awukho semngciphekweni ...esi siqalelo sithatha ixesha ukuphuhla. "Injongo ayikokuba semngciphekweni kwaye uxelele umntu yonke into, kodwa ukuyenza ngokuthe kratya, kwaye ube nomdla omnye komnye." (Idibeneyo: Ukuthanda Ukunyuka iiMayile ezingama-2,000 + noMhlobo wakho osenyongweni)

Ukuba unengxaki yokutshintsha ubuhlobo ngoku okanye uziva udimazekile yinkqubo yokuhlakulela ubuhlobo obutsha, yiba nokholo ukwazi ukuba awuwedwa. Xa ujonga ekunciphiseni ubuhlobo njengethuba lokukhulisa obo budlelwane kwezempilo okanye ukuhlakulela unxibelelwano olutsha oluya kuba nentsingiselo ngakumbi, unokuphakama ngaphezu kwentlungu.

Uphengululo lwe