Uthetha njani neqabane lakho malunga nexesha lakho lesondo

Umxholo

• Kutheni Kunzima Kangaka Ukuthetha Ngesondo?
• Indlela Yokuba neencoko zoBuntu Buntu Obu Buntu
• Kweliphi inqanaba kuBudlelwane onokuthi Ubuveze?
• Ungathetha Njani Ngendlela Eyomeleza I-bond Yakho
• Ukuba Iqala Ukuya Emazantsi...
• Qaphela: Akuyomfuneko ukuba Ubelane ngayo yonke into
• Uphengululo lwe

Ukuthetha ngembali yakho yesondo akusoloko kuhamba epakini. Ngeliphandle, inokuba yoyikeka i-AF.

Mhlawumbi igama lakho elibizwa ngokuba "linani" liphezulu "phezulu," mhlawumbi ubunezinto ezimbalwa, ukhe waba nomntu wesini esifanayo, okanye kwi-BDSM. Okanye, mhlawumbi ukhathazekile malunga nokungabikho kwamava ezesondo, ukuxilongwa kwe-STI edlulileyo, ukukhulelwa, okanye ukukhupha isisu owawuneminyaka embalwa edlulileyo. Imbali yakho yezesondo yeyobuqu kakhulu kwaye ihlala iza yandlalwe kwiimvakalelo. Nokuba unamava amangakanani, sisihloko esichukumisayo. Xa ufika ezantsi emathanjeni ayo, ufuna ukuziva unamandla, ubumnini bakho ngokwesini, kwaye ube ngumfazi we-esile okhulileyo ongenazintloni ngazo naziphi na izigqibo zakhe ... kodwa ufuna umntu onaye ukukuhlonipha nokuqonda. Uyazi ukuba umntu olungileyo akazukugweba okanye akhohlakele, kodwa ayenzi inyani yokuba amandla nakuphi na ukoyikisa kancinci.

Into eyenzekayo kukuba, kuya kufuneka uyenze le ncoko ekugqibeleni-kwaye ayizukuvela ngokungalunganga. Nantsi indlela yokuthetha neqabane lakho malunga nexesha lakho elidlulileyo lezesondo ngendlela eyakhayo neluncedo kuni nobabini (kunye nobudlelwane benu). Ngethemba, uya kuphuma kwelinye icala usondele ngenxa yoko.

Kutheni Kunzima Kangaka Ukuthetha Ngesondo?

Makhe sithethe kancinci malunga nokuba kutheni kusoyikisa ukuthetha ngesondo kwasekuqaleni; kuba ukwazi u "kutheni" kunokunceda "kanjani." (Njengeenjongo zokuzilolonga!)

“Kunzima ukuthetha ngembali yokwabelana ngesondo kuba abantu abaninzi bafundiswe ziintsapho zabo, inkcubeko yabo, nonqulo lwabo ukuba bangathethi ngayo,” utsho uHolly Richmond, Ph.D., ingcali yomtshato nosapho olunelayisensi.

Ukuba unokukhetha ukwala ezo zifundo zeentloni kunye nokungafaneleki, uya kuqala ukuziva unamandla kwaye uza kukwazi ukungena kuwe njengomntu okhululwe ngokwesondo. Ewe ukwenza loo nto ayisiyiyo ikhekhe; kuthatha itoni yokukhula kwangaphakathi kunye nokuzithanda. Ukuba awuziva ulapho, into yokuqala ekufuneka uyenzile kukufumana ugqirha olungileyo okanye umqeqeshi wesini oqinisekisiweyo onokukunceda ekukhokeleni kolu hambo. Yazi ukuba kuyakuthatha ukuzibophelela kunye nokusebenza; uneentloni zoluntu malunga nokwabelana ngesondo, uya kudinga uncedo oluncinci lwangaphandle ukukunceda ufike apho ufuna ukuya khona.

Xa uqala ukuqonda ukuba impilo yakho yezesondo ibaluleke kakhulu njengempilo yakho yengqondo kunye nengqondo, uya kuziva unamandla okuthetha malunga nento oyifunayo kwaye uyidingayo, utshilo uRichmond. (Jonga: Ungathetha njani neQabane lakho ngokufuna isondo ngakumbi)

Ukusuka apho, kuya kufuneka ufunde isethi entsha yezakhono zokunxibelelana ukuze uxoxe ngesondo kuba uninzi lwabantu aluzange lufundiswe ngokuchanekileyo ukuba neencoko ezisondeleleneyo. Kuqheleke kakhulu ukuba ube novalo malunga nomxholo ongawuqhelanga ukuwuveza-ngakumbi ngokuthetha nangomntu oqala ukukhulisa iimvakalelo zakhe, utshilo uKristine D'Angelo, umqeqeshi wesini oqinisekisiweyo kunye nesazi sezonyango kwezonyango.

Yiyo loo nto, nokuba uye wavuma ukuba unguthixokazi wesondo, obalaseleyo, ukuthetha ngesondo kusenokoyikisa. Ukuba novalo malunga nokwabelana ngesondo kunye nokuxhotyiswa ngesondo akuxhomekekanga omnye komnye; Banokuhlalisana ngaphakathi kwengqondo yomntu enzima kakhulu, kwaye kulungile.

Indlela Yokuba neencoko zoBuntu Buntu Obu Buntu

Ngaphambi kokuba ungene ekuthetheni malunga nexesha lakho lokwabelana ngesondo, zibuze ukuba uzama ntoni ukuphuma kule ncoko: Ngaba le yinto ekufuneka uyixele ukuze ufumane ukusondelelana ngokweemvakalelo okanye ukuze ubenobu buhlobo butsha? "Ukuba uyazi ukuba kutheni uqala incoko, kulula ukukhetha ixesha elifanelekileyo lokuthetha," utsho uD'Angelo.

Inketho 1: Incoko yonke ayidingeki ukuba yenzeke kwangoko, uyachaza uMoushumi Ghose, M.F.T., onelicence therapist. "Yilahla imbewu kwaye ubone ukuba impendulo ihamba njani," utshilo. "Qhubeka ulahla imbewu ngokungaguquguqukiyo ukuze uqiniseke ukuba ugcina incoko iqhubeka-oku kuvumela indawo yabo ukuba babuze imibuzo." Nje ukuba umntu aqalise ukubuza imibuzo, unokuyikhulula kwixesha lakho elidlulileyo lezesondo ngaphandle kokukhupha ulwazi oluninzi ngaphandle kwendawo. Umzekelo, ungakhankanya ukuba kwiminyaka embalwa edlulileyo wena kunye neqabane langaphambili benibuthathu; ukuba babuza imibuzo malunga nokudibana, ungabelana ngeenkcukacha ezithe kratya kunye nendlela oziva ngayo ngaloo mava.

Ukhetho 2: Enye indlela yokusondela kwesihloko kukuba nencoko ezinikezelweyo, yokuhlala phantsi. Kuxhomekeke kwinto ofuna ukwabelana ngayo kunye nenqanaba lakho lokuthuthuzela, unokuthatha isigqibo sokuba ngaba uziva ulungile kuwe. Ukuba kunjalo, uya kufuna ukuba kwindawo ekhuselekileyo apho nobabini ninokuba sesichengeni omnye nomnye (umzekelo: ekhaya, kunokuba kwindawo exineneyo apho abanye abantu banokumamela khona) kwaye unokufuna ukunika iqabane lakho iintloko phezulu ukuze bakwazi ukulungiselela ngokwengqondo ngokunjalo. "Yazisa iqabane lakho ukuba ungathanda ukubekela bucala ixesha elithile ukuze uthethe ngembali yakho yezesondo," ucebisa u-D'Angelo. "Yabelana ngesizathu sokuba uvakalelwa kukuba le iya kuba yincoko ebalulekileyo kwaye uvumele ukuba balungiselele ngokubanika izinto ezithile abanokucinga ngazo ngaphambi kwexesha elicwangcisiweyo lokuthetha."

Izimbo ubudlelwane zahlukile kwaye indlela ukhetha ukuba ezi ncoko subjective kubudlelwane bakho ethile. Nokuba yintoni na, cacisa into oziva ulungile ukuyityhila kwaye ungene kwincoko intloko yakho iphakanyiselwe phezulu. (Idibeneyo: Le ncoko yatshintsha ubomi bam besini ukuba ibe ngcono)

"Qiniseka ukuba uzisa umdla wakho kwimbali yesondo yeqabane lakho," utshilo uD'Angelo. "Ewe, ufuna ukuba bakuqonde ngcono kodwa ukuba nomdla kwimbali yabo yezesondo kuya kubanika ithuba lokuba bavuleleke kuwe, nabo.

Kweliphi inqanaba kuBudlelwane onokuthi Ubuveze?

Kukho inkxalabo ebanzi yokungafuni ukuveza "kakhulu, kungekudala kakhulu" kubudlelwane, kwaye imbali yezesondo yenye yezinto eziwela phantsi kwale ambrela.

Nangona kunjalo, ngaphambi kokuba ubelane ngesondo, kubalulekile ukuba uxoxe ngemida yakho yezesondo, uvavanyo lwe-STI, kunye neendlela zokwabelana ngesondo ezikhuselekileyo. Ukufumana ukhululekile ngale ncoko kuqala kuya kukumisela ukuba ube neengxoxo ezinzulu, ezinzulu malunga nexesha lakho elidlulileyo lezesondo kamva. Ngaphezu koko, nabani na ongayi kutyhila ulwazi lwakhe lwe-STI, ukusebenzisa iikhondom, okanye ukufumana i-cagey malunga nemida yakho ayingomntu ofuna ukulala naye-ezo kufuneka zingaxoxisani kwaye ziseke umgangatho wokuhloniphana.

Thetha malunga nexesha elidlulileyo lakho lezesondo xa incoko iza ngokwemvelo ekuqhubeleni phambili kobudlelwane-kuba iphantse ihlale ivela. Ngelo xesha, unako "ukulahla imbewu" kwaye ukhululeke kwisihloko, okanye unokuthatha isigqibo sokuhlala phantsi kwaye uthethe ngelinye ixesha.

Ekupheleni kosuku, ukulunga ngembali yakho yesondo ngokwakho yeyona nto ibaluleke kakhulu, Utsho uRichmond. "Ngokuqinisekileyo, kunokubakho amava amaninzi ongathanda ukuwenzela wona, kodwa ukuzenza ezo mpazamo kuyinxalenye yamava oluntu, kwaye ekupheleni kosuku, akunakubuyiselwa ekuphuhliseni ukuzazi kwakho."

Ukuba uziva uneentloni kakhulu malunga nantoni na kwixesha lakho elidlulileyo, cinga ukuthetha nomgqirha onokukunceda ukuba usebenze kuyo; ungazuza ngokuhlala ngaphandle kobudlelwane bezesondo de ube wenze ukuphiliswa kwangaphakathi.

Ungathetha Njani Ngendlela Eyomeleza I-bond Yakho

Ewe kunjalo, kukho uloyiko lokuba ukwabelana ngembali yakho yezesondo kunokukwenza ukuba wena okanye iqabane lakho nizive kakubi malunga nexesha eladlulayo elinokuthelekiswa lasendle okanye elingenjalo. Le yinkxalabo esebenzayo, kwaye ukuyigxotha akwenzi ukuba ihambe.

Kuqhelekile ukuba uzive ungonelanga, kungakhathaliseki ukuba yintoni inqanaba lamava akho-yiyo yonke into, wonke umntu uziva engafanelekanga kubathandi beqabane lakhe elidlulileyo, nokuba nje kancinci. "Kutheni? Kungenxa yokuba lonke iqabane lahlukile kwaye linokhetho olwahlukileyo," utshilo uGhose. Kulula ukuwela kumgibe wokuthelekisa kwaye uzixhase ngokuchasene "ne-Ex Babenabantu abathathu kunye" okanye "i-Ex ababeneminyaka eli-10 ubudala," kuba abantu bathambekele ekuzenzakaliseni. Umntu wakudala angaba nguthixo wesini omkhulu kunobomi, kwaye kulula ukuba woyike awuzukuphila nalo mntu (wasentsomini). (Eyeleleneyo: Ngaba ukuba ngumhlobo kunye nowakho wangaphambili ngumbono olungileyo?)

Into ebalulekileyo kukukhumbula ukuba iimvakalelo zokungafaneleki zihamba zimbini iindlela. Ukuthetha ngokukhululekileyo nangokunyaniseka kunokunceda. "Yazisa iqabane lakho ukuba uphilile okanye oko ukufundileyo malunga nawe kule minyaka idlulileyo, kwaye akufuneki bazive bediniwe okanye bengonelanga, utshilo uRichmond. "Ukuba uqinile kwisini sakho, kodwa [uhlala] uphakamile ukuba ufunde kwaye ube namava ngakumbi, ngethemba lokuba baya kululungela olo hambo nawe endaweni yokungena entlokweni yabo malunga noko bacinga ukuba banako okanye abanako ukukwenza ' t umnikelo. "

Sukuyenza incoko ibe "yinto enkulu," kodwa kunje ngani nobabini neembali zakho ezahlukeneyo. UD'Angelo ucebisa ukuba abuze:

• Amava akho esondo adlulileyo akufundise ntoni malunga nesondo sakho?
• Kutheni isondo libalulekile kuwe?
• Ziziphi iingxaki zesini okhe wajamelana nazo kwixesha lakho elidlulileyo?
• Amava akho esondo exesha elidlulileyo enze njani ukuba ungubani namhlanje?

“Ngokwabelana nabo ngale mibuzo uza kubanika ithuba lokwazi ukuba yintoni kanye kanye onethemba lokuyiphonononga kule ncoko,” utshilo. (Ungayiphonononga le mibuzo ngokuqala ijenali yokwabelana ngesondo ukunceda ukubonakalisa iingcinga zakho kunye neemvakalelo zakho.)

Ukuba Iqala Ukuya Emazantsi...

Ukuba ukhathazekile ngempendulo yeqabane lakho okanye iimvakalelo zakho, yazi ukuba kuluncedo ukwazisa ukuba incoko igxininise kuvelwano nokuba ~ kuyo kunye ~. Xa usiza kwindawo yokwabelana, inokwenza imeko iphele ngakumbi kwaye ikukhuthaze ukuba ukhule iivesi ezisondeleyo zize kwimeko evela kumacala achaseneyo.

Ukuba kukho into engahambi kakuhle okanye omnye umntu ugweba okanye ebuhlungu, eyona nto ingcono kukuba uthi, “Iyandikhathaza le nto. Le nto uyithethayo iyandikhathaza. Singafaka ipini kule nto? ” Thatha usuku lokucwangcisa, ukucamngca, kwaye ucinge ngento abayithethileyo kuwe. Khumbula ukuba ezi zihloko akukho lula ukuthetha ngazo kwaye ezi ncoko zinokuba nzima ngokweemvakalelo; akukho mfuneko yokuba omnye wenu azive enetyala ukuba anikwazi nje ukubethwa ngumoya ngaphambili ulwazi olubuthathaka. Ukuba ufuna ukunqumama kwaye uphinde uyikhuphe kwakhona, khumbula (kwaye ukhumbuze iqabane lakho) ukuba nobulali omnye nomnye.

Qaphela: Akuyomfuneko ukuba Ubelane ngayo yonke into

Oku kunokuvakala kuyinto engaqhelekanga, kodwa ayiloxanduva lakho ukutyhila yonke into malunga nexesha lakho elidlulileyo. Isimo sakho se-STI yinto enye, njengoko ibhekisa kukhuseleko lweqabane lakho ngokwesondo, kodwa elo xesha ubunayo i-orgy ayisiyonto uyiyo isidingo ukutyhila.

"Kukho umahluko phakathi kwemfihlo kunye nemfihlo. Wonke umntu unelungelo lokuzimela ngasese, kwaye ukuba kukho izinto ezithile zesondo lakho elidlulileyo ofuna ukuzigcina ziyimfihlo, kulungile," utshilo uRichmond. (Izinto ezi-5 onokuthi ungafuni ukuzixelela iqabane lakho)

Oku ayikokugcina iimfihlo okanye ukubambelela kwihlazo. Imalunga nokukhetha ukwabelana ngolwazi ofuna ukwabelana ngalo. Bubomi bakho kwaye ukuba awufuni ukuba iqabane lakho lazi malunga neklabhu yesini oye kuyo kwiminyaka yakho yamashumi amabini, lishishini lakho elo. Mhlawumbi uya kuthatha isigqibo sokwabelana ngeenkcukacha ezithe vetshe kamva endleleni. Mhlawumbi ngekhe. Nayiphi na indlela ilungile.

UGigi Engle yingcali yesini eqinisekisiweyo, utitshala, kunye nombhali wazo Zonke Iimpazamo zeF F: UkuKhokela kwezesondo, kuThando nakuBomi. Mlandele kwi-Instagram nakwi-Twitter ku @GigiEngle.

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