Ngaba uwedwa okanye ulilolo?

Umxholo

• Uphengululo lwe

Ayothusi into yokuba ngakumbi nangakumbi kuthi sizifumana sinesithukuthezi. Asibazi abamelwane bethu, siyathenga kwaye sincokole kwi-Intanethi, kubonakala ngathi asinaxesha laneleyo lezihlobo zethu, sisebenza sodwa sinxibe ii-headphones ezigcina ihlabathi lingaphandle, sitsiba-tsiba ukusuka emsebenzini ukuya komnye, kwisixeko ukuya kwesinye.

"Abantu abaninzi namhlanje baphela bengamalolo," utshilo uJacqueline Olds, MD, isekela likanjingalwazi wezonyango lwezifundo zengqondo kwiHarvard Medical School kunye nombhali-mbhali wencwadi Ukoyisa isithukuthezi kubomi bemihla ngemihla (Birch Lane Press, 1996). "Inyaniso yokuba abantu bahamba kakhulu kwaye banexesha elincinci lokuzinikela ukugcina unxibelelwano lwabo lwentlalo luphela luyintlekele."

Sithanda ukuhlala sodwa: Ngo-1998, owona nyaka uphelileyo ekufumaneka kuwo idatha, ama-26.3 ezigidi zabantu baseMelika bahlala bodwa - ukusuka kwizigidi ezingama-23 ngo-1990 kunye ne-18.3 yezigidi ngo-1980. Inkcubeko yethu yaseMelika igxininisa ukubaluleka kokuzimela, ukuzimela. , ukuzithemba. Kodwa ngeliphi ixabiso? Ezi zizimpawu ezifanayo ezinokukhokelela kunxibelelwano oluncinci nabanye abantu.

Namhlanje, uOlds uthi, uninzi lwethu lubonakala ngathi lusokola kakhulu kwinkululeko. Njengomzekelo ogqithileyo, ucaphula ulutsha oluncinci olubeka iColumbine High School kwimephu. Ngamnye kubo wayebonakala engabantu abanesithukuthezi kakhulu, uthi, "kwaye babesoloko bekwimiphetho; akukho mntu wakha wabamkela ngokwenene."

Eyona nto ixhaphakileyo yile: Xa ukwisikolo samabanga aphakamileyo nasekholejini, ujikelezwe yimithwalo yabahlobo abanokuba ngabahlobo. Naphi na apho ujonga khona, ufumana abantu abalingana nawe abaneemvelaphi ezifanayo, izinto abanomdla kuzo, iinjongo kunye neshedyuli. Ubudlelwane kunye nobudlelwane banexesha lokudlala. Kodwa nje ukuba ushiye ukuqheleka kwesikolo ngasemva kwaye ungene kwihlabathi labantu abadala-ngamanye amaxesha kwisixeko esitsha, nomsebenzi omtsha, onoxinzelelo phakathi kwabantu abatsha-ukufumana abahlobo kuya kuba nzima.

Ibala lokuba lilolo

“Akukho mntu ufuna ukuvuma ukuba ulilolo,” utsho uOlds. "Ubulolo yinto abantu abayidibanisa naboyisiweyo." Nakwiseshini yonyango yabucala, uOlds uthi, abaguli bakhe abafuni ukuvuma ukuba baziva bengamalolo. "Abantu beza kunyango bekhalaza ngokungazithembi, xa ingxaki isithukuthezi. Kodwa abafuni ukuyihlawula ngolo hlobo kuba beneentloni. Abasoze bafune nabani na azi ukuba banesithukuthezi, kwaye baya andinalo naluphi na ulwazi lokuba abanye abantu abaninzi baziva benesithukuthezi, nabo."

Isizungu libala elinjalo, enyanisweni, lokuba abantu baya kuba nayo kwiipoll ezingaziwayo, kodwa xa bebuzwa ukuba banike amagama abo, baya kukhetha ukuvuma endaweni yoko ukuba banelisekile, ababi nesithukuthezi. Noko ke, ukuvuma ukuba ulilolo—kwaye ukwazi ukuba isithukuthezi sixhaphake kakhulu—kunokuba linyathelo lokuqala ekusombululeni ingxaki. Inyathelo lakho elilandelayo kukuzama ukudibana nabantu unento efana nabo.

Sinesithukuthezi ngakumbi, kodwa asikho sodwa

Ukwenza unxibelelwano olutsha njengomntu omdala akukho lula njengoko kwakunjalo xa wawusemncinci, njengoko uCarol Hildebrand waseWellesley, Mass., Uya kungqina. Kwiminyaka nje embalwa edlulileyo, xa wayekwiminyaka yakhe yokuqala yama-30, u-Hildebrand wazibona enesithukuthezi njengoko uninzi lwabalingane bakhe abahamba intaba kunye nokusenkampini babetshata kwaye benabantwana.

"Abahlobo bam bebengenalo ixesha lokuya kukhempisha ebusika," utshilo uHildebrand, umhleli wephephancwadi lobuchwephesha beshishini kwindawo yaseBoston. "Ubomi babo babutshintshile. Ndandinokuphulukana nabahlobo ababengatshatanga nababenexesha lam," utshilo uHildebrand.

Uninzi lwethu olukwiminyaka yethu yama-30 luye lwanamava afanayo. Kodwa akunakwenzeka ukwenza abahlobo abatsha-kuya kufuneka wazi apho ujonge khona. Nazi ezinye iingcebiso malunga nokunxibelelana nabanye kunye nendlela yokwenza unxibelelwano osele unzulu kulo:

1. Cela uncedo oluncinci. "Abantu abaninzi baseMelika baziva bengakuthandi ukucela uncedo kunye nokuqala umjikelo wokubuyela ekuncedaneni," yatsho i-Olds yaseHarvard. Kodwa ukuba uthi, "uboleke iswekile" kummelwane wakho, uya kuthi akubuze ukuba unkcenkceshele izityalo zakhe xa engekho. Ngokuhamba kwexesha, niza kuthembela omnye komnye ukuze nifumane uncedo (ukukhwela ukuya kwisikhululo seenqwelomoya?) kwaye ubuhlobo busenokwakheka.

2. Mhlawumbi iqabane lakho elifanelekileyo okanye umhlobo akufanele abe neminyaka eyi-28 ubudala, ikholeji-efundileyo, engatshatanga, i-owl yasebusuku e-heterosexual ethanda uLyle Lovett, ukutya kweVietnam kunye ne-kayaking yolwandle, njengawe. Ukuzibekela umda kwikopi yekhabhoni yakho kusenokuthetha ukuphoswa ngabahlobo abakhulu. Vuleleka kubuhlobo nabantu beminye iminyaka, imvelaphi yenkolo, ubuhlanga, iincasa, umdla kunye nokuthambekela kwezesondo.

3. Abasetyhini abaninzi baziva bengamalolo kuba abanamdla wokuzalisa ixesha labo bodwa. Thatha umsebenzi wokuzilibazisa onokuwenza wedwa--ukupeyinta, ukuthunga, ukuqubha, ukudlala ipiyano, ukubhala kwijenali, ukufunda ulwimi lwasemzini, ukukhwela intaba, ukufota (wonke umntu uyathanda ukwenza into) -- ke uya kuziva ngakumbi. ukhululekile xa uwedwa. Kwaye khumbula oku: Okukhona unomdla wokuzonwabisa, kokukhona uya kuba nokwabelana ngezinto ezifanayo kunye nabanye kwaye okona unomdla ngakumbi uya kuba nabahlobo abatsha.

4. Nayiphi na iprojekthi ekwabelwana ngayo inakho ukukhokelela kubuhlobo, ke khetha isizathu okholelwa kuso kwaye uqale ukucwangcisa. Joyina iphulo lezopolitiko lasekuhlaleni okanye iqela lokusingqongileyo; ukunyusa ingxowa-mali yesisa; cwangcisa i-10k; yenza intsebenziswano yokuhlala nosana nabanye oomama; Amavolontiya kwinkonzo yoluntu njengokufundisa abantwana ukufunda okanye ukucoca iipaki zasekuhlaleni. Unokwenza unxibelelwano olunzulu xa uhlala nabantu abaneengqondo ezifanayo.

Kwakhona khumbula oku: Ukwenza abahlobo kuthatha ixesha, ngoko khetha umsebenzi oza kuhlala ixesha elide. (Ungathatha iklasi okanye ujoyine iklabhu- ubugcisa, ezemidlalo, imidlalo yeqonga, intenetya, nokuba yintoni-apho uya kudibana nabantu ababelana ngemidla yakho.)

5. Buza umntu okwiklasi yakho ye-yoga (okanye iofisi okanye isakhiwo seflethi ... ) ngaphandle kwekofu. Ukuba uthi hayi, mbuze ukuba angathanda na ukuya ngelinye ixesha. Ukuba uthi uxakeke kakhulu, sukucinga ukuba uzithethelela kuba akakuthandi. Usenokuba uxakeke kakhulu ukuba angakwazi ukwenza abahlobo abatsha. Yiya komnye umntu, kwaye ungayithathi ngokwakho le nkcaso. Nantoni na oyenzayo, nangona kunjalo, qala encinci - ungamemi umntu osandula ukudibana naye ukuba aye kuskiya kwimpelaveki.

UMary Ellen Copeland, M.S., M.A., umhlohli wezigulo zengqondo nombhali uthi: “Kulula kakhulu kuye wonke umntu obandakanyekileyo ukuba kuhamba kancinane. Incwadi Yomsebenzi Wobulolo (Upapasho olutsha lweHarbinger, 2000). "Abantu abaninzi banemiba ethembeni. Bakhe benzakaliswa ngandlela thile ngumntu, ke baya kubuya umva kubuhlobo obakha ngokukhawuleza."

6. Kukho iqela lenkxaso yomntu wonke -- oomama abatsha, abazali abangenamaqabane, iindlamanzi, abanini bamashishini amancinci, abanesifo seswekile nabatya kakhulu, ukukhankanya abambalwa. Joyina enye. Ukuba kukho iqela elixhasa iimfuno okanye umdla wakho, lizame. Abantu abadala bacebisa iiToastmasters, ezinezahluko phantse kuzo zonke iidolophu zaseMelika. Abathathi-nxaxheba bayahlangana rhoqo ukuziqhelanisa nokuthetha esidlangalaleni. I-Toastmasters itsala abantu bayo yonke iminyaka kunye nazo zonke iindlela zobomi, kwaye ayibizi.Ungadibana nabantu abamangalisayo ngale ndlela, abantu abadala bathi. Jonga kwiWebhu; okanye ukuba awukwazi ukufumana iqela elifanelekileyo, cinga ukuqala eyakho.

7. Funa ingcali yokunyanga ukuze wakhe ukuzithemba kwakho. "Abantu abaziva kakubi ngokwabo bavame ukuba nzima ukufikelela kunye nokwenza abahlobo kunye nokuba nabantu, ngoko bahlala benesizungu," kusho uCopeland. Ukuba nguwe lo, fumana umnyangi onokukunceda ukuba uzijonge ngendlela eyahlukileyo.

Ngokubhekisele kuCarol Hildebrand, wajonga unxibelelwano olutsha kwiindawo ezimbini. Okokuqala, wajoyina i-Appalachian Mountain Club, exhasa ukunyuka kwenyuka kunye neminye imisebenzi yangaphandle. Uqale ukuthatha uhambo- olufana nokunyuka intaba iintsuku ezisibhozo kwiRange likaMongameli eNew Hampshire- apho wadibana khona nabantu awayenezinto ezininzi nabo, kubandakanya ukuthanda izinto ezinkulu zangaphandle, ngokufanayo.

Emva kwexesha, uthathe umsebenzi ngenjongo yokonwaba esebenza ebusuku ezimbalwa kwivenkile engaphandle kunye nakwivenkile yokunxiba. Ekugqibeleni, akazange nje enze abahlobo abatsha bokuhamba intaba (kwaye wafumana izaphulelo ezinkulu kwizixhobo), kodwa wenza ubuhlobo nomntu owabelana naye ngomdla wokukhempisha ebusika – owathi ekugqibeleni waba ngumyeni wakhe.

Impilo yakho: Iindleko zomphefumlo onesizungu

Bonke abafazi bafuna abahlobo kunye nabathandekayo abaxhomekeke kubo, bazityande, bazive bekhululekile ngokupheleleyo. Ngaphandle kolu nxibelelwano lubalulekileyo kwabanye abantu, ayingomoya wethu kuphela obandezelekayo; impilo yethu yomzimba iyawohloka, nayo.

Uphando lubonakalisile ukuba abantu abangaphantsi kwesine ukuya kwisithandathu sobudlelwane boluntu (kunye nosapho, izihlobo, iqabane, abamelwane, abantu osebenza nabo, njl.

Oku kungenxa yokuba isithukuthezi sinokubangela utshintsho lweekhemikhali emzimbeni wakho, okwenza kube lula ukugula, utsho uJeffrey Geller, MD, umphandi wesithukuthezi kunye nomlawuli weyeza lokudibanisa kwi-Lawrence Family Practice Residency Programme eLawrence, Mass. Umzimba onesizungu uya kukhulula iihomoni zoxinzelelo (ezifana ne-cortisol) ezicinezela amajoni omzimba.

"Ukunqongophala kwenkxaso yentlalo kuphakamisa ukubeka umntu emngciphekweni wokugula kakhulu kumanqanaba manani alingana nokutshaya, ukutyeba kakhulu kunye nokungabikho kokuzilolonga," utshilo uRonald Glaser, Ph.D., unjingalwazi we-molecular virology, immunology kunye nonyango lwemfuza e-Ohio IZiko lezoNyango leYunivesithi yaseRhulumente.

Ukuba unesithukuthezi, nantsi indlela umzimba-kunye nengqondo-yakho enokubandezeleka ngayo:

Uya kuba namandla amancinci okulwa usulelo kunye nezifo ezinjengokubanda, umkhuhlane, izilonda ezibandayo, i-herpes kunye nezinye iintsholongwane.

Uya kuba nokuchaphazeleka okuphezulu kusulelo lwebacteria kwaye mhlawumbi nomhlaza.

Usengozini yokuba noxinzelelo.

Ukulungele ukusebenzisa kakubi utywala kwaye uzibulale.

Uphengululo lwe