Ngaba Ukuhamba kunye Konakalisa Ulwalamano Lwakho?

Umxholo

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Ngaphambi kokuba sitshate, mna nomyeni wam sasayina into eyayibonakala ngathi siseshoni yonyango lwangaphambi komtshato-isemina yemihla ngemihla kwiimfihlelo zomanyano olonwabisayo, egqibeleleyo ngemithambo yolawulo lwempixano kunye neengcebiso zesondo. Ndaziva ngathi ndingumfundi weenkwenkwezi kwigumbi-emva kwayo yonke loo nto, ndandingumhleli wezesondo-de umqeqeshi wethu aqalise ukukrokrela iingozi zokuhlala kunye ngaphambi kokuba athi "ndiyayenza." Ubungqina bakhe: kwizifundo ezimbalwa ezidlulileyo ezibonisa ukuba abantu abatshatileyo abahlalisanayo ngaphambi komtshato kunokwenzeka ukuba baqhawule umtshato. Ndalaqaza ngobukreqa egumbini, ndinethemba lokubona abanye abantu benetyala endisazi ukuba ligutyungelwe ebusweni bam.

Mna nomyeni wam sahlala sobabini kwiinyanga nje ezintathu ngaphambi kokuba sibethwe. Kwaye, ukuba uthetha noososayensi abaphanda ngokuhlalisana, siyenze ngezizathu ezingezizo: bendidiniwe kukuqhuba imizuzu engamashumi amabini ukuya kwindawo yakhe, indawo yam yokuhlala ineencukuthu, kwaye ndonga phantse iwaka leerandi ngenyanga. . Ngamanye amazwi, asizange siyenze loo nto kuba sasingakwazi ukunyamezela ukwahlukana kangangeentsuku ezingama-90.

Into ebesiyenzela yona: Besele sitshatile. Besingabelani ngedilesi njengendlela yokuvavanya ubudlelwane bethu-okuthi, ngokukaScott Stanley, Ph.D., umlawuli oncedisayo weYunivesithi yaseDenver's Centre for Marital and Family Studies-kakhulu esona sizathu sibi sokwenza ityotyombe. phezulu. "Isizathu [sokuhlala kunye] sibaluleke kakhulu," ugxininisa. Kwisifundo sango-2009, iqela lakhe lafumanisa ukuba abantu abangena kunye "njengomtshato wesilingo" bathande ukuba nonxibelelwano oluhlwempuzekileyo, amanqanaba asezantsi okuzinikela, kunye nokuzithemba okuncinci kumandla obophelelo lwabo.

Eyona ndawo incangathi: Xa ningena kunye-kwaye awusekho kwindlela eya emtshatweni-ngaxeshanye ucinga ukuba ngubani ococa izindlu zangasese kunye nendlela yokwahlula irente, ngelixa uthatha isigqibo sokuba ukhona Kukuhamba ixesha elide, utshilo uStanley. Ngokwesiko, abantu abatshatileyo akufuneki bahlukane nemisebenzi de babotshelelwe-kodwa kule meko, ujonga imiqobo emibini ngexesha elinye, ngaphandle kokuqinisekiswa kwendandatho emnweni wakho.

Ukuba ukuhlala kunye akulonwabi njengoko bekulindelwe, isisombululo esicacileyo kukwahlukana nje. Ingxaki kukuba, kunzima kakhulu ukuyenza. "Abantu abaninzi bakholelwa ukuba ukuhlala kunye kwangaphambili kunokuwomeleza umtshato," utshilo u-Anita Jose, Ph.D., ugqirha wezengqondo kwiziko lezonyango laseMontefiore. "Nangona kunjalo, ukuhlala kunye kuthetha ukuba abantu baqala ukwabelana ngezilwanyana ezifuywayo, imali yokubambisa, izivumelwano, kunye nezinye izinto ezisebenzayo ezenza kube nzima ukuphelisa ubudlelwane obunokuthi buphele."

Iziphumo eziqheleke kakhulu? Izibini ezingonwabanga zihlala phantsi kophahla olunye-kwaye ekugqibeleni, zinokude zitshate, kuphela kuba kubonakala kuyinto efanelekileyo ukuyenza emva kweminyaka emihlanu sihlala kunye. UStanley unegama lale meko: "ukutyibilika xa kuthelekiswa nokuthatha isigqibo."

Nangona ezi ziphumo zoyikisayo, kukho uphando lwakutsha nje olubonisa ukuba ukuhlala kunye akubikho konke-ukuba ezinye izibini ezihlala kunye zihamba kunye nabo bangabelani ngebhedi de bathi, "Ndiyayenza." Uphononongo lwase-Australia, olupapashwe kwi Ijenali yoMtshato noSapho, bade bafumanisa ukuba ukuhlala kunye ngaphambi komtshato kunciphisa umngcipheko wokwahlukana. Inkcazo enye: Xa uninzi lwabantu abangatshatanga elizweni bekhetha ukuhlala kunye, iziphumo ezibi zinokuqala ukubhubha. "Ukuphikisana kukuba ukuhlala kunye ngekwakungazange kube yingozi ukuba bekusoloko kwamkelwe-ukuba akuhlali kunye okwenzakalisa izibini. Yihlazo lokuhlala kunye. Abantu babajongele phantsi," utshilo uStanley.

Oko kwathiwa, usacinga ukuba imizabalazo enxulumene nokuhlala kunye-okanye ukungabikho kwayo-kubilisa ukuzibophelela. Ukuhlala kunye akuxeleli nto malunga nendlela abazimisele ngayo abatshatileyo, utshilo. "Kodwa ukuba bayabandakanyeka okanye baceba ikamva-akufuneki kube ngumtshato-okuxelela itoni malunga nesi sibini." Ngamanye amagama, ukuba sele ulicingile ikamva lakho kunye, ukuhlala kunye akunakulimaza amathuba akho omtshato ophumeleleyo. Uhlolisiso lubonisa ukuba izibini ezithembisene ngomtshato ezihlala kunye zinandipha iingenelo ezifanayo—ukwaneliseka, ukuzibophelela, ukungavisisani—njengabantu abalinda de batshate ukuze bangene.

Ke ungaqiniseka njani ukuba ungomnye wabantu abahlala kunye abathi ekugqibeleni babanjwe ngolonwabo? "Ngaphezulu kweepesenti ezingama-50 zezibini ezitshatayo ezingathethi malunga nokuba kuthetha ntoni," utshilo uStanley. "Nindawonye nobusuku obune ngeveki, emva koko ezintlanu, kwaye nishiya ezinye iimpahla, ibhrashi yamazinyo, itshaja ye-iPhone. Emva koko ukuqeshisa komntu kuphakanyisiwe kwaye ngokukhawuleza nihlala kunye. Akukho ngxoxo, akukho sigqibo." Kutheni le nto kuyingozi: Unokuba nolindelo olwahluke ngokupheleleyo, olunokukumisela ukuphoxeka, utshilo uJose. Ngaphambi kokuba utyikitye isivumelwano sengqeshiso, yabelana ngokucacileyo ukuba ucinga ukuba intshukumo ithetha ntoni: Ngaba uyayibona le njengenyathelo elibheke esibingelelweni- okanye yindlela nje yokonga imali? Emva koko cela umntu wakho ukuba enze okufanayo. Ukuba unemibono eyahlukileyo ngokupheleleyo, jonga kwakhona ukwabelana ngedilesi, utshilo uStanley. Kwaye ngaphambi kokuthatha inyani, thatha isigqibo sokuba ngubani owenza imisebenzi kwaye uza kuyenza njani uxanduva lwakho lwezezimali, utshilo uStanley. Owona mzuzu ungathandekiyo xa umlungiseleli ezisa itsheki yakho? ("Ngaba ndihlawula isiqingatha?") Uyakufumana amaxesha alishumi xa kufika ityala lokuqala lombane-kwaye awukabinaso isigqibo sokuba ngubani ohlawula ntoni.

Ngokubhekisele kum-umntu owayehlala kunye naye owenza izinto ezingalunganga, ngokulungelelene ekunene, emehlweni weengcali? Unyaka omnye neentsuku ezili-112 sitshatile (ewe, ndiyabala), ndinovuyo lokunikela ingxelo yokuba mna nomyeni wam asizange sibe ngomnye wamanani esalunyukiswa ngawo kwiklasi yethu yangaphambi komtshato. Sisindile, kwaye nangcono, siye saphumelela. Ngapha koko, emva komtshato, ndafumanisa ukuba siyakwazi ukonwabela umtshato wethu omtsha, ngaphandle kokufumanisa ukuba ngumsebenzi kabani ukukhupha ibhokisi yenkunkuma (yakhe, BTW). Iikinks zobukho bethu bobabini sele zilungisiwe, ezishiya kuphela ukuba sonwabe emtshatweni wethu.

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