Ukwaphula iMartyr Complex

Umxholo

• Ngaba yinto efanayo nengqondo yexhoba?
• Ingaba ijongeka kanjani?
• Wenzela abantu izinto nangona ungaziva uxabisekile
• Uhlala uzama ukwenza kakhulu
• Abantu ochitha ixesha nabo bakwenza uzive umbi ngesiqu sakho
• Uhlala uziva ungonelisekanga emsebenzini wakho okanye kubudlelwane
• Unepateni yokukhathalela abanye kubudlelwane
• Imibuzo onokuzibuza yona
• Uziva ngathi akukho nto uyenzayo elungileyo
• Kutheni kuyingozi?
• Ubudlelwane obuqinisekileyo
• Utshe waphela
• Ukungabikho kotshintsho oluqinisekileyo
• Ngaba kunokwenzeka ukuba woyise?
• Sebenza kunxibelelwano
• Ingcebiso yepro
• Beka imida
• Yenza ixesha lokuzinyamekela
• Thetha nonyango
• Nawaphi na amacebo okujongana nomnye umntu?
• Cinga ngemvelaphi yabo
• Yiba nemfesane
• Beka imida
• Umgca wezantsi

Ngokwembali, umfeli-nkolo ngumntu okhetha ukunikela ngobomi babo okanye ajongane nentlungu kunye nokubandezeleka endaweni yokuyeka into abayigqala ingcwele. Ngelixa eli gama lisasetyenziswa ngale ndlela namhlanje, lithathwa ngentsingiselo yesibini ethe kratya kancinci.

Namhlanje, eli gama ngamanye amaxesha lisetyenziselwa ukuchaza umntu obonakala ngathi uhlala ehlupheka ngandlela thile.

Basenokuhlala benebali malunga nehaha yabo yamva nje okanye ukuzincama abakwenzele omnye umntu. Banokude bazibaxe izinto ezimbi ezenzekayo ukuze bafumane uvelwano okanye benze abanye bazive benetyala.

Isandi esiqhelekileyo? Mhlawumbi ucinga ngomhlobo okanye ilungu losapho - okanye nawe ngokwakho.

Funda ukuze ufunde ngakumbi malunga nendlela yokuqonda le mindset kunye nezixhobo zokoyisa.

Ngaba yinto efanayo nengqondo yexhoba?

Indawo yokufela ukholo inokubonakala ifana kakhulu nengqondo yexhoba. Zombini zihlala ziqhelekile kubantu abasindileyo ekuphathweni gadalala okanye kolunye uhlobo lomothuko, ngakumbi abo bangenakho ukufikelela kwizixhobo ezaneleyo zokujamelana.

Kodwa ezi ngqondo zimbini zinomahluko okrelekrele.

Umntu onesimo sengqondo sexhoba uziva engcungcuthekiswa yiyo nayiphi na into engahambi kakuhle, nokuba ingxaki, isimilo esikrwada, okanye ububi abujoliswanga kubo.

Basenokungabonisi mdla ungako ekuveni izisombululo ezinokubakho. Endaweni yoko, banokunika umbono wokufuna ukuzibandakanya kusizi.

Isakhiwo somfeli-nkolo sidlulela ngaphaya koku. Abantu abanobunzima bokufela ukholo abazive nje bexhoba. Ngokuqhelekileyo babonakala bephuma kwindlela yabo ukufumana iimeko ezinokubangela uxinzelelo okanye ezinye iintlungu.

Ngokuka Sharon Martin, LCSW, umntu onomfeli-nkolo "uncama iimfuno zakhe kwaye ufuna ukwenzela abanye izinto." Wongeza esithi "abancedi ngentliziyo evuyayo kodwa oko bakwenza ngokuzibophelela okanye ngokuziva benetyala."

Uqhubeka echaza ukuba oku kunokubangela umsindo, inzondo kunye nemvakalelo yokungabi namandla. Ixesha elingaphezulu, ezi mvakalelo zinokumenza umntu azive ebambekile, ngaphandle kokhetho lokuthi hayi okanye azenzele izinto.

Ingaba ijongeka kanjani?

Umntu osoloko ebonakala ehlupheka-kwaye kubonakala ngathi uyayithanda loo ndlela-unokuba nesakhiwo somfeli-nkolo, ngokuka-Lynn Somerstein, PhD. Le patheni yokubandezeleka kunokubangela iintlungu zomphefumlo okanye zomzimba kunye noxinzelelo.

Nanku ukukhangela kweminye imiqondiso yokuba wena okanye omnye umntu unokuba nobunzima bomfeli-nkolo.

Wenzela abantu izinto nangona ungaziva uxabisekile

Ukufuna ukunceda abo basondeleyo kuwe bacebisa ukuba unobubele kwaye unovelwano. Unokwenza ezi zinto ukuze uncede, hayi kuba ufuna abantu obathandayo bayiqonde imizamo yakho okanye ukuzincama okwenzileyo ngenxa yabo.

Kodwa kunceda nini ukucebisa ukuba ngumfel 'ukholo?

Abantu abaninzi abakhathazwa kukungabikho koxabiso baya kuyeka ukunceda. Ukuba unomdla wokufela ukholo, nangona kunjalo, ungaqhubeka nokubonelela ngenkxaso ngelixa ubonakalisa ubukrakra bakho ngokukhalaza, ngaphakathi okanye kwabanye, malunga nokusilela koxabiso.

Uhlala uzama ukwenza kakhulu

Ngamaxesha athile ukuthatha umsebenzi owongezelelweyo okanye ukwenza izibophelelo ezimbalwa kakhulu akuthethi ukuba ungumfeli-nkolo. Kodwa cinga ngokuba uyalwamkela rhoqo uxanduva olungafunekiyo kuwe.

Unokuziva ngathi akukho nto iya kwenziwa ngaphandle kokuba uyenze ngokwakho kwaye uyala naziphi na izibonelelo zoncedo. Nokuba uziva ucatshukiswa ngumsebenzi owongezelelweyo owenzayo, uyaqhubeka ukongeza umthwalo wakho xa ubuzwa. Usenokude uthandaze ngokuzithandela wenze okungakumbi.

Abantu ochitha ixesha nabo bakwenza uzive umbi ngesiqu sakho

Unomhlobo (okanye ababini) ongaziva mnandi nje ngokubona? Mhlawumbi bahlala befuna ubenzele izinto, wenze amagqabantshintshi, okanye bakugxeke.

Kwanaxa ubudlelwane obunetyhefu bukuseza, akusoloko kulula ukwahlukana nabo, ngakumbi xa omnye umntu eyilungu losapho okanye umhlobo osenyongweni. Kodwa cinga ngendlela ophendula ngayo kubutyhefu.

Impendulo eluncedo inokubandakanya ukumisela imida kunye nokwenza umgama phakathi kwakho nomnye umntu.

Kodwa ukuba uqhubeka rhoqo uchitha ixesha kunye nabo, kuphela xa ucinga ukuba uthetha okanye uthethe kakhulu malunga nendlela abakusokolisa ngayo, unokuba notyekelo lokufela ukholo.

Uhlala uziva ungonelisekanga emsebenzini wakho okanye kubudlelwane

Imisebenzi yokungazalisi ayiqhelekanga. Akuqhelekanga ukuba uphele kubudlelwane obubonakala ngathi abunakamva okanye busilela kuleyo ubuyicinga. Kodwa unokuthatha amanyathelo ukujongana nayo nayiphi na imeko ngexesha elithile kunye nomzamo.

Ukuba unomdla wokufela ukholo, ungayiqaphela le patheni yokungoneliseki kwiindawo ezahlukeneyo ebomini bakho. Usenokugxeka abanye malunga nalapho uphele khona, okanye ukholelwe ukuba ufanelwe yinto engcono ngenxa yokuzincama okwenzileyo endleleni.

Ukucinga ukuba abanye abakuqondi okanye abakuxabisi ukuzincama kwakho nako kunokuba negalelo kumsindo nakwinzondo.

Unepateni yokukhathalela abanye kubudlelwane

Ukujonga emva kubudlelwane obudlulileyo kunokukunceda uqaphele ukutyekela ukholo.

UPatrick Cheatham, PsyD, uthi: "Iimpawu ezimbalwa zobudlelwane zinokukhomba kulo mbandela." Olunye ulwalamano alulingani ngokwendlela, njengabazali abagcina abantwana. Okanye basenokungathandwa, njengokuhoya umntu ogula kakhulu. ”

Ukuba uqaphela utyekelo lokuzincama kulwalamano oluninzi ebomini bakho, inokuthi yalathe kumbandela wokufela ukholo.

Imibuzo onokuzibuza yona

Xa ujonga ubudlelwane bakho, uCheatham ucebisa ukuba uzibuze:

• Ngaba ungachaza ubudlelwane bakho ngokungalingani ngandlela thile? Mhlawumbi uziva ngathi konke okwenzayo kukukhathalela amaqabane enza kancinci ukuhlangabezana neemfuno zakho.
• Ngaba uziva unqongophele indawo yokuxoxa ngeemfuno zakho kunye nezinto ozifunayo?
• Ngaba uyakholelwa ukuba ukungazifezekisi iimfuno zeqabane lakho kungabeka ubudlelwane bakho emngciphekweni?

Cinga nangecala leemvakalelo lezinto. Ngaba uziva uxhaswa, ukhuselekile, kwaye uthandwa, kwanakumaxesha okungalingani? Okanye ngaba uziva ukrakra, unenzondo, okanye uphoxekile ngamaqabane?

Mhlawumbi ufuna ukuba bazive benetyala ngokungakuxhasi ngakumbi.

Uziva ngathi akukho nto uyenzayo elungileyo

Umntu onomdla wokufela ukholo unokuhlala efuna ukunceda, angaze aphumelele, kwaye azive esohlwaywa ngenxa yoko, utshilo uSomerstein.

Ngamanye amagama, kubonakala ngathi nokuba wenza ntoni na, abantu abayiqondi imigudu yakho yokunceda okanye iinzame zakho ziwa phantsi. Mhlawumbi babonakala ngathi bayacaphuka endaweni yokubulela.

Oku kunokukhathaza ngokwenene. Uzame konke okusemandleni akho, emva kwayo yonke loo nto, ke okuncinci abanokukwenza kukubonisa umbulelo. Ngenxa yokucaphuka kwakho, unokuba nomnqweno wokubenza bazive benetyala ngokungakuxabisi ukusebenza nzima kwakho.

Kutheni kuyingozi?

Utyekelo lokufela ukholo alunakubonakala ngathi yinto enkulu, kodwa banokuthatha uxinzelelo kubudlelwane bakho, impilo-ntle kunye nokukhula komntu.

Ubudlelwane obuqinisekileyo

Ukuhlala nomfeli-nkolo kunokwenza kube nzima kuwe ukuba uthethe ngokwakho.

Ngokuka-Martin, abantu abanomdla wokufela ukholo bahlala kunzima ukuba banxibelelane ngokucacileyo okanye ngokuthe ngqo, oko kukhokelela kwimicimbi yobudlelwane.

Endaweni yokuthetha ngokuphandle ngeemfuno zakho, unokusebenzisa ubundlongondlongo okanye ubenomsindo xa uqhubeka nokuginya ingqumbo yakho.

Ukuba ucinga ukuba wenze amadini amaninzi kumlingane okanye omnye umntu omthandayo, ungaziva unomsindo okanye ungoneliseki ukuba ababonisi mbulelo okanye banike inkxaso yabo njengembuyekezo.

Utshe waphela

"Abafeli-nkolo bayasokola ukubeka phambili iimfuno zabo," utshilo uMartin. "Abaziqhelanisi nokuzikhathalela, banokuphela bediniwe, begula ngokwasemzimbeni, bedandathekile, bexhalabile, benengqumbo, kwaye bengonelisekanga."

Ukuba uhlala unikezela ngexesha lakho ukunceda abanye, yenza ngaphezulu kokufuneka emsebenzini okanye ekhaya, okanye ungazifezekisi iimfuno zakho ngokubanzi, uya kuziva ukhululekile kwaye woyike ngokukhawuleza.

Nokuba imeko yakho yeemvakalelo inokuba negalelo ekudinweni. Ukuziva unomsindo kwaye ungoneliseki ixesha elininzi kunokukukhathaza kwaye kukudinise. Inokukugcina ekufumaneni uncedo.

Amaqabane, izihlobo, kunye nosapho bahlala benikezela ngemfesane, bancede kwimiceli mngeni, okanye banike iingcebiso neengcebiso. Kodwa ukuba uziva ukhathazekile kwaye ubathiyile abo usondele kubo, akunakufane ulwamkele uncedo lwabo.

Kwaye, ukuba uyaqhubeka nokulahla inkxaso yabo, banokugqibela ukuyeka ukunikezela.

Ukungabikho kotshintsho oluqinisekileyo

Isimo sokungoneliseki sihlala sihamba nesakhiwo somfeli-nkolo.

Umzekelo, unokuziva ubanjisiwe okanye unamathele emsebenzini wakho, kubudlelwane, okanye kubomi basekhaya. Ezinye zezi zinto zinokutshintsha njengokuba iminyaka idlula, kodwa ngandlela thile uphelela kwiimeko eziphazamisayo okanye ezingenambulelo amaxesha ngamaxesha.

Ulusizi, kodwa endaweni yokuthatha amanyathelo okuzenzela utshintsho, unokukhalaza, uzisole ngale meko, okanye usole abanye abantu okanye imicimbi. Nje ukuba uphume kwimeko enye engonelisi, unokuzifumana ukwenye entsha kungekudala.

Ngale ndlela, utyekelo lokufela ukholo lunokukubamba ungafezekisi okanye ufikelele kwiinjongo zakho.

Ngaba kunokwenzeka ukuba woyise?

Ubunzima bokufela ukholo bunokuthatha umthwalo omkhulu kubomi bakho, kodwa kukho iindlela zokoyisa.

Sebenza kunxibelelwano

Ukuba unomdla wokufela ukholo, kukho ithuba elihle lokuba ufumane umngeni ukubonisa iimvakalelo zakho kunye neemfuno zakho. Ukuphuhlisa izakhono zonxibelelwano ezinamandla kunokukunceda ube ngcono koku.

Ukufunda iindlela ezinemveliso zonxibelelwano kunokukunceda:

• kuthintele ukungaziphathi kakuhle
• bonisa iimvakalelo, ngakumbi ezo zokudana nengqumbo
• gcina iimvakalelo ezingakhiyo zingakhi

Ingcebiso yepro

Ngexesha elizayo xa uziva ungavakali okanye ungaqondwa kakuhle, zama ukuziveza usebenzisa u "Ndi" ukuzitsho ungakhange wenze omnye umntu azithethelele.

Yithi unomhlobo okumemela isidlo sangokuhlwa, kodwa bahlala bethembele kuwe ukuba ufumane iresiphi kwaye wenze konke ukuthenga.

Endaweni yokuthi "Undenza ndenze wonke umsebenzi onzima, ngoko ayindonwabisi," ungathi "Ndiva ngathi ndihlala ndiphela ndisenza umsebenzi wokukrokra, kwaye andiqondi ukuba kulungile."

Beka imida

Ukunceda abahlobo kunye nosapho kunokuba kubalulekile kuwe. Kodwa ukuba ufikelele kumda wakho (okanye sele uthathe okungaphezulu kunokubamba ngokulula), kulungile ukuthi hayi. Ngokwenene, kunjalo.

Ukuzitshisa akuyi kukunceda umthwalo wakho osele unzima, kwaye kunokunyusa iimvakalelo zomsindo kamva. Zama ukwala ngentlonelo endaweni yoko.

Ungayithambisa ngengcaciso, kuxhomekeke kubudlelwane bakho nomntu ocelayo. Khawukhumbule ukuba akukho nto iphosakeleyo ngokunyamekela iimfuno zakho kuqala.

UMartin uthi: "Kubalulekile ukuqala ukungavumi kwizinto eziphazamisa iimfuno zakho okanye ezingahambelani neenqobo zakho okanye iinjongo zakho."

Yenza ixesha lokuzinyamekela

Ukuzikhathalela kunokubandakanya:

• ukhetho lwezempilo olusebenzayo, njengokulala ngokwaneleyo, ukutya ukutya okunesondlo, kunye nokukhathalela impilo
• ukwenza ixesha lokonwaba kunye nokuzonwabisa
• ukuthathela ingqalelo impilo-ntle yakho yeemvakalelo kunye nokujongana nemiceli mngeni evelayo

Thetha nonyango

Ukusebenza ngokuthanda kwakho ngokwakho kunokuba nzima. Inkxaso yobungcali inokufumana izibonelelo ezininzi, ngakumbi ukuba ufuna ukufunda ngakumbi ngezizathu ezingunobangela wokuziphatha kokuzincama.

UCheatham ucacisa ukuba kunyango unga:

• jonga ubudlelwane bakho
• khulisa ulwazi malunga neepateni ezibandakanya ukuzincama
• gqamisa kwaye ucelomngeni kulo naluphi na uqikelelo olujikeleze ukubaluleka kwakho kunye nentsingiselo yobudlelwane
• zama iindlela ezahlukeneyo zokunxibelelana nabanye

Nawaphi na amacebo okujongana nomnye umntu?

Ukuba uyamazi umntu othanda ukwenza into njengomfeli-nkolo, usenokuziva ukhathazekile kukuziphatha kwabo. Mhlawumbi ukhe wazama ukunika iingcebiso, kodwa bayayichasa imizamo yakho yokunceda. Ingaziva ngathi bafuna ukukhalaza.

Ezi ngcebiso azinakutshintsha omnye umntu, kodwa zinokukunceda uphuhlise umbono kubo ongakubangeli ukukhathazeka okungako.

Cinga ngemvelaphi yabo

Inokukunceda ukugcina engqondweni ukuba uninzi lwezinto ezinzima zinokudlala kule mindset.

Ngelixa umntu enokufunda ukujongana nokuziphatha okuhlala kusenzeka ngenxa yokufela ukholo, bahlala bengenalo ulawulo olukhulu malunga nendlela olu tyekelo lwakhula ngayo kwasekuqaleni.

Ngamanye amaxesha, izinto zenkcubeko zinokuba negalelo kutyekelo lokufela ukholo. Kwabanye, amandla osapho okanye amava obuntwana angadlala indima.

Yiba nemfesane

Kusenokungafuneki ukuba uqonde izizathu zokuziphatha kwabo ukuze ubekhona xa umthandayo. Kuhlala kukwanele ukubonelela ngovelwano kunye nenkxaso.

"Yiba nobubele rhoqo," kukhuthaza uSomerstein.

Beka imida

Oko kwathethi, inceba akufuneki ibandakanye ukuchitha iitoni zexesha nomntu.

Ukuba ukuchitha ixesha kunye nomntu kukudibanisa, ukunciphisa ixesha olichitha kunye kunokuba yinto efanelekileyo. Ukuseta uhlobo oluthile lomda kunokukunceda ukuba ubonise ububele novelwano ngakumbi xa yenza yabelana ngendawo naloo mntu.

Umgca wezantsi

Ubomi bokuzeka kade umsindo bunokuthatha umthwalo, ubudlelwane bakho kunye nempilo yakho. Nokuba awuyiqondi ngokupheleleyo ingcambu yotyekelo lwakho lomfeli-nkolo, usenokuthatha amanyathelo okutshintsha le ngqondo kwaye uyigcine ekubeni nefuthe elibi kubomi bakho.

Ukuba unobunzima bokwazi ukuba ungaqala ngaphi ngokwakho, cinga ukuthetha nengcali yezempilo yengqondo enokukunceda uphonononge ezi patheni ngokunzulu.

UCrystal Raypole wayekhe wasebenza njengombhali kunye nomhleli weGoodTherapy. Amacandelo akhe anomdla abandakanya iilwimi zaseAsia kunye noncwadi, uguqulelo lwaseJapan, ukupheka, isayensi yendalo, ubungqingili besini, kunye nempilo yengqondo. Ngokukodwa, uzibophelele ekuncedeni ukunciphisa ukubekwa amabala malunga nemicimbi yezempilo yengqondo.