Ngaba Ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo benza abantu bonwabe ngakumbi?

Umxholo

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Uninzi lwethu, umnqweno wokutshata unamandla. Inokude ifakwe kwi-DNA yethu. Kodwa ngaba uthando luthetha ukuba ungaze uthandane okanye ulale nabanye abantu?

Kwiminyaka eliqela eyadlulayo, ndaye ndagqiba kwelokuba ndicele umngeni kwimbono yokuba ekuphela kwendlela eya kulwalamano olunothando nokuzinikela kukuba nomfazi omnye. Isithandwa sam emva koko sagqiba kwelokuba sizame ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo. Sazibophelela komnye nomnye, sabhekiswa komnye njengesoka nentombi yethu, kwaye sobabini savunyelwa ukuba sithandane kwaye sibe nolwalamano olusenyameni nabanye abantu. Ekugqibeleni sahlukana (ngenxa yezizathu ezahlukahlukeneyo, uninzi lwazo lwalungahambelani nokuvuleleka kwethu), kodwa ukususela ngoko ndiye ndahlala ndinomdla wokucinga kwakhona ngobudlelwane-kwaye kwavela ukuba andindedwa.

I-Nonmonoga-me-Iintsingiselo zangoku

Uqikelelo lubonisa ukuba zingaphezulu kwesiqingatha sesigidi iintsapho ezivulekileyo ze-polyamorous e-US, kwaye ngo-2010, kuqikelelwa ukuba kwizigidi ezisibhozo izibini bezisebenzisa uhlobo oluthile lokungatshati. Kwanaphakathi kwezibini ezitshatileyo, ulwalamano oluselubala lunokuphumelela; ezinye izifundo zibonisa ukuba zixhaphakile kwimitshato yama-gay.

Kwizinto zanamhlanje ezingama-20 kunye nama-30, ezi ndlela zinentsingiselo. Ngaphezulu kweepesenti ezingama-40 zemillenials zicinga ukuba umtshato "uphelelwa lixesha" (xa kuthelekiswa neepesenti ezingama-43 zeGen Xers, iipesenti ezingama-35 zabantwana abasakhulayo, kunye nepesenti ezingama-32 zabantu abaneminyaka engama-65 nangaphezulu). Kwaye phantse isiqingatha semillenials bathi bajonga utshintsho kulwakhiwo lweentsapho ngokuqinisekileyo, xa kuthelekiswa nekota yabaphenduli abadala. Ngamanye amagama, i-monogamy-nangona ikhethwe ngokugqibeleleyo-ayisebenzi kuye wonke umntu.

Ngokuqinisekileyo bekungasebenzi kum. Yibeke ityala kwisibini esingenampilo kubudlelwane obungenampilo ebutsheni bam: Ngaso nasiphi na isizathu, engqondweni yam "i-monogamy" iye yanxulunyaniswa nokuba nezinto, umona, kunye ne-claustrophobia-hayi eyona nto umntu ayinqwenelayo kuthando olungunaphakade. Ndandifuna ukukhathalela umntu ngaphandle kokuziva ndingowakhe, yaye ndandifuna ukuba umntu azive ngendlela efanayo. Yongeza kuloo nto yokuba bendikhe ndangatshatanga okwethutyana (emva kokuba bendikhe ndathandana nomntu ongatshatanga ixesha elide) kwaye ndingumfazi ngokwaneleyo ukuba ndiyivume-ibingakulungelanga ukuyeka inkululeko yokudlala ngothando nabantu ongabaziyo . Ngaphaya koko, ndandingaqinisekanga ukuba ndifuna ntoni kanye kanye, kodwa ndandisazi ukuba andifuni ukuziva ndifuthaniselwa liqabane. Ke xa ndandiqala ukuthandana ... masimbize 'Bryce,' Ndazilungiselela ukukhathazeka, ndayeka ukungazithembi, ndaza ndayikhupha: Ngaba ukhe wacinga ngokuba nolwalamano oluvulekileyo?

Ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo buhlala buwela kwizigaba ezibini ngokubanzi, utshilo u-Ian Kerner ongumcebisi omkhulu kunye nomcebisi ngesondo: Abantu abatshatileyo banokuthetha-thethana ngamalungiselelo angafaniyo endandinawo noBryce, apho umntu ngamnye anenkululeko yokuthandana kunye / okanye abelane ngesondo nabantu abangaphandle. ubudlelwane. Okanye izibini ziya kukhetha ukujingi, ukuya ngaphandle kobudlelwane babo bomfazi omnye njengeyunithi (ukwabelana ngesondo nabanye abantu kunye, njengakwisithathu okanye ngaphezulu-kwabanye). Kodwa ezi ndidi zinamanzi amahle, kwaye ziyatshintsha ngokuxhomekeke kwiimfuno kunye nemida yesibini.

I-Monogamy = Monotony?-Kutheni izibini zihamba kakubi

Into enobuqhophololo malunga nobudlelwane zonke zahlukile, ke ngoko akukho "sizathu sinye" sokuba kutheni abantu begqiba ekubeni baphonononge iimodeli zobudlelwane ezizezinye. Okwangoku, kukho uluhlu olubanzi lwethiyori malunga nokuba kutheni umfazi ongatshatanga naye engakhange abonakalise ukuba uyanelisa kwindalo iphela. Ezinye iingcali zithi ineengcambu kwimfuza: Malunga neepesenti ezingama-80 zezilwanyana ezinesithembu, kwaye uqikelelo olufanayo lusebenza kuluntu olungabazingeli. (Sekunjalo, akuloncedo ukubanjwa kwingxabano ethi "yindalo", utsho uKerner: Ukwahluka yinto yendalo, ngaphezu kokuba nomfazi omnye okanye ukungafani nomfazi.)

Olunye uphando lucebisa ukuba abantu abohlukeneyo banezidingo ezahlukeneyo zobudlelwane obanelisayo. Kwi Isithuba somntu omnye, U-Eric Anderson ucebisa ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo buvumela amaqabane ukuba ahlangabezane neemfuno zabo ngaphandle kokufuna ngaphezu kweqabane elinye elinokunika. Kukwakho necandelo lenkcubeko: Amanani okunyaniseka ahluka kakhulu phakathi kweenkcubeko, kwaye ubungqina bubonisa ukuba amazwe anesimo sengqondo esivumela ngakumbi ngesondo nawo anemitshato ehlala ixesha elide. Kumazwe aseNordic, izibini ezininzi ezitshatileyo zixubusha ngokukhululekileyo “ngobudlelwane obunxuseneyo”—ukususela kwimicimbi engaqhelekanga ukusa kwixesha leholide—namaqabane azo, ukanti umtshato useyinto ehlonelwayo. Emva koko, umbhali wemihlathi yeengcebiso ngesondo uDan Savage uthi ukungatshati kweqabane elinye kunokusuka nje kube kukukruquka kwakudala.

Ngamafutshane, kukho izizathu ezininzi zokungabinamfazi omnye njengoko kukho abantu abangatshatanga-kwaye kukho ingxaki encinci apho. Nokuba abantu abatshatileyo bayavuma ukungangqinelani, izizathu zabo zisenokungqubana. Kwimeko yam, ndandifuna ukuba kubudlelwane obungenamfazi omnye kuba ndandifuna ukucela umngeni kwiingcamango zentlalo malunga nothando; UBryce wayefuna ukuba kubudlelwane obungathandabuzekiyo ngenxa yokuba ndandifuna ukuba kunye, yaye wayefuna ukuba kunye nam. Mhlawumbi ayothusi loo nto, yabangela ukungavisisani phakathi kwethu xa ndandiqala ukubona abanye abantu. Ngelixa ndandilungile xa uBryce wayesenza nomhlobo wakhe, wayengenakukucinga ukuba nam ndenza okufanayo. Oku ekugqibeleni kwakhokelela kwinzondo kumacala omabini kunye nomona kuye-kwaye ngesiquphe ndazifumana ndibuyele kubudlelwane be-claustrophobic, ndiphikisana ngokuba ngoobani na.

Ngaba Ufanele Uwufake Iringi? Imikhombandlela emitsha

Ayothusi into yokuba i-monster enamehlo aluhlaza ngumceli mngeni oqhelekileyo kumaqabane angabandakanyekanga kwibhodi yonke, ngaphandle kwesini okanye isini. Eyona ndlela yokujongana? Ukunyaniseka. Kwizifundo ezininzi, unxibelelwano oluvulekileyo yeyona nto iphambili ekwenziweni kolwalamano (oku kuyinyani kulo naluphi na ubudlelwane), kunye neyona ndlela ilungileyo yokuhlangabezana nekhwele. Kumaqabane angena eluntwini, kubalulekile ukuba amaqabane anxibelelane ngeemfuno zawo kwaye enze isivumelwano kwangaphambili nakuphi na ukudibanela.

Xa sijonga umva, bekufanele ukuba ndinyaniseke ngakumbi kum, kwaye ndavuma ukuba (kungakhathaliseki ukuba wayethini) uBryce wayengafuni ngokwenene ukuba ngumntu ongenamfazi omnye; Ngeyisindisile sobabini enye yentliziyo ebuhlungu. Kulula ukuba nomtsalane kwicala elingenaqabane lomtshato, kodwa ifuna amanqanaba aphezulu okuthembana, ukunxibelelana, ukuvuleleka, kunye nokusondelelana neqabane lakho eliyintsingiselo-njenge-monogamy, ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo bunokuba noxinzelelo, kwaye ngokuqinisekileyo akunjalo wonke umntu. Ngamanye amagama, i-nonmonogamy ayilotikiti ngaphandle kweengxaki zobudlelwane, kwaye inokuba ingumthombo wazo. Kwakhona kusenokubangel’ imincili, kuvuze, kuze kukhanyisele.

Nokuba zithini na, zitsho iingcali, nokuba isibini sithatha isigqibo sokuvulelana okanye ukutshata nomntu ongatshatanga naye kufanele kube yinto ekhethiweyo. UAnderson ubhala athi: "Xa kungekho mabala okuba neentlobano zesini ngokukhululekileyo," amadoda nabasetyhini baya kuqala ukuthembeka malunga nento abayifunayo ... kunye nendlela abanqwenela ukuyiphumeza ngayo.

Ke mna, kwezi ntsuku ndiyindoda-kinda gal-endiyifunde ngokuvuleka.

Ngaba ukhe wazama ukuba kubudlelwane obuvulekileyo? Ngaba uyakholelwa ukuba ubudlelwane obuzinikeleyo buphakathi kwabantu ababini kwaye akukho mntu wumbi? Yabelana ngamagqabantshintshi angezantsi, okanye kwi-tweet umbhali @LauraNewc.

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