Ukujongana noloyiko lwam Ekugqibeleni kwandinceda ukuba ndoyise ukukhathazeka kwam

Umxholo

• Imbali yam ngeXhala
• Xa Izinto Zaba Zimbi
• Ukuthi Ewe kwizinto ezandoyikisayo
• Uphengululo lwe

Ukuba unengxaki yokuxhalaba, mhlawumbi sele ulazi elo lizwi Ewe ukuzimela ngokukhawuleza akukhethi. Kum, uluvo nje lwe-adventure lwaphuma lwaya ngaphandle kwefestile okwesibini kwavela. Ngethuba lencoko yam yangaphakathi igqityiwe, akukho Ewe. Akukho mazwi. Imvakalelo nje yokuphelisa uloyiko esekwe kwiingcinga.

Ixhala lam liye landitsalela eludakeni amaxesha amaninzi, kodwa ndifumanise ukuba ukuthetha ngayo (okanye kule meko, ukubhala ngayo) kuyanceda mna-kwaye kunokunceda omnye umntu ukuba ayifunde osokolayo.

Nokuba ibiyincoko nosapho lwam, uthotho lomsebenzi wobugcisa obonisa ixhala, okanye uKendall Jenner noKim Kardashian bevula malunga neengxaki zempilo yengqondo, ndiyazi ukuba andindedwa kule nto. "Ngokwenyani uziva ngathi awusoze uphume kuyo," ndikhumbula uKendall esitsho kwisiqendu esinye Ukuhlala kunye neKardashians, kwaye andizange ndimqonde ngakumbi.

Imbali yam ngeXhala

Ngethuba lokuqala ndabona ukuba ndinexhala laliphezulu. Ndidlule kwisigaba apho bendisoyika ukuba ndizokuphosa, bendiza kuvuka ezinzulwini zobusuku ndiqinisekile ukuba ndiza kugula. Ndandibaleka ndisiya kwigumbi labazali bam kwaye bandenzela ibhedi phantsi. Ndiza kukwazi ukulala ndiphinde ndive isandi selizwi likamama kunye nomqolo womqolo.

Ndikhumbula ukuba kufuneka ndicofe isibane ndicime kwaye ndicime epasejini, emva koko kwigumbi lam lokulala, ndisele amanzi athile ngaphambi kokuba ndivumele ingqondo yam indivumele ndilale. Olu tyekelo lwe-OCD yayiyindlela yam yokuthi, "Ukuba ndiyakwenza oku, andizukuphosa." (Inxulumene: Kutheni kufuneka uyeke ukuthi unexhala ukuba awunayo ngokwenene)

Emva koko, kwisikolo samabanga aphakamileyo, ndandineentliziyo ezibi kangangokuba ndandiziva ngathi ndiza kuba nesifo sentliziyo. Isifuba sam sasihlala sibuhlungu, yaye ukuphefumla kwam kwakusiba nzulu ngokusisigxina. Elo yayilixesha lokuqala ndixelela ugqirha wam ngononophelo ngexhala lam. Wandibeka kwi-SSRI (i-serotonin reuptake inhibitor ekhethiweyo), esetyenziselwa ukunyanga uxinzelelo kunye noxinzelelo loxinzelelo.

Ukuya kwam ekholejini, ndaye ndagqiba kwelokuba ndiyeke amayeza. Ndichithe unyaka wam omtsha kuhambo lwenqwelomoya lweeyure ezintathu ukusuka ekhayeni lam eMaine ukuya kwihlabathi lam elitsha eFlorida-ndisenza izinto eziqhelekileyo zasekholejini ezizidenge: ukusela kakhulu, ukutsala ubusuku bonke, ukutya ukutya okoyikekayo. Kodwa bendinokudubuleka.

Ngelixa ndisebenza kwindawo yokutyela ehlotyeni emva konyaka wam omtsha, bendiza kuva le mvakalelo ibuhlungu ezandleni nasezinyaweni zam. Ndaziva ngathi iindonga ziyavalwa kwaye ndizokufa isiqaqa. Ndandiye ndiphelelwe ngumsebenzi, ndizijule ebhedini, kwaye ndilale nje iiyure kude kudlule. Bendingazi ngeloxesha ukuba ezi ziintlaselo. Ndabuyela emayezeni ndabuya kancinci ndabuya esiqwini kwakhona.

Ndandinamayeza ndade ndaneminyaka engama-23, ngelo xesha ndandichitha iintsuku zam zokuhamba emva kwexesha ndonwabile ndicinga ngobomi kunye nesicwangciso sam esilandelayo. Andizange ndizive ndingenaloyiko ngolo hlobo. Ndandisebenzisa amayeza kangangeminyaka, yaye ndandiqinisekile ukuba andisawadingi. Ke ndiyekile ukuzikhupha kuyo njengoko bendikhe ndenza ngaphambili, kwaye khange ndiyicinge kangako.

Xa Izinto Zaba Zimbi

Xa ndikhangela emva, bekufanele ukuba ndibone iimpawu ezilumkisayo ezakhayo kule minyaka mithathu ilandelayo. Kwakungekade izinto zibe mbi ngakumbi apho ndaye ndabona ukuba izinto kufuneka zilunge. Ndandiqale ukuphuhlisa i-phobias. Ndandingasakuthandi ukuqhuba, noko kuhola wendlela, okanye kwiidolophu endingaziqhelanga. Xa ndenjenjalo, ndaziva ngathi ndiza kuphulukana nokulilawula ivili ndize ndingene kwingozi emanyumnyezi.

Olo loyiko lwajika lwaba kukungafuni nokuba ngumkhweli emotweni ngaphezulu kweyure, eyajika yaba luloyiko lokuba kwinqwelomoya. Ekugqibeleni, andizange ndifune ukuhamba naphi na ngaphandle kokuba ndibe ebhedini yam ngobo busuku. Emva koko, xa ndandihamba ngoSuku loNyaka oMtsha 2016, ndaziva ndisoyika ngesiquphe kwaye sikhubazekile. Ukunyukela encotsheni yentaba, ndandisoloko ndicinga ukuba ndiza kukhubeka ndize ndife. Ngaxa lithile, ndiye ndema nje ndahlala phantsi, ndibamba amatye angqonge uzinzo. Abantwana abancinci bebedlula kum, oomama bebendibuza ukuba ndihambe kakuhle na, ebehleka nyani umfana wam kuba ebecinga ukuba kuyadlalwa.

Sekunjalo, andizange ndiqonde ukuba kukho undonakele de kwaba yinyanga elandelayo xa ndavuka ezinzulwini zobusuku, ndingcangcazela yaye ndingakwazi nokuphefumla. Ngentsasa elandelayo, andizange ndive nto. Ndandingakwazi ukungcamla kwanto. Kwaba ngathi ixhala lam alisoze liphele-yayingathi sisigwebo sentambo. Kwaqengqeleka iinyanga ndixhathisa, kodwa emva kweminyaka ndingawasebenzisi amayeza, ndaphinda ndawasebenzisa amayeza.

Ndiyazi ukuba umkhwa wokubuyela umva kunye nokusebenzisa amayeza kunokubonakala ngathi kunempikiswano, ke kubalulekile ukuba uchaze ukuba iziyobisi yayingezizo ezam kuphela ukuzama unyango-ndizamile iioyile ezifanelekileyo, ukucamngca, iyoga, imithambo yokuphefumla kunye neziqinisekiso ezifanelekileyo. Ezinye izinto azincedi, kodwa ezo zenziweyo ziyinxalenye yobomi bam. (Eyeleleneyo: Ngaba uReiki anganceda ngexhala?)

Nje ukuba ndibuyele kunyango, uxinzelelo olukhubazekileyo lwaphela, kwaye iingcinga ezivuselelayo zahamba. Kodwa ndashiywa ndinolu hlobo lwe-PTSD malunga neenyanga zamva nje ebesezempilo yam yengqondo-kunye noloyiko lokuphinda ndiyibone. Ndizibuze ukuba ndingaze ndiyiphuncule le limbo apho bendilinde nje ixhala lam ukuba libuye. Emva koko, ndandinolu hlobo lwe-epiphany: Kuthekani ukuba, endaweni yokubaleka uloyiko lokuba kwimeko embi engqondweni kwakhona, ndamkela ii-phobias ezibangele uhlaselo lwam loloyiko? What if ndithe nje Ewe kuyo yonke into?

Ukuthi Ewe kwizinto ezandoyikisayo

Ke ngasekupheleni kuka-2016, ndenze isigqibo sokuthetha Ewe. ndithe Ewe ukukhwela emotweni (kunye nokuqhuba), ukuhamba ngenqwelomoya, ukuhamba ngenqwelomoya, ukumisa inkampu, kunye nokunye okuninzi okundisusayo ebhedini yam. Kodwa njengokuba nabani na oye wafumana amava aphezulu kunye noxinzelelo esazi, ayisiyonto ilula kangako. (Idibeneyo: Ukutya okucocekileyo kwandinceda njani ukuba ndijamelane nexhala)

Xa ndiqala ukuziva ndikhululekile kunye nam, ndaye ndathatha isigqibo sokuthatha amanyathelo omntwana ukubuyisela izinto endandizithanda ngaphambili ezazingandivumeli ukuba ndonwabe. Ndaqala ngokubhukisha uhambo oluya kunxweme lwaseCalifornia. Isithandwa sam sasiza kuqhuba uninzi lwendlela, kwaye ndingazicelela ukuthatha ivili iiyure ezimbalwa apha naphaya. Ndiyakhumbula ndicinga, Hayi hayi-ndivele nje ndacela ukuqhuba kanye phambi kokuba sidlule edolophini yaseSan Francisco nangaphaya kweGolden Gate Bridge. Ukuphefumla kwam bekuya kuba nzulu kwaye izandla zam zibe ndindisholo ngemizuzu efana nale, kodwa ndaziva ndinamandla ngokwenene xa ndiphumeza oko bendikade ndiziva ndingenakufikelelwa. Oku kuxhotyiswa kwandenza ndafuna ukwenza imisebenzi emikhulu. Ndiyakhumbula ndicinga, Ukuba ndinokuhamba umgama omde ngoku, ndingahamba umgama ongakanani? (Izinto eziNxulumeneyo: Iingcebiso ze-8 zokuXhasa uMlingane ngeNxiwa)

Ukuhlala kude nekhaya kuveze owako umcimbi. Baza kucinga ntoni abahlobo bam xa ndiphakathi ezinzulwini zobusuku ndisoyika? Ingaba sikhona isibhedlele esifanelekileyo kule ndawo? Kwaye ngelixa imibuzo enjalo isacuthile, ndandisele ndibonakalisile ukuba ndingahamba nalawo-ukuba akaphendulwanga. Ke ndenze umtsi omkhulu kwaye ndabhukisha uhambo lokuya eMexico ukuya kudibana nentombazana eyintombazana-yayiyindiza yeeyure ezine kuphela, kwaye bendinokuyiphatha, akunjalo? Kodwa ndiyakhumbula ndikwinqanaba lokhuseleko kwisikhululo seenqwelomoya, ndiziva ndidiniwe, ndicinga, Ngaba ndingayenza nyani le nto? Ngaba ndiza kukhwela inqwelomoya?

Ndaphefumlela phezulu njengoko ndidlula kula mgca wokhuseleko wesikhululo seenqwelomoya. Ukubila kwamasundu, ndisebenzise iziqinisekiso ezilungileyo, ezibandakanya uninzi lwazo ngekhe ubuye umva ngoku, umkile apha iintetho zepep. Ndikhumbula ndidibana nesibini esithandekayo njengoko ndandihleli kwindawo yentselo ngaphambi kokuba ndikhwele inqwelo-moya. Siye sagqiba ukuthetha nokutya kunye nokusela kunye iyure ngaphambi kokuba kufike ixesha lokuba ndikhwele inqwelomoya, kwaye oko kuphazamiseka kwandinceda ukuba nditshintshe ngoxolo ndiye kwinqwelomoya.

Ukufika kwam apho ndadibana nomhlobo wam, ndandizidla kakhulu. Ngelixa ndiya kuvuma ukuba yonke imihla bekufuneka ndenze iintetho ezincinci ngexesha lokuphefumla okungenzulu kunye namaxesha eengcinga ezijikelezayo, ndiye ndakwazi ukuchitha iintsuku ezintandathu kwilizwe lasemzini. Kwaye andizange ndithintele ukuxhalaba kwam kodwa ndandonwabile ixesha lam apho.

Ukubuya kolo hambo kwakuvakala ngathi linyathelo lokwenyani eliya phambili. Ndizenzele ukukhwela iinqwelomoya ndedwa ndaya kwelinye ilizwe. Ewe, ndandinomhlobo wam xa ndifika, kodwa kwakufuneka kube kukulawulwa kwezenzo zam kungekho mntu uxhomekeke kuloo nto yayiyinguqulelo kum. Uhambo lwam olulandelayo lwalungayi kuba luhambo lwenqwelomoya lweeyure ezine nje kuphela, kodwa uhambo lweeyure ezili-15 ngenqwelomoya ukuya eItali. Ndaqhubeka ndikhangela loo mvakalelo yothusayo, kodwa yayingekho. Bendihambile ekutshontshiseni ubhontsi wam emanzini, ndiphakama ukuya emadolweni, kwaye ngoku ndandilungelelaniswe ngokwaneleyo ukuba nditshone emanzini. (Izinto eziNxulumeneyo: Indlela Ukubuyela Ukomelela Kundincede Ngayo Ukuphuma Kwimpilo Yam Rut)

EItali, ndazibona sele nditsibela amawa ngochulumanco kulwandle lweMeditera. Kwaye emntwini ohambe ixesha lokoyika iindawo eziphakamileyo, oku kwavakala ngathi lelona thuba libalulekileyo. Ekugqibeleni, ndafumanisa ukuba uhambo lundenza ndikwazi ngcono ukwamkela okungaziwayo (oko kukuthi ngokwenene kunzima kubantu abanexhala).

Iya kuba bubuxoki ukuthi amakhamandela oxinzelelo akhululwe ngokupheleleyo kum, kodwa emva kowona nyaka mbi ebomini bam, ndichithe u-2017 ndiziva ndikhululekile. Ndaziva ngathi ndiyakwazi ukuphefumla, ukubona, ukwenza, kwaye ndiphila nje ngaphandle koloyiko lokuba kuya kwenzeka ntoni.

Ixhala lam lenze ukuba ndibanjiswe kwiindawo ezincinci ezinjengemoto okanye inqwelo moya eyoyikisayo. Kwenza ukuba koyike ukuba kude nekhaya, apho ungenagqirha kufutshane okanye umnyango wegumbi lokulala onokutshixa kulo. Kodwa eyona nto yoyikisayo kukuziva ngathi awunandlela yakulawula impilo-ntle yakho.

Ngelixa isenokuvakala ngathi ndiyajuba kanye, yayikutsiba olucothayo noluqhubekayo-ukuqhuba okufutshane, uhambo olufutshane lwenqwelomoya, indawo ekude kunokuba bendilindele ukuya. Kwaye ngalo lonke ixesha ndizifumana ndiziva ngathi ndingumntu endandisazi ukuba ndisezantsi: ndinengqondo evulekileyo, ndinemincili kwaye ndinomdla.

Uphengululo lwe